BMW M8 Competition Coupe review: Nowhere, fast

There’s a lot to dislike about the BMW M8. Now where do I begin...

BMW M8.

A round where I live in Mudfordshire, after the local police station closed response times became measurable in days. It didn’t take long for crims to notice, and all we ever talked about round these parts was who’d be burgled next. Recently, though, I’ve started to see a much bigger police presence. Twice I’ve seen a proper police car in the local village, and in the town the Five-O are patrolling in pairs. What’s more, because they are local police, they know what to stop and what to leave alone.

Over the Christmas break, someone I know was driving an unlicensed, uninsured, non-roadworthy vehicle with 16 children on board. And all she got from the fuzz was a friendly wave. They knew who she was and where she was going, and since no one was going to be stabbed as a result, they didn’t bother breaking out the stinger.

They certainly didn’t trouble me, either, as I went about my business, because I was driving the fastest, and one of the priciest, BMW production models ever made: the 460kW and – if you buy the M Driver’s Package – 305km/h M8 Competition. And I was driving it as fast as conditions would allow. Which was about 10km/h.

Even though it had four-wheel drive, I did not once push my right foot all the way to the firewall. The roads were smeared with a thin veneer of watery mud. Apply 460kW to a surface like that and you’re going to need a head wand for the next few years, that’s for sure.

So, what’s the point of this car then? Ah, well, there’s the thing. I don’t really know. The ride is brutal. Far too brutal. And so is the turn-in when you get to a corner. BMW has even fitted this car with strengthened engine mounts to make sure the big, heavy lump under the bonnet turns just as quickly as the rest of the vehicle. On a racing circuit, this would be tremendous, I’m sure, especially if you put the car in Track mode. But you’re not going to take a $350,000-plus coupe to a racetrack. Particularly as it weighs about two tonnes.

Weirdly, despite the bumpy ride and the sharpness, you can sense this weight as you move along. It feels as if you’re controlling a ballerina who’s turned up for work in her wellies. I didn’t much like the steering, either. I haven’t liked the steering in any BMW M car for some time now. I also didn’t like the drive-by-wire brakes. They felt artificial and I found myself not really knowing how hard to press the pedal.

Then there was the interior. And that didn’t blow my frock up much. I don’t mind that the back seats would only be suitable for Richard Hammond’s pet mouse – it’s a coupe, after all – but I did mind that the dash looks pretty much identical to the dash you get in a normal 3 Series. For not far off this kind of money, you could have a Bentley Continental GT, and sitting in that is like sitting in the jewellery box of one of Bernie Ecclestone’s daughters.

At this point, I usually try to turn things around with a nice jolly “but”. I can’t really, though, because the not-so-good news keeps coming. There’s something wrong with the styling. The back end is too heavy, and the wheels don’t seem to fill the arches. Maybe things will be better in the new four-door Gran Coupe version. But only if it can be used, by normal people, on the road.

The M8 Competition cannot. There’s too much power and too much weight. If you want a car that goes this quickly, you’d be better off with something designed for that kind of work. A Porsche 911, for example, or a McLaren GT, or an Aston Martin DB11. Not the DBS Superleggera, though, because that has the same problems as the Beemer.

If, on the other hand, you want a car that’s a nice place to sit, then you’re better off, as I said, with a Bentley Continental GT, which is no slouch either. I’m sad, really, because I’ve always liked BMW’s big coupes. But it seems to have taken its eye off the ball with the latest 8 Series. Not one of the versions I’ve tried so far, including – especially including – the diesel, makes any sense.

They need to get this car back to what it should be. Which is about $50,000 cheaper, three times prettier, three times less complicated, half a tonne lighter and much, much less powerful. As it is, it’s a clever answer to a question no one was asking.

BMW M8 Competition Coupe

Engine: 4.4-litre turbo-petrol V8 (460kW/750Nm)

Average fuel: 10.4 litres per 100km

Transmission: Eight-speed automatic, all-wheel drive

Price: $352,900

Rating:  ★★