Comedians, like most performing artists, are excellent bargain-hunters.

“In between gigs, I’m looking for a yummy feed that’ll give me the energy to fend off hecklers but won’t break the bank – because it’s already broken,” says Josh Glanc, a lawyer-turned-comedian who picked up a nomination for last year’s Edinburgh Comedy Award and landed a Comedy Short on Channel 4.

He’s one of 1000 performers taking the stage for Melbourne International Comedy Festival this month, as the city’s bars, theatres, basements and broom closets spill over with punters seeking a laugh.

We asked five of the festival’s guests, including Glanc, to open up their top-secret book of restaurants, bars, cafes and, err, vending machines to help those who might also need a speedy and wallet-friendly bite between shows.

Josh Glanc

Family Man

The Borek Shop at Queen Victoria Market — just a hop, skip and gozleme away from the bratwurst stall — is an institution, serving freshly baked Turkish treats since 1994. How do I know that? They have a big sign there that says it. The bad news is they’ve just raised their prices. The staff have surreptitiously used a black marker to turn the five into a six on their borek price list. Hot tip: next time there are hoards of people hovering outside the window, wander less than a block down Elizabeth Street to Borek Bakehouse: same people, same stealthily altered price list.

Shop 93-96, Queen Victoria Market, Elizabeth Street, Melbourne, qvm.com.au

Trang Bakery do a banging banh mi. I’ve been going to Trang since I lived around the corner in the mid-2000s, when a Vietnamese baguette there set you back $6. Now, they’re $11 – but I still think that’s great value for what I believe is one of the best in the city. Besides, where else do you get to chew on a $2 cinnamon doughnut while choosing between crispy or barbecued pork? (Always go for the crispy.)

382 Smith Street, Collingwood

There are at least 10 dumpling places in the CBD with ‘Shanghai’ in their name but my favourites, both in terms of price point and dumplings, are Camy Shanghai Dumpling House or the much more vibey Shanghai Village. If I’m alone, I’ll go to Camy’s. There are unlimited Chinese tea refills and the steamed pork dumplings (eight for $6.90) are delicious. It’s the perfect pick-me-up before I’m off to the next gig. But if I’m with a group and it’s post-show, I’ll go to Shanghai Village, where we can get boozy with our bok choy, thanks to a generous BYO policy.

Camy Shanghai Dumpling, 23-25 Tattersalls Lane @camy_shanghai_dumpling; Shanghai Village Dumpling, 112-114 Little Bourke Street, shanghaivillage.com.au

Sammy J

The Kangaroo Effect

Let’s get one thing straight: it’s not the journey, it’s the destination. You haven’t lived until you’ve stood and stared gormlessly at a selection of choccie bars at the snack food vending machine on Platform 1 of Flinders Street weighing up how best to distance yourself from the crushing realisation that death will come to all. Can confirm that the Aero Mint bar is the safest buffer against a full-blown existential crisis.

Flinders Street Station, Melbourne

A quiet, private, respectful place to hide away and work on show notes, Gopals Pure Vegetarian might be the best-kept secret in Melbourne. The lasagne is to die for. It comes with a choice of salads and an option to add a house-made lemonade and the staff are always so friendly and it feels more like a dinner invitation than a commercial transaction – STOP TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT GOPALS, SAMMY.

139 Swanston Street, Melbourne, gopalspurevegetarian.com.au

Supper Innis the final refuge of the night for weary comedians, who can often be seen waving desperately across the room to other performers, hoping they’ll let them squeeze onto their table. It doesn’t matter whether your show went well or terribly: there’s nothing that a few plates of dumplings and a beer can’t fix.

Level 1, 15 Celestial Avenue, 03 9663 4759

Chloe Petts

How You See Me, How You Don’t

Dingo Ate My Taco are currently cooking at the Bendigo Hotel in Collingwood, but I went when they were in the old Mill Brewery and I was blown away by the birria tacos. They’re tacos filled with loads of slow-cooked beef and melty cheese, fried until they’re crunchy. They’re stacked, but they’ll only set you back 24 bucks (as an English person, I simply love to say bucks).

125 Johnston Street, Collingwood (also on St Kilda Road) bendigohotel.com.au

[British comedian] Phil Wang said Soi 38 was his favourite eatery in all of Melbourne so I went to check it out myself. There’s a cool canteen-like atmosphere and the food is reasonably priced. I loved the tum thai (papaya salad) and tofu larb. One dish was so spicy that I think I broke the pain barrier and then became extremely euphoric (I am a bit of a wuss though.)

38 Royal Lane, Melbourne, soi38.com

If you need something quick, head to the bar at Comedy Republic for a killer cheese toastie and some pickle chips. It’s a live comedy venue started by three comedians but you can visit the bar even if you’re not going to a show. They also have an impressive selection of beers and the staff are super nice and always up for a chat.

