Gold Coast court: Jokesters bringing the lighter side to the Southport Courthouse

The jokesters at the courthouse are at it again, trying to bring a bit of light among the horrible cases that come through the Southport Courthouse. READ some of the lighter moments overheard at court>>>>

THE jokesters at the courthouse are at it again, trying to bring a bit of light among the horrible cases that come through the Southport Courthouse.

Here are some of the lighter moments overheard by the Bulletin in recent months.

* Lawyer: I sat down next to my client and she was looking at pictures of dicks.

* Barrister: I’ve only got an electronic version so we are trusting my computer skills, Your Honour.

Judge: You are braver than I am.

* Defence lawyer: My client is too pretty to fix cars … only gardens.

* Magistrate trying to decipher a barrister’s handwriting: I just want to know in case I’m asked.

* Magistrate: How do you know about the technical issues?

Defence lawyer 1: Just from previous experience.

Defence lawyer 2: It’s Southport. When has it ever worked in Southport?

Southport Court jokesters have been at it again with some great one-liners.

* Defence lawyer (at the start of lockdown week): Thanks for accommodating this matter today.

Judge: As it turns out it is easy to accommodate things this week.

* Magistrate: I’m an old dog. Get to the point.

* Judge (to defendant): You need to find other friends.

* Magistrate: Well, I’m here to make your life easier.

Defence lawyer: Someone’s got to.

* Magistrate: You can’t read the writing. You have to put on some binoculars and some magnifying glasses and look at the scribble and try and work it out.

* Defence lawyer: I thought Your Honour would be in the magistrates conference.

Magistrate: Look at you concerned about my diary.

* Barrister to witness: You can do the maths.

Magistrate: I probably can’t.

* Magistrate to defendant in custody on videolink: You’re free to go … well, not go but you can tell them you are done.

Defendant: Sweet.

* Magistrate to solicitor who has just had their name added to the firm: Congratulations! … what did you do that for?

* Prosecutor: I’ve just gotten a message from (barrister) that he is actually on the line and listening to (hold) music.

Judge: Sounds like he might be having a better morning than me.

* Barrister: It’s just bizarre …. I guess we are on the Gold Coast.

* Magistrate: There is no doubt that for people their home is their castle …

* Witness: I think so.

Barrister: That doesn’t sound very convincing.

Barristers, solicitors, magistrates and judges can often see the lighter side of the cases they deal with everyday.

* Defendant: Does that mean I get to go home today, miss?

Magistrate: Yes.

Defendant: Thank you so much, luv.

* Judge: Don’t drip feed me. Give me all the information. Let’s go.

* Barrister (to a jury): The thing with lawyers is they tend to drum the common sense out of you at law school.

* Magistrate: There are plenty of buses on the Gold Coast. You’ll just have to make do.

* The Bulletin: How long do you think your matter will take?

Lawyer: Too long.

* After discussion about whether a police officer on hotel quarantine duties can give evidence via telephone. Barrister: I’ve got no problem. I don’t want him near me.

* Man walking out of Southport court (next to the cop shop): Man, there are police everywhere.

* Man in public gallery: She is the prettiest police prosecutor I’ve ever had.

* Prosecutor about defence lawyer: There is an elderly gentleman in the back of court who wants to get away.

* Prosecutor (about defendant who has been deported): My instructions are to ask for a warrant in case he is allowed back in via Dutton Airways.

* Magistrate to prosecutor: Before you get too excited … if you were going to get excited.

* Lawyer to client wearing shorts and a T-shirt as they walk into court: “You could have gotten dressed.”

* Defendant: Your Honour, I smoke pot for a reason.

One defendant tried to claim there was a reason he used cannabis. Picture: QPS

* Lawyer waiting for a client as another lawyer walks in: Can you just pretend to be my client?

* Defendant (who had previously mentioned getting “girls in” to live with him upon release from custody): You look like my mum.

Magistrate: I’m not your mum … and I’m not looking for accommodation.

* Judge (imposing a condition that defendant can’t leave the state without permission while on probation): That means you can’t cross the border to Kingscliff to go for a surf.

* Witness: If you are married, wouldn’t you do the same?

Prosecutor: Regrettably, I am not married.

* Barrister, using a hard to pronounce medical term: Have I said that right?

Doctor: That was very good.

* Phone witness (after phone keeps dropping out): Maybe it’s something to do with the recent rain we had.

Prosecutor: Maybe … nevertheless you are racking up the court phone bill.

Follow @leae