How an open relationship could save your marriage

After lockdown, one woman wanted to explore something sexual that had been on her mind for a while … she just had to ask her husband first.

One thing I’ve learnt from hosting a podcast that allows people to air their deepest and darkest dating secrets is that you’re all a naughty bunch!

From elicit affairs, to Tinder tragedies, I’ve learnt that everyone has their own unique take on dating and it’s certainly never dull. In fact, I would go as far as saying our real love lives make those dramatic afternoon soap TV shows look ‘cute.’

So when I threw up a request on my Instagram last week looking for people who have been in an open relationship before, I crossed my fingers and hoped for just one person to slide into my DMs with a juicy story.

Umm… imagine my surprise when I was overwhelmed with responses!

Jana Hocking hosts the Kinda Sorta Dating podcast. Picture: Instagram.

Yep, once again I was reminded that people’s secret love lives are far more intriguing than we would be led to believe.

As I shamelessly stalked these people’s Insta profiles, I was surprised to find that those engaging in open relationships weren’t just hippies from Byron, they were doctors, and beauticians, and yes even school teachers.

So rather then just chat to one of them, I decided to open up the phone lines and speak to multiple people about their experiences because as I quickly discovered, when it comes to open relationships, it’s not a one-size-fits-all scenario.

One lady is bisexual and her husband allows her to have sexual encounters with other women, another man accidentally found himself in an open relationship and discovered quickly that the green-eyed monster really plays a part in this scenario.

Another woman is in a relationship with both a man and a woman … and well … it was possibly the most woke conversation I’ve ever had in my life.

All in all, it was fascinating!

The one thing that stood out from all three very different situations, was that the most important thing to incorporate into an open relationship is clear communication and firm boundaries.

Being open in a relationship means setting boundaries.

For example, the lady whose husband allows her to have encounters with other women, has asked that she keep it purely sexual. No romantic dates, no deeper connections, simply one night stands. She agreed, and she’s never been happier.

So how did they come to this agreement? Well she explained that she had reached the seven-year-itch mark in her relationship and their love life was seriously lacking.

She longed for her former self. You see, since her teenage years she knew she had a strong sexual attraction to women. She missed their touch and the excitement that came with a good ol’ fashion hook up.

So after a looooong lockdown she decided to broach the subject with her partner. She admitted it was very difficult to find the courage and wasn’t the smoothest conversation, but she’s so glad she did!

Not only did he agree that she should explore these feelings more, but he actually got excited when she came home and shared her stories!

Marriage. Saved.

The other thing I discovered is that some of these open relationships could be deemed far less toxic than some of the relationships I find my monogamous friends in. There’s no sneaking around, no gas lighting, just open frankness, and surprisingly it brought back a spark to their marriages and really fired up their loins.

Is it crazy to think that an open marriage could actually lower divorce rates?!

Let’s look at the benefits for a second …

1. Emotional freedom

The pressure for just one person to meet all your emotional needs can be overwhelming, if not impossible. This allows you the freedom to get it from multiple sources.

2. Sexual compatibility

Sure you may love your partner, but do you like the same things in the bedroom? An open marriage may allow you to find that fire you’ve been missing.

3. A deeper bond with your partner

Imagine being able to share your new experiences with your partner. Sounds a bit more exciting then the usual ‘did you pick the kids up from sport’ convos.

Wouldn’t it be nice to get rid of those societal pressures, rid ourselves of judgment and maybe let loose and have some fun… something to consider.

Jana Hocking is a podcaster and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking

Originally published as How an open relationship could save your marriage