We’d all benefit from the secret women’s code: giving spontaneous compliments

I dare you to make a point of giving at least one compliment to a stranger, today or tomorrow, while out in the world, writes Nikki Gemmell.

It is a secret code among women that is cherished by a lot of us. It runs like an underground river through womanhood, strong and connecting, passed from female to female.

It is the spontaneous compliment that we women pay to each other, often strangers. Little remarks out of the blue about a striking outfit perhaps, a haircut, a dance move, a brazen confidence; something arresting about the other female that sparks joy in us. And so we tip our hat to it.

It’s a little token of support through our often frazzled days – yet do we know how to properly respond, with acceptance and grace, to these moments? Often, no. We women aren’t good at receiving compliments. We’re conditioned to deflect and diminish; to blush and bat away the gift. “This old thing?” “I just threw it on.” “Me? No, look at your beautiful smile.”

The arc of the compliment code was written to perfection into a moment in the recent Barbie movie. An older woman was sitting quietly at a bus stop. “You’re so beautiful,” Barbie said to her. The recipient looked strongly and warmly at the younger woman and smiled contentedly, matter-of-fact. “I know it.” Simple as that, and it was so instructive as the two strangers held the beat for a moment, the truth of the words passing like a gift between them. It was an illuminating exchange of positive female energy given and gracefully received. It was instructive to see the strength and self-acceptance of the age-ravaged yet contented older woman.

It’s not always this way. Women suffer a deficit of confidence, men an abundance. “I have been complimented many times and they always embarrass me; I always feel they have not said enough,” Mark Twain declared once, yet with women it often feels like the compliment-giver has said too much. We deny, gush; throw the words back like we don’t quite believe them. How do men receive? They absorb. Yet it is so engrained in women not to boast or show off, not to make ourselves larger in the world; we’re conditioned to shrink ourselves smaller and quieter, to obediently take up less space – and this spills into the way we typically receive compliments.

Bugger that. A reader named Polly has written to me about “The Art of Giving and Receiving Compliments,” and suggested I write a column on the issue. Polly, this one’s for you.

She explained: “While on a road trip from Adelaide via Bright, Falls Creek, Wodonga and on to Sydney, the one thing that made it so enjoyable was the amount of times different ladies come up to praise my outfits. Maybe in beautiful ‘n’ friendly Bright, I could have been the only woman not wearing a black puffer jacket! Two women paid me a compliment there, another did the same at Mount Beauty and then while perched on a fence in Mosman a fourth lady came up to do the same. Now I’m no Elle Macpherson, in my seventies, but what joy to have this happen. It led me to wonder if others receive compliments, about all sorts of achievements, and if we as a whole are good at giving pleasant, sincere compliments – which can certainly make one’s day.”

Ah, the joy radiating from Polly’s words. She goes on: “During these difficult times perhaps we could give away as many compliments as possible, to help others feel better. I’m feeling that karma will come one’s way.”

So here’s to those fleeting moments of bonding that deepen and lighten another’s day. There’s a great connecting power in a compliment; they can lift a person’s entire mood, send them joyously on their way.

It is a noticing. A gift of fleeting attention that lingers. I dare you to make a point of giving at least one compliment to a stranger, today or tomorrow, while out in the world. It’s a gift to the giver as well as the receiver. Why wouldn’t you want to make someone feel good?