The 25-year-old in an open relationship with her long-term partner

A 20-something woman has described what it’s like to be in an open relationship while remaining with a long-term partner.

Jaya is 25, and after going through a period of self-discovery, asked her long-term partner for an open relationship so she could take on a lover.

Ever wondered what kind of sex other women are really having?

In her book Women On Top of the World, Lucy-Anne Holmes has collated the true and often astonishingly candid accounts of lust, desire, heartbreak and romantic hope from women, from all around the globe. Here are there stories, in their own words.

Jaya, 25, Ecuador/Austria:

I had two different perspectives on sexuality when I was growing up. In Ecuador, my parents’ lifestyle was very open. My father was an Osho commune, free-love Mexican and my mum an artist. They were often naked around the house and very comfortable with their bodies. In hindsight, I am super grateful for that, although I walked into them having sex far too often for my taste!

Over the past few years, Jaya says she has felt like an onion who has been peeling off layers around sexuality. Image: iStock

Then there was this big fissure when I was 13 because my parents separated. I moved to Austria and started attending a Catholic school. I had been used to a very tactile culture in South America: you would cuddle friends and say, ‘I love you’ to them. But in Austria you didn’t touch.

There was this huge separation between girls and boys in my class; if we accidentally touched someone of the opposite sex then we said we had to get a vaccination afterwards.

In sex-ed classes, the girls got taught that if they were in a situation where their boundaries were crossed and they didn’t want to do something sexual, they should not shout for ‘help’, shouting ‘fire’ would be a better option to get attention and get out of that situation.

Over the past few years, I feel like an onion who has been peeling off all these layers around sexuality, about what is right and what is wrong and what is real.

I have a very deep and secure relationship with my partner. After two and half years together, I felt the pull of an open relationship. I had been to an event which is strongly inspired by the Burning Man principles and learned about queerness, non-monogamy and consensual sexual self-expression. I was like, wow, this offers me the possibility of putting together something that suits me.

After two and a half years with her partner, Jaya felt the pull of an open relationship. Picture: iStock

I don’t have to fulfil any standards, wishes or roles that I thought were expected of me. I was so touched by this revelation, but also scared. I realised that my sexuality was for me to work out. ‘What do I want?’ is one of the most frightening and freeing questions.

One of the things I figured out was that I was attracted to other men and women, and that I wanted to have sexual relationships with them, in a light, playful way, and I didn’t want to lie and be with them behind my partner’s back. I pushed hard for a second relationship that would run alongside my current one. I thought, ‘This is what I want and I am going to go for it’.

I have a new lover and I’m in the very slow process of allowing something to develop with him. It’s like a beautiful dance, because he comes from a Catholic background and is super shy around sexuality. For me it’s never just about the sex, it’s much more about the connection.

It was my birthday a few weeks ago. He stayed until the end of my party, until it was just the two of us. We were talking, I asked him to come closer, and it was like we melted into each other. I was burning, ready. He took off my clothes and gave me oral sex, giving space for me to go into my pleasure. I love to visit that image of him going down on me, and me riding that wave and not caring how I looked or how I was.

Jaya has a new lover. Picture: iStock

Then I gave him pleasure with my hands, and he came. We showered and it was the most beautiful shower of two bodies merging into each other. At the beginning of a relationship the union is so powerful and so beautiful. It takes trust to do that.

He left and I had the morning to myself. Then my partner came home, and we jumped on each other and had the most wonderful quickie. The contrast of the super tender, sweet soft slow connection I’d had the night before with this rough, fast, strong, penetrative sex – we call it a ‘rammeln’ in German, like rabbits do it – was amazing.

I trust him so I know I can stop at any time if it is too much and he won’t be disappointed or angry. We have stopped mid-sex before if one of us is uncomfortable and it’s so beautiful to know that it won’t be hurtful or dramatic if one does so. This was an explosion of orgasms, ripping clothes off onto the floor.

Having two partners enjoy me within 24 hours was so beautiful; it’s a memory I like to go back to when I masturbate.

So, that’s the realm of my sexuality at the moment and I am here just trying to hold my base, in this huge realm of possibilities, of what I want and what I don’t want. It’s been a crazy journey but right now I am really loving it.

This is an edited extract from Women On Top of the World, Edited by Lucy-Anne Holmes (Hachette, $39.99).

This story originally appeared in Body + Soul and has been reproduced with permission.

Originally published as The 25-year-old in an open relationship with her long-term partner