Conversation is a two-way street. So why don’t men ask questions?

I came away from a recent dinner party thinking wow, not a single question from any male about my work, life, what I’ve been doing, who I am. What does this say about them?

In dating land there’s a huge dialogue among women about the men who do not ask questions. Picture: istock

A fresh topic of intrigue, among girlfriends enmeshed in the dating scene. Where are the questions from the men? Where is curiosity about us? It is a strange and discombobulating social dance and frankly, what is going on? On the female side of things there’s bewilderment as question after question is lobbed across to keep conversations going and silences smoothed, and in return … crickets. The slightly bigger, broader question in all this, which shears off into male reading habits, film consumption and streaming preferences: why are some men so utterly incurious about women’s lives?

This exact situation played out at a recent dinner party. Ten of us. All coupley and cosy in that dinner party way (which I usually shy away from as a stricken introvert), but this was a fascinating social experiment. All males around me, and to keep the flow I was constantly hitting balls to them in the form of questions. None were returning serve, not a single one. All lovely men, and all endlessly expounding on their work, health and interests without any curiosity in return – as if this was as expected from the pliant conversation assistant in their midst.

Right. Complete, utter indifference to the woman among them. Didn’t need the questions, happy not to talk, but I came away thinking, wow, not a single question about my work, life, what I’ve been doing, who I am. As if they already knew (believe me, they do not). So very interesting, in terms, mainly, of what it says about them. In dating land there’s a huge dialogue among women about the men who do not ask questions. Male daters, take note. “A conversation with a typical straight man is like playing tennis with someone who only serves at you,” British broadcaster Nihal Arthanayake declares in his book, Let’s Talk: How to Have Better Conversations.

British broadcaster Nihal Arthanayake’s book Let’s Talk: How to Have Better Conversations.

Is it about cementing a certain status? Have they been socialised to dominate a conversation? Do they expect the female to be silent, servile, accommodating? Is it just utter cluelessness? (I suspect so: many lovely men have absolutely no idea they’re doing this.) But we’re heading into monologue territory here, with an occasional nod and murmur of affirmation from the obligingly helpful female. And I suspect Covid hasn’t helped, with ways of being in the social sphere dramatically disrupted. Communication skills watered down. Gallantries forgotten.

US linguist Amanda Montell posits in her book Wordslut that men tend to compete in conversation, while women tend to collaborate. Dr Sandra L Faulkner, an American professor specialising in relationships and communication, speculates that in a capitalist, hyper-individualistic society, men approach dating as they would a job interview – as an opportunity to prove themselves rather than foster a genuine connection. “Women and men are socialised into different communication patterns … for instance, women are valued for being nice and agreeable, which often means not being assertive… Men, on the other hand, aretaught to be aggressive and to take the lead.”

US linguist Amanda Montell posits in her book Wordslut that men tend to compete in conversation, while women tend to collaborate.

But the flip side of all this is that magical, breath-of-fresh-air man who actually asks questions. Who has the courage to be honest. Vulnerable. Male daters take note: Women remember the man with the questions. The one who shows a genuine interest in another’s life. Because my single girlfriends all agree: the man of generosity, who asks the questions, is striking amid a sea of the incurious. A 2017 Harvard study concluded that people who ask more questions are better liked. The study’s gentle summation: “The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided.” An obvious point, surely, for any man wondering why they may be having no luck in the dating game.