‘Reason I told my friend to call the police after a date’

After a friend told Jana Hocking about a recent date, she was so horrified by the man’s act she wanted to call the police.

Jana Hocking offered to take her friend to the police after a date. Picture: Instagram/ Stanley Images

A few months ago a friend came over to my place for a wine and we were unpacking her most recent date. Halfway through her story I stopped her and said: “You know that’s illegal, right?”

She looked shocked and said she didn’t. I then suggested that perhaps we should go to the police.

You see, it turns out she’d been the victim of something called ‘stealthing’ and it’s very serious. Despite the fact that women have perhaps been led to believe it’s just something some men do, and not to take it too seriously.

But we should be taking it seriously, and now thankfully the law in most Aussie states and territories thinks so too.

My friend had consensually hooked up with the guy. They were having a lovely time until they finished and she asked where the condom was. He laughed and said: “Oh, I took that off ages ago.”

Yep, it turns out that unbeknown to her, he had been barebacking without a condom for most of their intimate time.

Not only did this open her to the risk of catching an STD, she could have also fallen pregnant as she wasn’t on any other form of birth control (which she had made clear from the get go).

Regardless, she had asked him to wear a condom, she had watched him put it on and then he took it off without her consent or knowing.

She said she went into shock and when she asked him why he took it off and he laughed and said: “Sorry, it was just too tight.”

What. Utter. Rubbish. We’ve all seen those TikTok videos that completely dispel this myth. And either way he should have checked with her first.

Jana Hocking offered to take her friend to the police when she found out she’d been a victim of stealthing. Picture: Instagram

A couple of weeks later I was chatting to another friend who said the same thing had happened to her. She said while it made her feel uncomfortable, she had tried to not give it too much thought because every time she did it made her want to cry.

Then last week when I asked for people to tell me their Saucy Secrets for a regular confessional I host on my Instagram each Monday night I was sent a message that disturbed me.

It said: “Not a secret but a question … is it normal for guys to get angry if you ask them to put a condom on?”

It’s not something I would normally repost with a response as that’s not what my Saucy Secrets are about. But I wanted to make sure this woman knew that it was NOT normal for guys to get angry if you ask them to put a condom on.

I responded with a meme from succession that said: “Not to be rude but please get the f**k out of my house” and said it was the only correct response to someone who does that.

One of Jana’s Instagram followers asked her if it’s normal for guys to get angry if you ask them to wear a condom.

Once I posted it, I was inundated with messages from other women sharing their own experiences with men who made them feel really uncomfortable when they asked them to wear a condom. The responses broke my heart, but not as much as the incredibly dumb “jokes” I got from men in response to why they refuse to wear them.

The age old “but I’m allergic to condoms” excuse is not only absolute garbage; it’s also deeply upsetting to a woman who has worked up the courage to ask you to put one on.

The first time sleeping with someone is already nerve-racking. Add to that the responsibility of making sure neither one of you catch an STD or fall pregnant and we’re exhausted before we’ve even unbuttoned our top.

So gents, what we then don’t want following this request is a debate over why you should wear one. What we desperately don’t want is your anger or aggression or gaslighting when we insist you wear one. And what we won’t stand for is the deception of finding out you’ve put our health (and sanity) at risk because you didn’t want to put a tiny bit of rubber on your pecker.

You see, we’re not only doing this for us, we’re also doing this for you. Do you want that uncomfortable visit to the doctor when your groin is itchy as hell (or worse)? Do you want to be paying child support for the next 18 years?

No? Well then put on your big boy pants, lube up, put it on, or choof off.

And to any woman out there feeling violated after suffering from stealthing, I say report them, report them, report them. Heck I’ll come and hold your hand while you do.

Stealthing is illegal in Tasmania, NSW, Victoria, South Australia, the NT and ACT. Queensland has passed a bill which will make it illegal and WA is reviewing their sexual offence laws regarding stealthing.

In the eyes of the law in most states and territories across Australia, stealthing is now considered rape.

I, for one, very much welcome it. How the heck are we still telling people to wear condoms in 2023? The mind baffles.

Jana Hocking is a columnist and collector of kind-of-boyfriends | @jana_hocking

Originally published as ‘Reason I told my friend to call the police after a date’