Porn is to blame for the rise of this ghastly practice

I’m guessing that at no other time in the span of human sexuality has such a shocking act featured so heavily in the bedroom.

Health experts say there’s no safe way to strangle someone. To me it’s abuse, and abuse has no place in any sexual situation.

“Miss, how do you choke girls during sex?” It was a question recently asked by schoolboys, of their teachers, in Wales. And so it has come to this. Choking, normalised. Discussed in classrooms as something that males just do, are expected to do, aren’t they, Miss? Because of aggressive porn, at their fingertips, on their phones. Which they’re learning from, as part of their earliest sexual experiences.

What a mess. For both genders. And for the history of the sex life of our species. I’m guessing that at no other time in the span of human sexuality has strangulation featured quite so heavily in terms of what males think they should be doing to females. And this has happened just as women make enormous strides in feminist empowerment and equality, in so many arenas. Correlation, possibly? That as women gain power, as they increasingly question the patriarchal orthodoxy, men are finding fresh ways to punish them. Physically dominate. Put them in their place. And now we have the very dangerous act of strangulation presented to young men as natural and the way it is – and wanted. Isn’t it, Miss?

Dr Tamasine Preece is a teacher at Bryntirion Comprehensive in the Welsh town of Bridgend, and she explained to the BBC that some children now feel it’s a normal part of sex. She has been asked if “a soft squeeze on the neckis OK”. It isn’t. It doesn’t feel tender, or generous, or respectful – basic pillars of a mutually enjoyable sexual experience. Health experts say there’s no safe way to strangle someone. To me it’s abuse, and abuse has no place in any sexual situation. In any relationship. But for young men it can be so tragically confusing – they’re being indoctrinated into believing that this is what girls really, really want.

Added into the mix is the fact that many young women are inherently pleasers. Taught by the world around them to be pliant, submissive, kind, quiet; to pander to others’ needs, to do what others desire of them. It is indoctrination and it speaks to a lack of confidence, as well as courage in articulating what they really want. And don’t. The narrative about choking is becoming dangerously twisted and dishonest and it’s now, often, one of the early sexual practices that young men – eager to learn about sex – are seeing on their phones.

A former sexual partner of Andrew Tate has said he choked her until she passed out. Preece explains that the insidious messaging from the likes of Tate, and porn, is doing enormous damage.

A former sexual partner of Andrew Tate has said he choked her until she passed out. Picture: AFP

“I’ve certainly been told by some children that they think girls really want to be choked – with one saying girls are mad for it.” Johanna Robinson, Wales’s national adviser on violence against women and girls, says: “I’ve spoken to sexual health nurses who told me men in college were asking questions like, ‘How do I safely strangle my partner?’ One young person was quoted to me, asking ‘What do I do if I need to resuscitate my partner?’”

So, what should we be telling young women embarking on their sexual journeys? To have the courage to say no, stop, if something doesn’t feel right. If it’s abusive or hurts. Strangulation wasn’t part of the everyday sexual practices of previous generations. It’s new, and disturbing.

I’m all for giving younger women vibrators, so they can work out the power of their bodies themselves; what exactly works for them, and where. A mate’s just given her daughter, in her early twenties, what she dubs the “Mumbrator” – a vibrator to work out her erogenous zones for herself, so the younger woman can pass on that proficiency to her sexual partners. Because knowledge is power – especially when it comes to sex that’s mutually enjoyable, tender and generous.