Gold Coast court: The best comments from lawyers, judges and magistrates in the past few months

The jokesters at the courthouse are at it again, trying to bring a bit of light among the horrible cases that come through the Southport Courthouse. Here are some of the lighter moments overheard by the Bulletin in recent months.

THE jokesters at the courthouse are at it again, trying to bring a bit of light among the horrible cases that come through the Southport Courthouse.

Here are some of the lighter moments overheard by the Bulletin in recent months.

* Prosecutor: (coughs) That’s not Covid, that’s Benson & Hedges.

* Defence lawyer (misspeaking when referring to the Crown prosecutor): While the clown is at the bar …

* Defence barrister: The prosecution’s really stolen my thunder …

* Judge (after a loud knock came from the door leading to the holding cells): I’m not sure I want to open that door.

* Magistrate (during technical difficulties): The US Library of Congress is putting all its important audio recordings on to vinyl because it’s more reliable than CDs.

* Prosecutor to lawyer: You’re the oldest so I assumed you had seniority.

* Lawyer to another lawyer: This must be serious … you are reading cases and you have the (criminal) code.

Lawyers, judges and magistrates often try and find the lighter moments while at court. Picture: Scott Fletcher

* Magistrate: Sorry about the delay … we can’t help the M1.

* Prosecutor: Will Your Honour take the very long matter starting with “T”?

Judge: Yes, I was hoping you would say it so I didn’t have to.

* Defence lawyer: How did he get to Thailand? I can’t even get to Lismore.

* Solicitor to judge during welcome ceremony: On a personal note, I saw your shoes as you walked in and they were amazing.

* Judge (reading summary of a case): There was some “argy bargy” … as the Court of Appeal used that technical term …

* Magistrate (just prior to a scheduled videolink): Is there anything we can do in seven minutes?

Solicitor: I’ve got a sentence. We can give it a crack.

* Magistrate: I need to speak up. I was told that when I used to stand over there. (points to bar table)

* Magistrate (imposing drug-testing conditions on probation but not prohibiting drug use): I’m not saying this is if you slip up and have a bit of a puff when life gets too tough … not that I’m encouraging that.

* Judge: What is your client’s problem apart from acting like an idiot?

* Judge (after defendants are late): You would think it’s an invitation to a dinner party not a court appearance.

* Magistrate: I used to be a criminal lawyer and I’ve been to the watchhouse a number of times … it’s not a very nice place.

* Magistrate: That comes to $875.

Sometimes things can get a little lighter at court.

Barrister: I’m not going to challenge your maths.

* Barrister: There is going to be about an hour to an hour and 15 reading.

Magistrate: I read quicker than that.

* Magistrate: I didn’t recognise you behind the mask.

Defence lawyer: Thank you.

* Defence lawyer to watchhouse staff after talking to client: That’s where you fellas like me. Sitting in a bloody cell out the back.

* Prosecutor: He was born in 1980, which makes him … I just realised I haven’t done the maths …

* Judge: Don’t put any disguised people in the boot of your car.

* Prosecutor: Do you have the file yet?

Magistrate: I don’t but we will go and get it. When I say we, I mean my clerk.

* Prosecutor: So the defendant alleged he was in possession of a thong?

Police officer: That’s correct.

* Magistrate: Do you not have a stapler?

Defence lawyer: No, I thought the prosecutor might have one and I would be saved.

* Magistrate: Witness time estimates, a bit like lawyer time estimates, are notoriously unreliable.

* Magistrate: You say he is not at risk committing further offences, let’s go through the list here …

* Lawyer: One might think drugs must be very, very good because she is giving up her children …

* Defence lawyer: Don’t hold it against him but he came here from Tasmania …

* Defence lawyer: I’ll just make way for my more handsome friend …

Follow @leae