Excitement! Resent! A letter’s exclamation marks reveal their own story

My ex and I have not yet separated financially (nearly!). I’ve a lovely trip to France booked and he’s paying half! Meanwhile, he’s booked to go on a cruise with my replacement and has paid for her fare with our money. Am I entitled to a refund?
J.S., Alphington, Vic

Credit: Drew Aitken

I’m no expert on the financial side of divorce law, but I am an expert on the placement of exclamation marks at the end of sentences! (See that? Not just anyone could place an exclamation mark so perfectly. It’s all about timing, rhythm, commitment!)

The placement of exclamation marks in your question is very revealing. Your first exclamation mark comes after “nearly” which suggests you’re very excited about being financially separated from your jerk of an ex (the exclamation mark actually indicates a much harsher term, but “jerk” will do). However, your second exclamation mark comes after “he’s paying half”, which suggests that you’re very excited about not being financially separated from your ex just yet because it’s helping pay for a lovely trip to France (yes, the exclamation mark told me all that).

The two exclamation marks are clashing, telling a bigger story: that you resent your ex for finding himself a “replacement” and you don’t want to support her in any way because you dislike her intensely (the two exclamation marks actually say nothing like this, I’m freestyling now). My thinking is, as long as the total cost of both holidays is roughly the same, then sorry, no refund. But if his cruise costs more, either he should cover the difference, or you should find your own “replacement” to even up the bill: ideally, a hot-bodded, French gigolo named Alphonse! (a poorly placed exclamation mark, but I threw it in as a teachable moment. Not just a Guru, an educator, too).

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