Gentlemen, you are not being judged on the size of your penis

Being in possession of a very large penis is not the clincher men think it is, writes Nikki Gemmell.

Men of the world, a word: it is a truth universally acknowledged (among women) that a man in possession of a very large penis is not the clincher that men think it is. Do we really, actually, care that much about penis size? No, we do not. Do we ever really notice? Not this woman, and I am not alone.

This is a fact backed up by Gordon Muir, a British consultant urologist who in 2016 carried out a comprehensive study on penis size. In doing so, he also discovered that only 15 per cent of women were dissatisfied with their partner’s size. It’s just not something we notice that much. Or should I say, as much as men think we do. Muir tactfully deduced, in a service to womankind, “Few women will want a ten inch [25cm] penis. If you’re too big the glans touches the cervix, and that’s going to hurt.” Well, yes.

I have had seven lovers in my life. Not that many. Quite possibly average. And honestly, I cannot remember the penis length of any of them because I don’t take such granular notice. Ah yes, the girth, for one of them, I do recall – because it was so wide it hurt. It was not pleasant. Bigger was not better. I do not want to be hurt. That is not what sex, for me, is about.

So gentlemen, please note: you are not being judged on length. Please can we clear this up and quite possibly eliminate a good deal of angst, especially among younger men. What woman – outside of the warped world of porn – actively desires the enormous male appendage? You are being judged, quite possibly, on generosity. Tenderness. Reciprocity. Good humour. Patience. Expertise. And what we do love is confidence. A man who’s content with what he’s got. Male insecurity is a blight, in bed and in life.

During the pandemic there was an uptake in men seeking cosmetic surgery. The International Society of Aesthetic Plastic Surgery noted, post pandemic, a significant global rise in both non-surgical and surgical penile procedures. Muir explains that in lockdown a lot of young men increased their consumption of porn, and compared themselves to porn stars, “who, statistically, are outliers. It’s like watching basketball all day and then deciding, ‘I should be 6ft 6in tall.’ Next thing is, they’re booking themselves in for penis enlargement surgery. Of course, with the recovery time afforded by ‘working from home’, it led to a lot of misguided butchery.”

Meaning, fillers forming lumps. Moving around. Infections. Loss of sensation in the tip, which led to sex without feeling. “The tragedy is there’s usually nothing unusual about their genitalia in the first place,” Muir explained. “5.2 inches [13.2cm] erect, 3.6 inches [9.1cm] when flaccid. That’s average. But lockdown convinced a lot of men, young men especially, they had a problem.” Muir is not a fan of penile fillers: “It’s a con for anxious men who will likely end up with a scarred penis that looks like the dog has chewed it.”

Writer Caitlin Moran says: “Men are very penis-based during sex while, for women, [it’s] a full-body experience; we’re aware of your touch, your smell, your weight. It really isn’t about [penis] size.” I have never chosen a partner for their size. It’s not a factor. I do not notice. There’s so much more to be interested in. A partner’s ability to make me laugh. Their curiosity – do they ask questions? Reliability, energy, kissing compatibility. And a crucial absence of a need to control – will they let me be who I want to be? All is much more important.

Muir concludes, for men in particular thinking of cosmetic intervention, “What women actually want is men who are kind, funny and not obese. If you’re really that worried about giving your partner pleasure, buy her a Rabbit [vibrator]. Live your life. For God’s sake, leave your penis alone.”