Nicole Kidman reveals she was privately ‘struggling’ during her Oscar win in 2003

The Australian actress was the toast of the 2003 Oscars – and now all these years later, she’s revealed the sad reality of taking home the golden statue that night.

Nicole Kidman has revealed she was privately struggling at the time of her Oscar win in 2003. Picture: AFP

It should’ve been the best night of Nicole Kidman’s professional life, but her debut Oscar win for Best Actress in 2003 was overshadowed by her private heartache.

In rare insight into the Australian star’s high-profile split from Tom Cruise, Kidman tells author Dave Karger in his new book 50 Oscar Nights she had only just finalised her divorce from the Top Gun actor at the time of her award win. They were married for 11 years.

Kidman, who was 35 at the time, took to the stage at the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood to accept the award for her role as Virginia Woolf in The Hours, where she visibly broke down as she attempted to make a speech.

“Russell Crowe said don’t cry when you get up there, and now I’m crying,” she said onstage.

Nicole Kidman won the Oscar for Best Actress in 2003, taking a moment to compose herself. Picture: AFP

Kidman said she was privately struggling with her divorce at the time of her win. Picture: AFP

“I was struggling with things in my personal life, yet my professional life was going so well,” she says of the moment in the upcoming book, via People. “That’s what happens, right?”

Despite the milestone moment, Kidman says she wasn’t in a celebratory mood and wanted to skip the glitzy Vanity Fair after-party in favour of going home to bed.

“I’m not a big party girl, so I was going to skip the Vanity Fair party, and everyone was like, ‘You’ve got to go. You’ve got to walk through the party carrying your Academy Award,’” she says.

“I said, ‘That just feels like gloating, and it doesn’t feel humble.’ Like, what? You can’t walk through carrying the award! That feels really inappropriate. They’re like, ‘That’s what you do.’”

Kidman, now 56, did end up attending the after-party briefly to pose for photographers, but admits she didn’t enjoy a second of it – something she now regrets.

“So I literally walked in, carried it around, was completely overwhelmed, emotional, shaking, and I didn’t enjoy it. I was almost apologetic, which is so stupid. I wish I could have enjoyed it more,” she says.

“I went home and ended up ordering takeout and eating it on the floor of the Beverly Hills Hotel … I sat on the floor of the hotel eating French fries and a burger with my family and went to bed.

“That’s when it hit me. I went, I need to find my love; I need a love in my life. Because this is supposed to be when you go, ‘This is ours.’”

Kidman and Cruise were married for 11 years. Picture: Dave Benett/Getty Images

She adds, “I went to bed alone; I was in bed before midnight. If I ever won again, I’m telling you, I’d be out for 24 hours.”

Kidman is yet to win another Oscar, having been nominated three times since for Rabbit Hole (2011), Lion (2017) and Being The Ricardos (2022).

Ultimately, she got what she says she needed in the way of a lifelong love, after meeting Keith Urban at the G’Day USA Gala in 2005.

The couple, who have been married for 17 years, share two children, daughters Sunday Rose, 15 and Faith Margaret, 13.

Keith Urban and Kidman have been married for 17 years. Picture: NCA NewsWire / Monique Harmer

Kidman also shares two children with Cruise, including Isabella Jane, whom they adopted as a newborn in 1992, as well as Connor, whom they also adopted as a newborn in 1995.

While rumours have circled over the years Kidman is no longer close with the pair, who chose to live with Cruise after the couple’s divorce, the Big Little Lies star has always refuted these claims, repeatedly affirming her love for all four of her children.

While promoting her 2016 film Lion, in which her character was an adoptive mother, Kidman said the movie was “a love letter to my children.”

“I relate to that. I feel that for my own children who are adopted,” Kidman said at the time. “It’s not about anything else other than ‘I wanted you.’

“It’s that deep and personal, and whatever your journey is, I’m here to love and support you.”

Originally published as Nicole Kidman reveals she was privately ‘struggling’ during her Oscar win in 2003