Car review: Audi SQ7 TDI

Yes, the Audi SQ7 TDI is very smart, but who will want one?

Audi SQ7 TDI: what is it, exactly?

James May has decided he doesn’t like Audis. I recently drove him around in the new SQ7 and he chuntered away constantly like a speedboat on tickover. Obviously, I can’t be bothered to listen to his specific gripes but the thrust of his argument seems to be there’s too much design and not enough engineering.

As usual, he’s wrong. Because the SQ7 – the hot version of Audi’s biggest SUV, to be released in Australia next month – is a lumpen-looking thing that hasn’t been designed enough. But oh my God, there’s so much engineering in this 2.3-tonne, 5m-long road rocket; it’s like the spirits of Isambard Kingdom Brunel and Steve Jobs have come together to create a mind-boggling orgy of brute force and computer chips.

Let’s start with the engine. You’d expect, in a car that goes from 0 to 100km/h in less than five seconds, that it would be a monstrous V12 petrol unit. Yet annoyingly for the world’s ecomentalists, it’s a 4.0-litre V8 forced-induction diesel. I say “forced induction” rather than “turbocharged” because Audi has invented a new way of ramming air into the cylinders: a compressor that’s powered by electricity rather than exhaust gases. And it can go from rest to 70,000rpm in less than 250 milliseconds. Which means there’s no lag between you putting your foot down and the engine delivering its full potential.

And then there’s the engine itself, specifically the cam shafts, which are profiled so that they vary the amount of valve movement. This is advanced mechanics, but what it means, Audi says, is that you get torque when you want it and economy the rest of the time.

What you’ll notice in the SQ7 is that when you go round a corner it doesn’t roll much. This is a big car that sits on stilts, so you’d expect its door handles to scrape along the asphalt when you give it the beans, but they don’t. This is because of yet more engineering. An electric motor and a clever set of gears control an anti-roll system that props up the side of the car that should be leaning over. This is technology that was tried, and then banned, in Formula One.

I’d love to say it does all this without affecting the ride comfort, but that would be a lie; you do feel the bumps. Still, I admire the way the engineers have been allowed to experiment with the boundaries. They could have just painted some snazzy stripes down the side and fitted big tyres, but they’ve gone further, and I like that. The SQ7 even has mild four-wheel steering.

I could go on and on about other innovations – Audi has come up with a new way of combining lightness with strength in the construction, so you get better economy from a car that doesn’t fall to pieces when it hits a tree – but it’s probably time to move inside, where you get two rows of seats, plus a temporary row that rises electrically from the boot floor. You’ll never get your grandmother back there, but children will be fine.

Move further forward and you start to get to the bits that annoy James May. As we know, he’s a man who enjoys mending Bakelite telephones, so obviously he is going to be irritated by what he’d call unnecessary blue downlighting and what Audi calls “horizontal” design.

I have no idea what horizontal design is, but I do like the finished product. The Audi, slightly bumpy ride aside, is a nice place to be. For all its clever engineering solutions, it’s not like sitting in the cockpit of an experimental spaceship. It’s simple and straightforward, and you’re never left looking at a button, thinking: “What the hell does that do?” You press a button, engage a driving mode on the surprisingly old-fashioned torque converter automatic gearbox and drive about. It’s as demanding as taking a bath.

So the SQ7 is fast, strong, safe, clever, interesting, spacious, very well made… and, so far as I can see, completely pointless.

I’ve tried all week to imagine the sort of person who might want to buy one, and I can’t. I know people who like to drive fast cars, and they would enjoy the bassy and slightly rough sound of that big diesel V8. But nobody who’s looking for a fast car will want it to have seven seats.

Then there are people who do need the practicality of seven seats for the school run. Yes, the Audi’s anti-roll system will stop them being carsick, and that’s good, but who needs 663 torques and half a billion horsepowers for that job?

It’s the same story with the off-road abilities. Yes, the Audi can hoist itself up to give good ground clearance and it has four-wheel drive. But it sits on performance

tyres, so it’ll get stuck in mud. So it isn’t an off-road car at all, really.

This is the trouble. It’s not an off-roader. It’s not a sports car. It’s not a sumptuous long-distance luxury car and it certainly isn’t a looker. So who, exactly, will want it?

FAST FACTS

AUDI SQ7 TDI

ENGINE: 4.0-litre turbocharged V8 diesel (320kW/900Nm)

Average fuel: 7.4 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: Eight-speed automatic, all-wheel drive

PRICE: $160,000 (approx)

RATING: 3 stars