‘Men’s drinking is more forgivable’: Why it’s harder for women to give up alcohol

Alcohol doesn’t care about gender equality. Compared to men, women get drunker faster, maintain blood alcohol levels for longer and develop alcohol-related liver disease at lower levels of drinking.

Size and body composition are to blame, as women are generally smaller than the men they drink with, and having less muscle and more fat means female bodies have less water to dilute alcohol.

With that in mind, you’d think women would be the first to get help to control problem drinking. However, this isn’t always the case.

According to experts, someone wanting to get help is a good sign.Credit: iStock

“Women get help at lower rates than men, and shame is often the reason,” says Melise Ammit, a sober coach and nurse specialist working in the area of women and alcohol.

“Men’s drinking is more forgivable – you don’t see many tabloid headlines about fathers who drink too much. There’s still this attitude that women, especially mothers, should behave in a certain way, even though women’s drinking has become normalised.

“Women face more barriers to getting help with alcohol,” says Ammit, whose PhD research with the University of Technology Sydney is looking at ways to increase access for women needing help with alcohol.

“For women with families, there are issues like childcare or fear of losing custody of their children if they reveal a drinking problem to a health professional. Yet the fact that someone wants help is a good sign.”

When anxiety drives you to drink

Anxiety is more common in women’s problem drinking than in men’s, according to Ammit.

“I drank to relieve anxiety, and then to relieve the anxiety caused by my drinking,” says Claire, a former management consultant withholding her real name for privacy reasons.

Most days, she drank two to three bottles of wine, sometimes hiding in her walk-in wardrobe so her kids couldn’t see.

“There’d be days when I’d decide to stop at one or two, but I couldn’t stop. I’d go to dinners organised by other mums from school and I’d have to drink before I got there – just the idea of sharing a bottle of wine with someone else was anxiety-producing.”

Helped by a women’s group at Alcoholics Anonymous (AA), Claire quit drinking in her 40s.

“I didn’t want to go to AA, but in the rehab drug and alcohol program I’d joined, I was the only one with an alcohol problem. At AA, there were all these women like me. It was a relief because a drinking problem can be so isolating – it was the community effect that worked for me.”

Today, Claire supports other women trying to stay sober, including those who’ve also relied on alcohol to manage anxiety.

“You need new ways of dealing with it. I have a morning ritual that includes journaling and meditation, and I focus on gratitude,” she says. “I’ve also learned to share my issues with other women in my community. Knowing I’m not judged helps me accept their help and learn from their experience.”

According to Australia’s alcohol guidelines, men and women should have no more than 10 standard drinks weekly and no more than four drinks in any one day.Credit: iStock

The midlife drinking binge

More Australian women are drinking too much at midlife and older. One in five Australian women aged 40 to 65 are binge-drinking, according to 2022 research, while the numbers of 45- to 60-year-olds having more than two standard drinks daily has grown too, says Ammit. This number is up from 8.8 per cent in 2001 to 11.7 per cent in 2019.

“Many women don’t get help because they don’t think they need it. They’re ‘grey area’ drinkers, meaning they drink too much but aren’t alcohol-dependent,” says Victoria Vanstone, the Sober Awkward podcaster who started Cuppa, an online community for anyone keen to quit alcohol. Women, many of them parents, make up most of the 10,000 people who’ve joined up.

“I didn’t think I was bad enough to need help until I got anxiety attacks after drinking,” says Vanstone, a former binge-drinker.

“Women also often bear the emotional weight of the family and push their own needs under the carpet.”

Vanstone believes shame is a big part of why women continue drinking or why they relapse.

“It’s often tied to guilt about drinking through their kids’ early years,” she says. “I hear from women all the time who feel crushed by it and get stuck in a cycle of over-drinking. But getting sober is powerful – it’s about reclaiming your power and there’s no shame in that.”

What exactly is ‘drinking too much’?

A little hazy about the definition of drinking too much? It helps to know that both men and women should have no more than 10 standard drinks weekly and no more than four drinks in any one day to reduce the risk of alcohol-related disease, according to Australia’s alcohol guidelines.

What to do if you need help

Find a service

Ammit suggests starting with your GP or contacting your local hospital and asking for their drug and alcohol clinic. She says some people benefit from prescription medication that helps with cravings.

There is 24-hour counselling and referral to services available from the Alcohol and Drug Information Service (ADIS) 1800 250 015 in NSW and DirectLine in Victoria 1800 888 236.

Find a friend, group or sober coach

“Pairing with a friend who’s also trying to quit, signing up for Febfast and/or joining a group helps too,” says Ammit. “Trying to stop drinking can be a lonely business.”

Sober coaches can also provide one-to-one support, such as personal training, says Ammit, with costs starting from around $240 per week.

When it comes to finding support in-person or online, there are many different options, all suited to different needs.

• Go online to Hello Sunday Morning or Cuppa for support to quit or cut down and connect with others.

• Alcoholics Anonymous holds in-person and online meetings, including women’s meetings.
• SMART Recovery uses cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT) to help people quit thinking and other addictive behaviour, during in-person and online meetings.

Pick up a ‘quit lit’ book

This genre of books written by women who have quit alcohol can be helpful when looking for reassurance that you’re not alone. A Thousand Wasted Sundays by Victoria Vanstone, Beyond Booze by Sarah Rusbach and The Alcohol Experiment by Annie Grace are highly recommended.

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