First impressions: Volkswagen T-Cross

This is the only car I’ve tested that had a serious fault for the entire duration of my test drive.

Volkswagen T-Cross.

I have eight jobs. I know this because it’s what I always tell people. But the funny thing is that I’m so busy, I actually can’t remember what the eighth job is. Am I a rent boy at night? Am I the foreign secretary? No idea. What I do know is that I’m sitting here now panicking about what I’ll put in the other two columns I write, knowing that before the week’s out I must turn my attention to my TV commitments. I’m also building a house, and a shop, and writing a book, and all of this is set against my new role as a farmer, which occupies my mind seven days a week from dawn until past dusk.

This might explain why I forgot to drive the latest car they sent around. Wait. That’s not strictly true. I did drive it, but only to reverse it from where it had been left into a little alley between two barns. The problem was that the alley into which I’d put the car isn’t very visible – which is why, when I had to drive to London, I forgot it was there and leapt into my Range Rover. When I got back the next day the Volkswagen had gone. And now here I am, wondering how on earth I can review a car I’ve only driven, in reverse, for about five metres. What I can say straight away is that, for the entire duration of this drive, there was a terrible vibration. Does it do that when you go forwards? No idea. I never found out. I can also tell you it was a Volkswagen.

So I went, before I embarked on this column, to VW’s website to find out as much as I could. And it was here that I discovered that it’s called the T-Cross. I was invited to click on a link that would give me more details but all I got was some pictures of model Cara Delevingne, who’s the face of this new car, VW’s smallest SUV. I was even invited to watch a video of her, which I did. Several times. No mention was made of the car.

So I scrolled down to find out, for example, how much it costs, but I had to wade past pictures of a ginger man with a ponytail and another pretty model in a purple skirt before, finally, I learnt that the range will start at $27,990. That is much less than I was expecting and I’d like to give VW’s marketing people a bit of advice at this point. Cara is lovely. And we all enjoy watching her on the internet. But if I’d been in your shoes, I’d have nosed my strategy on the surprisingly low price.

Underneath, it’s a VW Polo, and there’s nothing wrong with that. The Polo is a fine car. I have driven one of those – forwards – and I liked it very much. It’s what I’d buy if I were after a car of this type, but I’m out of step. Everyone else in the world wants their car to be on stilts, so they will be more interested in the high-riding T-Cross.

What I can tell you is that it’s very good-looking. It also has a very nice interior with lots of snazzy trim. It’s one of the reasons I’m so surprised by the price. It didn’t sound cheap, either. The door, when I closed it, made the exact same noise as a hard-hit pheasant landing in a well-ploughed field. It also sounds nice when you start it up, because the tiny 1-litre turbocharged engine has only three cylinders. This means it’s inherently unbalanced, like a V8, which means the noise it makes is flawed and therefore human.

There are two petrol versions on offer, one of which produces 70kW and the other 84kW. That’s 84kW from 1 litre, which is remarkable. Maybe that’s why it vibrates so much. But, all things considered, you’re better off saving your money and getting the cheaper version. If you want to achieve a tyre-screeching personal best on your way to work every morning, you’d probably be better off with something else. Such as a Lamborghini Aventador.

I can also tell you, because I waded past more pictures of things that have nothing to do with the car, that it’s crammed full of cubbyholes and the rear seat slides forwards and backwards. But that’s it, I’m afraid.

So. Conclusions. Yes, this is the only car I’ve tested that had a serious fault for the entire duration of my test drive. But I can’t really mark it down for that, as the “entire duration” was only 15 seconds. And I only went backwards. Other things? Well, assuming the vibration I experienced on reversing was an anomaly, the T-Cross is good value, cheap to run, charismatic and practical. And if you want a small SUV, that’s probably enough.

VOLKSWAGEN T-CROSS

ENGINE: 1.0-litre turbocharged three-cylinder petrol (84kW/200Nm). Average fuel 4.9 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: Seven-speed dual-clutch automatic, front-wheel drive

PRICE: From $27,990; in Australia from April