Bum note: Honda jazz 1.3

Honda drops the ball with the new Jazz.

Honda Jazz 1.3: It’s not a good-looking car.

Not that long ago we used to look forward to car ads on commercial television. Car ads were almost always better than the programs they funded. They were cleverer. They made you want a certain type of vehicle when you had been told almost nothing about it. But then, all of a sudden, everything changed.

I think the last truly great car commercial was Honda’s The Power of Dreams ad. Filmed in New Zealand, Argentina and Japan, it featured a magnificent-looking chap with a huge moustache and sideburns setting out from his beachside caravan on a Honda motorcycle, and then, while Andy Williams croons The Impossible Dream, he is seen singing along as he flies though the scenery in just about every important product Honda has made. Racing bikes, Formula One cars, speedboats, sports cars, touring bikes, quads – the lot. You’re left at the end thinking: “I have got to have one.”

It was updated several years later, with an extended ending in which we saw Mr Moustache at the controls of a Honda jet, and in the hydrogen fuel-cell car and then arriving at a house on the coast to find the Honda robot had got the hot tub ready. It was brilliant. But I can’t help wondering: if Honda updates it again, what will it feature to say that the dream goes on?

I once described Hondas as Alfa Romeos that start. This is a company that did reliable better than anyone, but it never did dull. Everything it made was a bit weird, a bit odd. A bit fabulous. The Jazz, however, is none of those things.

The one I drove was finished in what Honda calls Brilliant Sporty Blue and what everyone else calls “blue”. It came with a driver’s seat pocket, electric windows and a cigarette lighter socket but no lighter. Honda lists the highlights as fog lights and wheels. There is absolutely nothing to make you think: “Wow.”

Until you put your foot down, hard, in second gear. You’ll certainly say, “Wow,” at this point because nothing of any consequence happens. This is a small car with a 75kW 1.3-litre i-VTEC engine. It should be quite peppy, and yet somehow it is the opposite. You may imagine the engine is tuned this way so that it’s kind to your wallet and Johnny Polar Bear, but I’m afraid not. Compared with other engines of this size from rival manufacturers, it’s uneconomical and produces quite a lot of carbon dioxide.

One of the extraordinary things is that it doesn’t produce its peak torque until it’s turning at 5000rpm. So to get the best out of it, you have to rev the nuts off it at all times. I used to love Honda’s engines. They were always so sweet and willing. They were like small but very well-trained Jack Russells. But the engine in that Jazz? The only dog to which it can be likened is one that’s dead.

I’d like to tell you about the handling, but I can’t because the car won’t go quickly enough for any deficiencies to be uncovered. And if we’re honest, the average Jazz driver doesn’t care about understeer or lift-off oversteer; they’re happy so long as there’s somewhere to store their bingo pencils.

On that front, it’s not bad. There are four doors, which means Peggy and Maureen will be able to get into and out of the back easily. And there’s a boot that’s big enough for two tartan shopping trolleys. But then we get to the infotainment centre, which is good and clear and clever if you are nine. But completely baffling if you grew up with rationing.

There’s more, I’m afraid. It’s not a good-looking car. The wheels are 16-inchers but they look lost in the arches, and there are some swooping styling details that are unnecessary and odd. The only good things, really, are the quality of the materials in the cabin and the space in the back, which is much greater than you’d expect from a car of this type. If the other people in your bridge four are extremely fat, this might be enough to convince you the Jazz is a worthwhile buy, but if they aren’t, you’d be better off with a Ford Fiesta or a Volkswagen Polo or a Skoda Fabia. Or an Uber app.

I can’t believe I’m saying that. I can’t believe Honda has sunk this low. Six years ago it was making cars and television commercials that made you dizzy with desire. And now it’s making cars with engines that turn a lot of fuel into nothing at all.

Honda used to ask in its commercials: “Isn’t it nice when things just work?” To which the answer is: “Yes. It was.”

FAST FACTS HONDA JAZZ 1.3

ENGINE: 1.3-litre four-cylinder petrol (75kW/123Nm)

TRANSMISSION: Six-speed manual, front-wheel drive

AVERAGE FUEL: 5.1 litres per 100km

PRICE: from $14,990 (with 1.5-litre engine)

RATING: 2 stars