Drive a tricked-up Commodore, a Camry or a white car? Sorry, you’re a bad driver | Nikki Osborne

Warning: the following article may be offensive to … bad drivers, writes Nikki Osborne.

Warning: the following article may be offensive to … bad drivers. I’ve indicated, put on my hazards and now you need to “buckle up”.

They say only 40 per cent of the population is capable of critical thinking and higher moral development, and it only takes being stuck behind a car in the right-hand lane going 90km/h in a 100km zone blocking the 20 cars banking up behind them to make you realise “they’re right”.

Bad drivers. That’s right, we all know they’re out there but we all have a different opinion of what constitutes a bad driver. So I’m going to go out on a limb here and spit it as I see it.

Tricked-up Commodores: Their cars scream to the police, “Book me! I’ve just had a bong and a burger and now I’m driving to my ex-girlfriend’s house to pick up my shit after a fight on Snapchat.” Would I call them bad drivers though? No. They’ve got a big engine and with that comes a required alertness.

Which brings me to Camry drivers: The new Volvo driver. A brilliant, safe, reliable car you buy to do all of the thinking for you. And it shows. The kids and I call them “NPCs”, a gaming term for a Non Playing Character. They’re just going about their pre-programmed life oblivious to any other characters who might enter the scene.

White car drivers: These are the ultra- cautious drivers. They’ve bought a white car sensibly to “deflect the heat”. They have a savings account, life insurance in order and would wear a rashie for a walk to their garage because you can never be too careful. And they drive like it. I call them the “pace cars” of the roads. They’ll always go at least 10km under the limit ensuring everyone behind them is also going nice and slow. I hate getting stuck behind them but they’ve spared me a few speeding fines so it’s a love/hate relationship.

Qweekend columnist Nikki Osborne on what type of person you are based on your car.

Right-lane freeway blockers: How dare you? These are the moralisers of the road. They move out into the right-hand lane not to overtake but rather to ensure others cannot overtake, citing “I’m doing the speed limit so they can just stay stuck behind me.” They usually position themselves right next to a truck too so there’s absolutely no way to pass them. Yes, sure, technically they’re in the right but morally, perhaps not.

Kia Carnival drivers: The fact you’ve got a people carrier indicates that you’ve got more than three kids, so I’m already sympathetic. You’re managing a circus. And the best way to manage those little darlings and keep them away from you, Fortnite and your ever-depleted pantry is to book them into every single after-school activity possible, which is a manoeuvre by “parents in the know” as “activity jail”. The fallout from this is you’re a wild, erratic driver who’s expected to pick up kids from three different locations at the exact same time! Oh that’s right, I see you pushing your big, fat, white Carnival arse in ahead of me and you know what? I’ll let you in. This parenting gig is hard.

And finally the swerve right to turn left: No, no, no. This isn’t a racetrack where you enter a corner wide. You’re not Lightning McQueen. Sidle into the left lane to get your arse out of the way and take the corner.

“But what do you drive?” I hear you ask. I’m not going to tell you but here are some clues. I’m the person who likes the look of a Range Rover but doesn’t want to be mistaken for “a trophy wife, real estate agent or a WAG”. I like a car that won’t break down. I’m the kind of driver who likes old-school values and a nice leather seat. Or as Jeremy Clarkson once said: “I’m the type of driver who, when the bill is about to arrive at a gentleman’s lunch says, ‘I’m sorry chaps, I appear to have misplaced my wallet.’”

Originally published as Drive a tricked-up Commodore, a Camry or a white car? Sorry, you’re a bad driver | Nikki Osborne