‘Butts everywhere”: Nikki Osborne on uncomfortable new female empowerment trend

Comedian Nikki Osborne is all for body positivity. But when did G-strings at the beach become a sign of female empowerment?

They say boys are difficult in the younger years but when it comes to the teenage years, mothers of boys have it easy by comparison.

As a mother of two boys; tits deep in gaming costs and dirty socks, I’ve clung to that idea with great optimism but always had my reservations. That was until last summer, or as I call it, the summer of the great thong bottom attack.

I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but there’s a real movement among teen girls right now to wear G-strings at the beach.

And when I say movement, I literally mean it. Last week my youngest son started singing at the beach: “my booty don’t jiggle jiggle, it rolls” as a sunburnt tookus waddled between him and his sandcastle. Naturally, I laughed at first. Then I felt guilty. I’ll get to that soon.

Columnist Nikki Osborne.

I’m not sure what’s instigated this movement. Is it about body empowerment? Is it about Instagram likes? Or is it just a stretch fabric shortage that hasn’t been reported in the news? All I know is that there are butts everywhere and sometimes it’s hard to know where to look.

The beach now resembles the Instagram feed of Leonardo DiCaprio but is that a good thing?

I know plenty of men aren’t complaining but as a parent, if your 14-year-old daughter is being ogled by a bunch of plastered bogans spilling out of the leagues club, you’d certainly be feeling the “ick”.

So I’m left wondering: is this trend female empowerment or are we just making an arse of ourselves?

Yet again, I find myself challenging my own potentially outdated moral code. Sometimes I feel like one of those stuffy, stuck-up birds from a black and white film who would tutt tutt the girl who first wore a flapper dress. You know, a judgy bitch.

I grew up believing that you need to leave a little bit to the imagination. A bit of mystery, a touch of class. I also grew up wearing board shorts and a hypercolour T-shirt from Pizza Hut.

This swimsuit doesn’t leave much to the imagination.

Now, that look is neither class nor liberating and the only mystery is who the hell thought that was a good look? Plus I had the tan lines of a tradie called Brett. That’s not hot. It also explains why I didn’t snag a boyfriend for a few years.

Well played, Mum.

Then I think it wasn’t that long ago where Kochie copped some heat for suggesting mothers breastfeed in a private manner because it made people feel uncomfortable. In that case, I felt like we’d entered the Tardis and travelled back to the Dark Ages. Mind you, that is where morning television likes to hang out.

Back to the butts.

I guess what I’m discovering is that I, myself, am feeling somewhat uncomfortable at the beach, and the question I keep asking myself is: Who’s problem is that? Mine? Or theirs?

Is part of “female empowerment” the act of doing something that makes people uncomfortable?

I mean Europe is eons ahead of us on that front. Eggs and buns everywhere but is it possible that are we going to become so progressive that we go full circle? Will we soon have people wandering naked just like Adam and Eve did in the beginning?

Less is more for Kim Kardashian. Picture: @kimkardashian/Instagram

At what point do we reel this in and go, “All right, sisters, we’ve been spoiling the blokes long enough, let’s cover it back up and bring mystery back.”

Or should we not even give a stuff about who’s uncomfortable because bodies are bodies and get over it?! This is the attitude I’m working hard to adopt. When I see a woman in a thong with more junk in the trunk, instead of going “aargh”, I now say out loud for my boys to hear “good on her for being so comfortable in her own skin”. Plus, a lot of women just have hungry butts and gobble up the fabric regardless of the cut.

So in hindsight, pardon the pun, I agree with women sporting the G at the beach. I just pity the poor parents of teenage girls doing it.