The Walking Dead Episode 5: Great hair, but the plot needs a wash

Episode 5 takes us back to The Hilltop, where Maggie must rise to be ruler to depose that idiot Gregory and Jesus has to give up half his haircare products to the Saviors. No wonder he’s angry...

EVENTS in The Walking Dead are moving about as fast as a Walker with a broken leg in quicksand.

Episode 5 has come and gone and we checked into The Hilltop to see their incompetence makes Alexandria under Deanna look like a well-disciplined army camp.

The good news is, Maggie and the baby are healthy and Sasha is not losing her mind after losing Abraham.

The good news kind of ends there.

The Hilltoppers (not sure if that’s a word but what the heck, let’s go with it) are run by Gregory, who is the sort of politician that gives politicians a bad name. Spencer, who’s a prize weasel, can only dream of being this revolting. We’ve seen slimier things at the bottom of a Walker-filled well.

And they are so incompetent, they don’t even post a watch at night, allowing the Saviors under Simon to break open their gate, set up a bunch of bonfires and use a car radio to summon a pack of Walkers inside.

Yes, it gave us the episode’s best scenes, as Sasha and Jesus smashed the Walkers while Maggie used a tractor to crush the singing car.

Enid and carl are getting together — but is it too late?

But, seriously? How did these idiots survive so long like this? What happened to all their nice spears?

Gregory accused Jesus of not sticking around but I don’t blame him. I would have dumped these morons long ago.

The annoying thing is, a little tweaking with the script and they could have been more believable.

Gregory has a right to be afraid — he and Maggie did the deal that saw our heroes wipe out a Savior outpost. Two of our heroes died as a result and so Gregory has a right to be worried about reprisals. After all, the deal was inspired when the last group of Saviors he was dealing with demanded his head. And, like Rick, he should be worried about Saviors killing more of his people. Jesus is not looking at the bigger picture, just thinking they have to help a pregnant Maggie. But making Gregory so unpleasant spoils all that tension.

And what’s with not knowing anyone’s names? is that his “thing”, how he shows dominance?

It is obvious Maggie will become their new leader. But the Hilltoppers must be so desperate for someone who can at least remember their names that they’ll embrace her. Yet surely the more powerful storyline would be her rising to the leadership by choice, in memory of Glenn and because she no longer agrees with Rick’s rule. As it is, the Hilltoppers are being set up as cannon fodder in the war against the Saviors to come, rather than an alternative society.

Anyway, we also saw more of Simon, who is Negan’s deputy and does a nice line in veiled menace. Still, it does make you wonder why Negan would choose basically a Mini-Me as his deputy. Surely he would prefer a thug, so as not to detract from his own posturing.

So the Hilltop has a new deal with the Saviors, where they lose half of their stuff (again). By the law of diminishing returns, because they have had half their stuff taken so many times, the Saviors wouldn’t need a truck because all the Hilltop has left is two zucchinis and a bewildered chicken.

Gregory, after a pathetic attempt to betray Sasha and Maggie, has lost much of his power and has to let them stay. As he will betray them again at the first opportunity, he’ll have to be turned into worm food in the next couple of episodes.

Meanwhile, Sasha gets to keep Abraham’s necklace — you know, the one Rosita made him to pledge her eternal love.

Awkward!

Should be a fun reunion if she shows up at Alexandria wearing that ...

The other half of the episode sees Carl getting ready to take on Negan and getting closer to Enid.

If anything, this was even sillier than the Hilltop stuff.

We first see Carl playing darts and unable to hit the board, due to only having one eye. Yet he is utterly confident of shooting Negan dead, despite having no guns and no ability. Makes perfect sense!

How can Carl kill Negan when he can’t hit a dartboard?

I would have absolutely bought a furious Carl stowing away in Negan’s trucks after the Saviors visited Alexandria. He threatened them in the medicine store, saw his father humiliated and saw them leering all over Enid. As a moody teenager, it would be natural to go on a one-Carl mission to kill.

But to set off in cold blood, without any hope or weapons, feels like a plot device.

Anyway, along the way he saves Enid from a Walker. Ho hum. I can imagine how this scene was written.

(Right, we need a scene to show Carl is protective of her.

But sir, she spent months wandering around alone and has fought them off before. Is one Walker really a threat?

Don’t worry, the audience will believe it. Just cue spooky music and have her look scared.

But she’s riding a bike and there’s no way a Walker can catch her …

Sssh! You’re spoiling the suspense!)

After that unconvincing rescue, they find rollerskates and, instead of falling over a lot before hurling them into the bushes and walking, they skate along to music and hold hands.

Finally, Carl refuses to be talked out of his stupid mission — sorry, suicide mission — and so gets a kiss from Enid as a reward. This quite a sweet relationship but why does Carl go off to die when he has so much teenage love to live for? I know teenagers can be stupid but this is ridiculous.

It was quite a kissing episode. I mean, when Michonne and Rick kissed at the start of the episode, you saw feeling. That was a kiss that could have brought a Walker back from the dead. So much for all those Richonne haters!

So, Carl stows away on an unguarded truck without a back door, which is about as sensible as the Hilltoppers not setting any sentries at night. And he is joined by Jesus, who is trying to find out Negan’s real base. Now that is a key point but we had to wait until the end to discover it.

And what will they do on the trip? Swap haircare tips?

What is going on with Carl and Jesus and their abundant hair? In a world where anything is at a premium and even toothpaste can’t be found, these two have been shampooed and conditioned to perfection. No woman in the show has flowing locks like them!

As my colleague Angela Connell suggested, maybe the Saviors have taken half of Jesus’s hair products and he’s really in the truck to get them back!

Still, to summarise, Gregory is a weasel, Maggie safe and gently taking over Hilltop, Carl on bizarre revenge mission, Jesus on scouting mission.

And the audience is left hoping that something more interesting happens in the next three episodes. Surely we have to get things moving a bit faster. At this rate, All Out War won’t happen until season eight.

Now stringing out a storyline is fair enough but they risk losing viewers if they do it too much. We want some righteous smackdown of Negan to happen and we want it to begin soon!