Land Rover Defender 130 review: Let’s be kind and say they were going for a functional look

Odd-looking: the Land Rover Defender 130 X-Dynamic HSE D300

The greatest gift God ­bestowed on any animal was the dog’s unwillingness to take itself for a walk. It wants to go for a walk. It loves going for a walk. Nothing makes it happier. But it will not go on its own. You have to be there too, even if it’s cold and raining and you’d rather sit by the fire watching football.

I’m told that you are breaking the law in Scotland if you don’t have your dog under control “in a public place, or in a private space”. Private? Yup, it seems even when you are at home, you can be fined if your dog won’t sit or go on its bed when asked.

Mine are pretty well behaved, but when they spot a deer they lose all sense of reason and hare off in pursuit. They’ve never caught one, and given a deer’s ability to jump over the sort of wall Donald Trump could only dream about, they never will. But it does worry me that they can be so consumed by bloodlust.

And that’s why, on this morning’s walk, I was frightened half to death by the sound of an animal howling in very obvious distress. Fearful that one of my dogs was being attacked by a disease-ridden badger, I plunged into the undergrowth, running madly to the source of the sound. But I never got there. Because after just 25 metres, I was completely entangled by brambles. Blood was spouting from arterial wounds. My hat was ripped from my head by a thorn. My trousers were torn to shreds. And that’s when the dog loped past, happy as Larry.

God knows what it had been doing, and thanks to the wilding (laziness) I’ve been deploying in that part of the farm, we’ll never find out. But anyway, I’m sitting here now, wearing every Elastoplast I could find in our medicine drawer, and not daring to take off my jumper as I know it’s festooned with thorns that will remove even more skin should I pull it over my head.

The Land Rover Defender 130 X-Dynamic HSE D300

So let’s forget walking and get round to the meat of today’s missive: a review of the new 5m long, eight-seat Land Rover Defender 130. It would be a nine-seater if you could specify the front-row jump seat that’s available on other, shorter models, but this would then make it a minibus and you’d have to pass a test in weirdness* before being allowed to drive it.

The extra length, all added at the back, doesn’t do much for the styling - it’s a very odd- looking car - but there really is space in there for eight full-sized adults. Providing of course those ordered to sit in the stern are mechanically minded enough to fold the middle seats down. I’m afraid I gave up.

The other drawback is when the seats are up, the boot’s not very big. You certainly won’t get a couple of labradors in there. I know. I tried. This means the 130, like pretty well all the 50 or so models in the Defender range, isn’t really going to be much use as a practical workhorse. You need to think of it as a rival to the increasingly excellent Volvo XC90. Except for the interior trim. The Volvo feels Swedishly cool and stylish, whereas the Land Rover feels dark and foreboding. And the trim is nowhere near as tactile. Let’s be kind and say they were going for a functional look.

That said, the Land Rover drives well. The diagonal pitching I experienced in the short-wheelbase 90 model was not in evidence at all. Maybe the air suspension you get on this car is responsible but whatever, it was all smooth and serene.

The petrol engine may have helped too. Of course, you don’t buy a car like this with a petrol engine, even if there is some kind of mild hybrid assistance, because it feels like conspicuous and unnecessary consumption. As it’s not a sports car and you’re never going to drive it like your hair’s on fire, you may as well go for the diesel. And if anyone accuses you of using the fuel of Satan, tell them it’s a sort of hybrid and then they’ll have to shut up. Or tell them you voted Labour. Same thing.

By now you probably think it’s a pretty good car and you’d be right. It is. It’s not even on nodding terms with the concept of pretty and the boot’s small when all the seats are in place, but none of this really matters because prices for an entry-level model start at pounds 74,000. And that’s about what I have to spend to take back control of my woods from nature.

*I’m not saying all minibus drivers are weird. Just most of them.

Land Rover Defender 130 X-Dynamic HSE D300

Engine: 3.0-litre, 6 cylinders, twin turbo, diesel (220kW/650Nm)

Transmission: Automatic AWD

Fuel economy: 8.8-9.4 litres/100km

Price: $124,150

Rating: ★★★★