Part 5: Overheard in Gold Coast court – the best one-liners from Southport judges, magistrates and lawyers

Court may not usually be the best place for comedy but sometimes those on the Gold Coast just had to find the lighter side. Enjoy the laugh

THE jokers at the courthouse are at it again, trying to bring a bit of light among the horrible cases that come through the Southport Courthouse.

Here are some of the lighter moments overheard by the Bulletin in recent months.

* Barrister (following a videolink with the prison): Your Honour, I can’t help but notice the last matter you were dealing with featured a gentleman in a green T-shirt and a yellow and blue background. I can’t help but ask, how is President Zelensky?

* Lawyer 1: (Lawyer 2) was nice enough to offer his lap for me to sit on, Your Honour. Lawyer 2: We have been friends for a long time.

* (Defendant requests a comfort break)

Barrister: At my age, it’s usually me making that request.

* Siri: I’m sorry, I did not understand that.

Defence lawyer: I’m sorry, Your Honour.

Magistrate: That’s OK … it happened to me earlier.

* Prosecutor calls a lawyer.

Defence: Uh-oh. I’ve been summoned..

Prosecutor: Yeah, with all the authority of a wet lettuce.

Summoned with the “authority of a wet lettuce”.

* Prosecutor: There is no seniority in adjournments.

Defence lawyer: Except for me.

(A couple of minutes later:) If I’m not senior in practising I’m senior in age.

* (Lawyers trying to work out who has seniority)

Magistrate: Age before beauty.

Lawyer: Unfortunately, I lose out on both of those.

* Magistrate: I’m a bit worried you are sniffling. I’m glad I am up here.

* Magistrate (to defence lawyer): With respect, I think your client should be more afraid of me than her.

BEST COURT ONELINERS

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

Part 4

* Magistrate: You have pleaded guilty to stealing as a servant … or an employee to be more modern …

* Lawyer (during discussion about the aggravation to a charge of being a member of a serious organised crime gang): It doesn’t matter if you are a member of the Mongols or the Wiggles …

* Prosecutor: (after discussion of sending some matters to another courtroom) Regretfully I have all the matters in here … I’ll split myself in two for the court’s convenience.

* Magistrate (transferring a matter to another jurisdiction): Give that magistrate up there some work to do.

* Defence: That application is not opposed.

Magistrate: If it’s not opposed there is not much point in having an argument.

* In a matter with multiple defendants and barristers.

Magistrate: Who would like to go first?

Barrister: Apparently I have been voted.

* (Talking about Ferry Road Marketplace)

Magistrate: I don’t know where that is.

Defence: Well, you are lucky because it’s very expensive. Can you take my wife to wherever you shop …

Defence lawyer to magistrate: Can you take my wife to wherever you shop …

* Barrister: (while trying to play audio) I’m sorry, I’m not sure that is coming through the court speakers, just the laptop.

Magistrate: I can hear it clearly. Does it matter beyond me?

Barrister: No, not really.

* Discussion about why a defendant’s address was redacted in a court document.

Defence lawyer: (Defendant) would have been taken by surprise if he learnt his own address.

* Defence: I think I drafted that with the DPP.

Magistrate: I haven’t seen it before.

Defence: Sometimes I act like a lawyer.

* Defendant (to magistrate): Before you start, I have to say you are beautiful. (Defendant did not get bail)

* Magistrate asks for prosecutor’s name stamp.

Prosecutor (to defence lawyer): See, I have a stamp.

Defence lawyer: Whatever makes you feel important.

* A lawyer said he would put himself on mute but failed and the entire court heard him talking to his assistant.

Magistrate then talks to him and gets no response.

“Maybe I’m on mute.”

* Magistrate: This is really dragging on. Can you please summarise what you would like me to note?

* Magistrate: Senior Constable, I see you have drawn the short straw.

Police prosecutor: Yes, I was the only one who turned up to work.

* Barrister: I think I will be about an hour with the witness. My estimates are appalling though … I might be three days.

* Witness: Around my wedding.

Barrister: Can you give us that date?

Witness: I don’t know … I can’t really say.

Barrister: Wow … I would be in so much trouble.

A witness was unable to remember the date of his wedding.

* Witness: I won’t remember you.

Barrister: I promise I will remember you.

* Magistrate: (on January 25) We will resume after we have celebrated the arrival of some ships full of convicts.

* Magistrate (after being told a witness is about a minute away): I’ll just stand down to avoid awkward silences.

* Witness (after being shown where to sit): Ooo, I’m in the big chair.

* Barrister: Regrettably you don’t get to ask me questions.

Witness: Unlucky.

* Barrister: When you say older man … do you mean about my age or even older?

Witness: Probably a little bit younger.

* Lawyer: I’ve got a video link which is no longer needed.

Magistrate: Those are words I like to hear.

* Magistrate: (Defence lawyer) was just looking after his own interests. He didn’t want me cranky for his matter.

* Defence lawyer: I’m sorry about the delay, Your Honour, I was outside being screamed at by my wife …

* Defendant: Thanks, mate.

Magistrate: I’m not your mate.

* Defence lawyer: He carried on like a pork chop, he accepts that.

* Prosecutor (after being asked by a defendant how long until his matter): If I had a crystal ball and could tell you these things I would be very, very rich.

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Originally published as Part 5: Overheard in Gold Coast court – the best one-liners from Southport judges, magistrates and lawyers