Jeremy Clarkson review: Suzuki Swift 1.2 Mild Hybrid Ultra

I’ve always found it to be the best in breed, fun, well priced and quite good-looking in a girl-next-door sort of way. But times have changed.

On the road: the Suzuki Swift 1.2 Mild Hybrid Ultra

I pulled out of a side turning last week and while I was collecting my thoughts about where I was going and why, I noticed that a purple-faced cyclist coming towards me was frantically flapping her arm around and ordering me to slow the heck down.

So I glanced at my digital speedo, which said I was doing 10km/h. That’s not a misprint. I was doing 10km/h. But the lady assumed that, because I was in a car, I must be speeding. It’s what car drivers do, because they are all bastards. Murdering, pig-faced bastards.

I was going to stop and explain to her that 10km/h is hardly an ­excessive speed but I’ve learnt over the years that arguing with a ­cyclist is like arguing with a chair. You don’t get anywhere because they are in the right, always, and you are in the wrong because you are a ­murdering, pig-faced ­bastard. Because you have a car. Which is reckless capitalism in motion. So you may be a Tory as well.

This problem is especially acute in the Cotswolds, where there isn’t really much to complain about. You can stop any local in the street and ask what’s wrong with their life, and because there’s no terrible crime and no one in their immediate family has been shanked and the public services are pretty good, they always say, after a long think, “Er, people drive too fast through my village.”

Cute: from the front

This sentiment then spills over into parish councils, where the locals meet up to discuss how life could be improved. It can’t, really. So after they’ve agreed to oppose whatever planning permission is being sought that month, the talk invariably turns to the problem of speeding pig-faced bastards in the village and whether a 30km/h limit might be appropriate.

I sort of wish Thames Water would put even more sewage into the water system, because then at least the parish councils would have something proper to moan about. But, for now, they don’t. So it’s speeding and the need for more 30km/h limits.

There’s a village near here that used to be called Foul Brook, ­presumably because the river there was disgusting long before Thames Water was invented. But today it’s called Fulbrook and it’s pretty idyllic: 440 residents, Norman church, nice pub. Idyllic then, apart from the fact that the fairly busy A361 runs through it.

Naturally it has been decided that the cars and the lorries on this road are travelling too quickly and that a 30km/h limit would slow them down. It hasn’t. I spent a little while in the village the other day and not one single driver was doing anything close to 30. They had looked at the signs, noted that it’s a main trunk road and carried on at 40. All the new limit has done, then, is made their behaviour a bit more illegal.

I can see that a 30km/h limit might work in a residential street or near a school, but as a catch-all weapon it doesn’t work at all. ­Because on a main road it’s not ­actually possible to maintain 30km/h.

Try it. As soon as you get to any kind of downhill slope you’ll be doing 40 or 50. And the only way to stop this from happening is to stare, constantly, at your speedo. Which means you are not looking where you are going.

As you may have heard, the socialists in Wales imposed a blanket 30km/h speed limit on all residential streets recently. And then, after half a million people – which is almost everyone – signed a petition, the politburo backed down, saying limits would be up to local authorities. So we are back to where we started, because most will keep the new limit as it is.

In London, which is even more socialist, I know people who’ve lost their driving licences after reaching 12 points. And the fastest they had been travelling in any of the offences was 40km/h.

So what’s to be done? Well, maybe cars will have to be fitted with a sort of pitlane speed limiter. Hit a button as you approach a 30km/h zone and electronics will keep you on the right side of … I was going to say the law, but really it’s just some madcap left-wing plot to make everyone use the bus.

Bong city: inside the Swift

Perhaps that day is coming, but until then we have cars that bong at you if they think you’re doing something wrong, such as not sitting up straight, or driving for too long without a break, or cutting a corner, or going too quickly. And to make sure car manufacturers don’t fit one big red button that turns all of them off, EU law requires drivers to “perform a series of functions” if they want to shut them down. In other words, you have to access submenus if you want some peace and quiet.

I’ve become used to this. I allow more time before setting off so I can silence all the bongs, but the other day I was flummoxed by the Suzuki Swift. I disabled most of the functions but the speed-limit bong was still on. And to make matters worse it was going off on my drive because it had it in its tiny electronic mind that the speed limit was 30km/h. It isn’t. It’s 300km/h.

I poked and prodded at the dash in the manner of a pilot who’s trying to regain control of his stricken airliner, but in the end I took the car back up the drive and used my Jag instead.

And that, I’m afraid, is as far as I ever got in the new Swift. This means that a review is impossible. Lisa drove it, turning the radio right up to drown out the socialism, and liked it a lot. But me? Sorry. I’m 64 and that means I’m too old and too world-weary to be lectured by a car. It’s a shame, as I have a soft spot for the little Swift. I’ve always found it to be the best in breed, fun, well priced and quite good-looking in a girl-next-door sort of way. The new version has lost its looks, but priced in the UK at £18,699 (or £20,499, including options, for the Mild Hybrid Ultra version I drove), it’s still good value, especially when you look at the list of everything that comes as standard. It’ll be reliable too. But as for what the 1.2-litre three-cylinder engine is like? No idea, I’m afraid.

I suppose the only conclusion I can draw is that if we are going to get more cycle lanes and more 30km/h zones and more restrictive anti-car town planning, there’s no point in reviewing cars at all. ­Because who’d want one?

Suzuki Swift 1.2 Mild Hybrid Ultra

ENGINE: 1.2-litre petrol engine plus self-charging electric motor

PERFORMANCE: 0-100km/h 12.5 seconds, top speed 165km/h

PRICE: from $24,490

JEREMY’S RATING:★★★★