The Walking Dead: Ezekiel’s Knights need to sharpen up

Why has nobody got themselves kitted out in proper zombie-fighting gear since Glenn (no, poor Glenn!) got out of the prison in Season Four?

SO we’ve finally got a good look at King Ezekiel’s Knights of The Kingdom and, frankly, I’m disappointed.

I really thought that — finally — we had some people who knew how to fight zombies.

But no. They’re just a bunch of ordinary joes in football padding carrying spears.

That’s not armour, it’s football padding. A Knight greets Morgan dressed in nothing that will stop a hungry zombie.

Why on earth don’t they really armour up and take the fight to the undead?

The Governor’s mate Milton had the right idea, when he came up with bite-proof sleeves. But nobody else, not even Eugene, has tried anything remotely like that.

Well, Glenn (poor Glenn, we miss you so) showed how good body armour was back at the prison, when he used it to break through a crowd of Walkers without so much as a nibble. But nobody since has had a crack at it.

Now that’s what we’re talking about ... Maggie Greene confronts an armoured zombie. That’s what Glenn wore to escape the prison.

How many people have we seen bitten on the forearm or calf? (Hello Patricia, Zach, Tyreese and Hershel). Those are soft, fleshy targets that zombies find irresistible. But they are also easily protected.

People, you need to go full knight. Well, not full armour, because that’s too hot and heavy, although medieval knights were able to get on horseback and even dance in plate armour.

Personally I would go chainmail, because zombie teeth aren’t getting through that, coupled with a full-face helmet. Instantly you are invulnerable and able to go into the biggest Walker Herd and kill with impunity.

There’s no way a zombie is biting through this gear.

No more nibbles on the back of the neck from hidden Walkers, either. Their teeth won’t get anywhere near you.

But go further. Shields and armour, couple with spears and short swords or long knives conquered the known world in Roman times. Zombies would be helpless against them.

It’s crazy nobody has tried that. Hell, even Brad Pitt protected himself using duct tape and magazines in the first 15 minutes of World War Z.

And I’d back Rick Grimes against his wussy character any day!

Wouldn’t you love to see Daryl’s bike done up like this?

And don’t get me started on the weapons choices in The Walking Dead.

if the zombie apocalypse hit here, the worst thing to do would be to follow their lead.

Conventional wisdom says grab yourself a gun but that might not be the smartest move. For a start, there aren’t many guns in Australia and, more than likely, you’ve never used one before. Yes, shooting a human pretty much anywhere will put a hole in their day but you have to hit a zombie in the head. Unless you are disturbingly close to one, that’s not easy.

Sure, our heroes make it look simple but, unless you have a sniper scope like Sasha, you’re likely to miss.

Remember all the way back to season two, when the farm got invaded by a Herd and our heroes raced around in cars, firing rifles and shotguns at them? Do you really think you can hit a zombie in the head from 50 metres away in a moving vehicle, without any help from scriptwriters or special effects? If so, then make sure you do it away from me!

Then there is the whole issue of finding ammunition – and the fact that gunfire attracts zombies.

OK, you need a gun because there will be men like The Governor and Negan out there. But save your bullets for them. When it comes to the zombies, you need something different.

At this point, people usually point to Michonne and her ability to dismember Walkers with a few swings of the katana. If you believe it’s that easy, then you probably think Beth was able to stomp a zombie skull in with her plimsoll-clad tiny foot.

Cutting through even a rotten neck isn’t as easy as the script writers make it seem and you really don’t want to have your blade catch on a spinal column at the wrong moment.

Knives are useful but a skull is harder to puncture than the show makes it seem.

The perfect zombie-killing implement.

No, what I would choose is a half-size polearm. These were used by knights in full armour in England’s War of the Roses and are perfect for zombie killing. You have a spike on one end like a spear, an axe on one side and a hammer on the other. With just a 1.5-metre shaft, you can handle them if they get too close, as well.

Merle Dixon rocked the arm sword.

Or try the Ninja forearm sword. Basically it’s what Merle Dixon had on his arm, only you don’t have to cut your hand off, this straps onto your forearm. Use it like a spear or a sword.

Try a forearm sword or two the next time zombies invade your street.

Meanwhile, we want to see Ezekiel’s knights get fair dinkum about zombie killing. Come on, we need something to take our minds off Glenn and Abraham ...