Relationships used to be simple, but now … it’s complicated

The courtship stage of the life-cycle has been transformed from a relatively simple process of selecting a partner at a local deb ball to trialling a series of relationships emanating from new communities, writes Bernard Salt.

We all like to think of ourselves as unique individuals and in a sense this is correct. But as a collective we follow a remarkably predictable pattern of life. There’s a time for courtship, for reproduction, for work, for kids to leave home, and maybe even for reflection about the meaning of life.

And along this journey, there are many milestones that have remained in place for generations. But other milestones are apt to move and mingle. In the early 1970s, for example, the average age at first marriage for an Australian woman was 21 whereas today this milestone is closer to 28. The average age at first confinement (baby) over this time has pushed back from 23 to 30. These are seismic shifts that change the narrative of life.

The 2021 census shows that Australians are most likely to live in a de facto relationship from the age of 21, but by age 29 such unions are outnumbered by traditional marriages.

The courtship stage of the life-cycle has been transformed from a relatively simple process of selecting a partner at a local deb ball at the age of 17 to trialling a series of relationships emanating from new communities including the workplace and ever bigger cities. In such a world the market explodes for celebrations such as Valentine’s Day and for role-modelled behaviour like that presented in Friends (1994-2004) and Sex and the City (1998-2004).

There is now a succession of household formation experiences that stretch across the twenties and into the thirties: share-house, de facto, formal marriage, the arrival of children.

And there’s another household formation experience that is positioned somewhere in the early forties called the “must upgrade to accommodate teenagers” stage in the life-cycle. This is convenient because the average age at which Australians typically earn most (full-time) income is 43, according to the census. And with the oldest Millennial now aged 41 there can only be more competition for family-lifestyle-trophy homes (with a Zoom room) over the balance of this decade.

But sadly family life doesn’t always work out as planned. Most women who described their relationship status at the census as divorced were aged 46. For men, the equivalent age is 52. If the first half of the 2020s is all about the cost of housing, the second half could well be about the stresses of separation and divorce.

By the mid-fifties there is a downshift in the number of (young adult) kids living in the family home. After 65 the proportion of Australians remaining in the workforce diminishes, although many of today’s baby boomers are choosing to work on.

Census questions around long-term mental health conditions show high levels of anxiety and depression among twenty-somethings. But the same question shows a marked diminution of these issues from the mid-fifties onwards.

This all leads to what is for many of us the most contented stage in the life-cycle, the late sixties and the seventies. This is a time when the mortgage is paid off, kids are established in relationships, and grandchildren are arriving.

Yes, the Australian life-cycle is predictable but even with its trials and its hardships, the overall quality of life including life expectancy we enjoy is among the best in the world today.