‘How dare they’: Comedian’s fury at being told by private school to cut her son’s hair

Comedian Nikki Osborne has revealed the outrage she felt when her son’s school told her she needed to have his collar-length hair cut.

My son recently handed me a letter from his school. I optimistically opened it, thinking maybe it was an invite to assembly to watch him receive an award. Perhaps he’s been invited to a maths comp, or better still, they’re offering him free tuition because he’s showing signs of brilliance. Oh god, what if it’s a letter saying
he’s been caught puffing on a bubbleberry vape behind the PE shed? I view vapes as pacifiers
for big teenage babies. Don’t get me started. That’s another article. But no, this letter was even worse.

The letter read: If you’re reading this letter your child has seven days to get their hair cut.

My immediate reaction was: I beg your pardon! That’s an outrage! I can’t even get in to see my hairdresser this quarter let alone in seven days and also … how dare they?!

I could feel the inner Karen in me bubbling to the surface. I looked to my husband and he just said: “Don’t look at me, I’d just get it cut,” and continued to watch Ancient Apocalypse. But I was so triggered I spilt my prosecco … and that made me double mad.

I know it’s first-world problems but I was instantly incensed by a) them making comment on my son’s appearance and b) demanding I change it.

Nikki Osbourne with her sons Teddy and Will. Picture: Lachie Millard

I guess it could be assumed that my reaction is one of a woman who has felt pressured to look a certain way her whole life. Or is it because I’m just at my capacity of being told what to do post Covid? Either way, I wasn’t having it. I ran into my son’s room and asked why he needed his locks cut. “It touches my collar,” he said.

They can’t be serious. His hair barely touches his collar and it’s what I would call an elegant cut.

A bit of swish, a touch of charisma and a hint of Andrew Ettingshausen back in his pre-mullet prime.

He looks good! He doesn’t suit a soldier cut or a Beckham buzz.

This kid needs hair. Do you know who else needs hair?!

Kids with ear complexes. This is prejudicial to big- eared kids.

Now I’m angry on their behalf too!

The punch of the prosecco bubbled up again and I exclaimed: “Just say you identify as a bogan and your pronouns are sick dawg and eshay bruh.”

Comedian Nikki Osborne on the strange school rule she can’t get on board with.

Not my finest moment. I let the Brown Brothers get the best of me and although it made him smile, I could see that my resistance to the system might be causing him more harm than good.

Plus, perhaps I’m being a massive hypocrite by enrolling my child in a conservative school then expecting them to be more progressive.

As I drive into school pick up, I should be glad it doesn’t resemble the motley crew hanging out on the steps at Timezone. He’s not surrounded by a sea of rat tails and mullets and that should be a good thing. I mean, that’s what I wanted right? Is it?

Now I’m torn. I work in the arts. I’m surrounded by the most weird and wonderful, eccentric, interesting people. There’s pink hair touching collars. There’s dreadlocks touching butts. Then there’s Harry Styles. I’ll bet his mum got a letter. I hope she rolled it into a joint and smoked it when he got his first million.

So the question I’ve arrived at is: Are private school grooming standards outdated? Or was my initial reaction that of a hypocritical Karen? Because the more I think about it, it seems like I want my cake and to eat it too. I want all of the other kids shorn and respectable while my kid rocks his Harry Styles do. They can’t all have long hair. It’ll look like a scene from Dazed and Confused. We can’t have that. Damn it. What am I going to do?

Yeah. I got his hair cut.

Instagram: @nikkiosborneofficial

Mel Buttle is on leave