If Australia had superheroes, who would they be?

Could ‘BradMan’ be a uniquely Australian superhero? Have your say in the comments.

Superman. Batman. Spider-Man. Iron Man. Ant-Man. And the token Wonder Woman. A vast menagerie of superannuated superheroes, all ultra-American, all fascistic, all running around in their Technicolor underwear. And talking of fascist tendencies, I understand that DC Comics will launch TrumpMan in time for the next presidential election.

It’s the usual gross overload of Captain American heroes. Coca-Colonisation at its worst. Not an Australian among them. For some reason Ben Roberts-Smith has been shelved – from superhero to zero. But where’s Ned-Man, the original iron man in his trusty rusty undies? All those sissy masked heroes flying around in pretty fabrics would be in awe. Call that a mask? THIS is a mask... OK, history reminds us that Ned’s armour wasn’t completely bulletproof, but all superheroes have a vulnerability. Remember kryptonite?

To hell with Superman. We want Swagman, Australia’s Creature From the Black Billabong, who can leap old shearing sheds in a single kangaroo-inspired bound – with his rallying cry of Waltzing Matilda! (Fugitive thought: where does Clark Kent change into his undies now that smartphones have made phone booths redundant?)

Making matters worse are all the Australian thespians who have rushed off to play US superheroes over the years, from Eric Bana to Chris Hemsworth and Hugh Jackman.

To correct this cultural cringe I hereby announce the first dozen denizens of my
down-under-fair-dinkum world of southern-hemispherical heroes. Forget Batman, lurking in his bat cave beneath Gotham City, waiting to be summoned by a bat signal projected via searchlight. Welcome to his antipodean alter-ego … the wonderful Wombat-Man!! Living in his secret burrow up the back paddock. (When you want him, just borrow a spotlight off a local rabbit hunter.) He’s not as bat-like as the womBAT name suggests, and he mightn’t be much chop at flying, but boy-oh-boy he’ll come down very heavily on any miscreant. The Joker will run a mile or, splat! be squashed flat. I’m warming to Wombat Man. He’s not as showy as some superheroes, but he could burrow beneath tall buildings.

And what about Bull-Ant Man to rival
Ant-Man? And a Wombat Woman for gender balance. (Which reminds me. Superheroes need super villains. Do let’s swap the Joker for our Laughing Kookaburra.)

But I mentioned the fascistic overtones of the superheroic earlier. So perhaps we should look at our right-wing pollies. Tony Abbott’s famous budgie smugglers provide a ready-to-wear cozzie. ScoMo’s name has a comic-book ring to it – and if you want evidence of his superhuman strength, just look at all those ministries he held simultaneously. To avoid accusations of political bias, I’m also thinking of Barnaby Man. Remember how Popeye the Sailor Man gained great strength by downing a can of spinach? I envisage Barnaby getting his by drinking a few tinnies. We could call him Beetroot Man.

BradMan? The Don’s an off-the-shelf idea. Kanga Man? Yabbie Man – our Aquaman? Send in your ideas, and don’t hold back. And who says we have to stay boringly binary?