Range Rover Velar SVAutobiography Dynamic Edition review: it’s what you really want

The mega-powerful new version of the Range Rover Velar will turn your rational brain to mush.

Range Rover Velar.

The motor industry spent about a hundred years perfecting the art of making cars and by the beginning of this century had become pretty good at it. But then everyone decided cars needed to be taller and greener and cheaper to run and, possibly, to operate on their own, without a driver. As a result, the world’s motor manufacturers are now wobbling about with one foot on a rollerskate and one on a banana skin. They are going down. It’s just a question of when.

The problem is that country after country is announcing it will soon ban the sale of cars that run on petrol or diesel. This is forcing manufacturers to invest in electric vehicles. And while billions are being thrown at the problem, almost no one is buying the tech that results. The batteries aren’t good enough yet. They’re too expensive. And they don’t last long enough.

In Britain, sales of hybrid and electric cars fell nearly 12 per cent in June. Sales of cars that can be plugged into the mains halved compared with last year. So car-makers are being forced to develop a technology that everyone says they want, but don’t really.

What they want is an SUV. Sales of these high-riding family boxes rose by 18 per cent across Europe last year, and you’d think that’d be good news for Jaguar Land Rover. It certainly looks that way as I mooch about Notting Hill and the Cotswolds. Every street, every pub car park is crammed with Range Rovers. And they’re not cheap. Yet Jaguar Land Rover is losing money like kids lose their gloves on a skiing holiday. While it is hopeful that a return to profitability is just around the corner, it must be worried sick about a no-deal Brexit. Who in Europe will buy a Range Rover if it comes with 200 per cent import duty?

Despite all this, this morning I am reviewing a mega-powerful new version of the Range Rover Velar, the SVAutobiography Dynamic Edition. And I like it. Not all of it, mind. I’m not sure who designs the seats for Land Rover these days, but I suspect their idea of a relaxing sit-down is a milking stool. Things aren’t quite so bad in the Velar, but they’re still too hard. The seatbelt doesn’t adjust for height; and in a car this size, you’d expect a bit more rear legroom. Then there’s the dash. It’s glass, like in the cockpit of a modern airliner, and it looks lovely. But every time you try to adjust, say, the temperature, your knuckle grazes the screen and suddenly you’re in Eco mode or the sat nav has decided you need to go to Pontefract. To make matters worse, this car runs on at least 21-inch wheels, which means the ride is quite bumpy. Then there’s the price.

Here’s the thing, though. There’s something about the Velar that turns the rational side of your brain to mush. This is partly because of the way it looks. Think of it as, I dunno, Daryl Hannah back in the day. You’d have crawled over a nest of scorpions for the chance of a stolen moment.

I don’t need a Velar. But I want one. And if I bought one, this is the model I’d go for, because its supercharged 5-litre V8 produces 405kW and 680Nm. So you can get from 0 to 100km/h in 4.5 seconds and then onwards, in a blizzard of noise from the exhaust, to 272km/h. In a Range Rover, for crying out loud. Better still, it handles. The payback for the bumpy ride and all the missed stabs at various buttons is that, on a twisty road, you can cry havoc and the four driven dogs of war will keep you between the hedges. It is bloody good fun to hustle. And it stops well too.

It felt like a car very much in tune with the times. It’s an urban SUV, which is what people want. It runs on petrol, which is what people say they don’t want but they do. And it looks gorgeous. Better still, it’s made in Coventry, so even if we leave the EU without a deal, we will still be able to buy one without any import duty.

RANGE ROVER VELAR SVAutobiography Dynamic Edition

ENGINE: 5.0-litre supercharged petrol V8 (405kW/680Nm) Average fuel 11.8 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: Eight-speed automatic, all-wheel drive

PRICE: From $176,412