231 Bourke Street, Melbourne, comedyrepublic.com.au

Biang Biang serves hearty food that comes out quickly and there’s a location really near Melbourne Town Hall — handy if you’re performing or catching shows. Get the wide chilli noodles (a signature) and pork roujiamo (a flaky pastry filled with meat) and dip the roujiamo in the noodle sauce. It’s mind-blowing and you can get a combo deal for around 20 bucks.

255 Swanston St, Melbourne (also on Elizabeth Street), biangbiang.com.au

Lizzy Hoo

Deja Hoo

I go to Thailand on Bourke for quick, easy Thai food with cheap drinks. You can always get a seat, plus there’s a karaoke setup I’ve never seen used – but it’s good to know it’s there just in case the urge strikes. Last time I visited before a gig, I got the khao soi, a curry noodle soup, and it was excellent.

108 Bourke Street, Melbourne, thailandonbourke.com

Kakilang Char Koay Teow serves all the Malaysian classics: nasi lemak, Hainanese chicken rice and char mee. When I found out it had opened up right across the road from Comedy Republic I thought, “this is dangerous”. Anytime I perform in the city, I usually stop by for a quick plate of char kway teow in between gigs, which is not the healthiest pre-show meal but definitely the most delicious.

190 Bourke Street, Melbourne, instagram.com

My brother introduced me to Pondok Rempah (and he’s a food influencer in Indonesia so he knows his stuff). I’m a big fan of anything on the menu with asam (sour) in the title or, for a delicious meat fix, try the iga goreng geprek which is beef ribs slathered in vibrant red chilli sauce. Indonesian food made with Australian beef is next level.

487 Elizabeth Street, Melbourne, pondokrempah.com.au

If things are going badly, I’ll go to the back corner of McDonald’s – alone – and sit in silence, listening to the sound of my own chewing. We all have bad gigs and one of the only ways to get over someone in your crowd who has not even come close to a smile is to suppress those feelings with a burger – maybe two. Nobody will question why you’re here – they just get it.

Cnr Swanston and Lonsdale streets, Melbourne

Takashi Wakasugi

Comedy Samurai

Ramen is always great for a quick, reasonably priced meal. In Melbourne, there are many good ramen places, serving all kinds of ramen, most of the time for less than $20. But I choose Mr. Ramen-san because they make hiyashi chuka (chilled ramen), which you don’t see often in Australia. It’s very fresh.

200 Bourke Street, Melbourne; 344 Little Bourke Street, mrramensan.com.au

For great sake and a very cool vibe, I go to Tamura Sake Bar which always has great Japanese jazz and city pop [1980s Japanese pop] playing. Otsumami sets (a $40 array of snacks) are good with sake to share with friends but there’s also ramen, teishoku [meal sets with main, rice, miso soup] and katsu sandos.

43 Gertrude Street, Fitzroy, tamurasho-ten.com

Dendeke is another of my go-to Japanese places in Australia, mainly because they have shio saba (grilled mackerel), which is my favourite dish (and not easy to find in Australia). I order rice, miso soup, shio saba and a few small dishes to make my own teishoku. Another bonus is the great sake selection.

113 High Street, Preston, dendeke.com.au

Not too small but not too big, not too busy but not empty, Dikstein’s Corner Bar is my perfect bar. I often go by myself for a wine and write jokes or just think about life. They have good food, too - especially the pizza (which is half price on Mondays). Please say hello if you see me there.

433 Little Collins Street, instagram.com/diksteinscornerbar

Nicolette Minster

Rising Damp

I stumbled across the delightful No. 100 on Flinders Lane in 2023 when I was looking for a quiet indulgence pre-show. Lo and behold, it turns out you can be a cheapskate at swish places, too. Order from the mezze and small plates to get Lebanese magic like spiced rice with duck and lamb. This place is so classy that I momentarily believed I was the kind of adult who pays for their own Netflix instead of still using my parents’ login … at 41.

100 Flinders Lane, Melbourne, 100flinderslane.com.au

If you’re rushing between shows and need a slice of nice to get you through the next 50 minute laughathon, swing by Pizza Pizza Pizza. Their tasty and obscenely large New York-style pies can be in your mouth within minutes. I recently learned that there’s a super cool hidden bar out the back that’s so secret, it was even a secret to me.

16 Meyers Place, pizzapizzapizza.com.au

If you haven’t got a gut full of dumplings repeating on you during Wil Anderson, you’re not doing the Comedy Festival right. Not that ShanDong Mama will make you ill – these dumplings are ultra-fresh. I like to order the Dill-icious Pork and the famous zucchini dumplings (which are also vegan).

7/200 Bourke Street, Melbourne, instagram.com/shandongmama

7-Eleven

This hidden gem is an immersive dining experience like no other. You can even barista cosplay and make your own coffee. My go-tos to get me through a night at the festival are cheese and crackers, a Boss iced latte and, if I’m feeling like I really want to test the limits of my undiagnosed lactose intolerance, a Rokeby protein smoothie. The staff behind plexiglass is a cute design touch.

Various CBD locatons, 7eleven.com.au

Melbourne International Comedy Festival, 26 March to 20 April, comedyfestival.com.au