BMW M550i xDrive: it goes like the clappers

Don’t be fooled, this quiet, unassuming BMW saloon goes like the clappers.

BMW M550i. Picture: supplied

If you are going to get coronavirus, lockdown would be a great time. Because you can just sit in your bedroom eating cheese and drinking wine, knowing that even if you could get up there’s nowhere to go and nothing to do. Stupidly I caught the bloody thing on December 22, which meant I missed Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and the game shoot I host every year for my neighbours. And, to make matters worse, I was also unable to drive my new Bentley.

I’d spent many hours with a very keen Bentley salesman, who had plainly learnt his customer-relations skills from British Airways’ cabin staff, choosing what sort of leather and wood I’d like. “Any American walnut for yourself at all, sir?” When my Flying Spur V8 arrived I was very happy and leapt about in the yard, clutching my tinkle and making satisfied “ohhh” noises as I pushed and pulled the deeply chromed organ-stop vent knobs. My grandfather always had Bentleys and I think he’d be pleased to know I’ve gone down the same road.

But I couldn’t go down the road. I couldn’t even go down the stairs. All I could do was sit by the bedroom window, looking at the Bentley’s big shiny disc brakes becoming rusty and brown. It worried me that it would feel sad, having been delivered to its new home, only to find its new owner obviously wasn’t interested.

When I was finally allowed out, I was desperate to go somewhere – but, unfortunately, my timing was off again, because the third great British lockdown had begun. I was allowed to go to the village shop for newspapers and milk, but it felt wrong somehow to use a Bentley for such a trivial job. So I decided to use the car I’d been sent to test over Christmas – a dark blue BMW 5-series of some kind. Yes, I noticed that it had an M badge, but that doesn’t mean anything any more, because BMW puts M badges on every damn thing these days. Sure enough, when I pushed the starter button the engine burst into life with all the excitement and pizzazz of a parliament committee meeting on road safety initiatives. And then I dribbled down the drive thanking God for the heated steering wheel. And nothing else.

When I came out of the shop I noticed that on the boot lid it said M550i, but again that doesn’t mean a lot these days. There was a time when the first number told you what sort of BMW it was and the last two how big the engine was: a 325, for example, was a 3-series with a 2.5-litre engine. But now BMW plucks the last two numbers out of a bag. At the bottom of my drive I had a “told you so” stab on the throttle. And, oh my God, did I get a surprise. Because this quiet, unassuming, four-door saloon took off as if it had been hit up the backside by Thor’s hammer. You thought the last M5 was quick? This thing gives it a run for its money. Further investigations revealed a 4.4-litre turbocharged V8 under the bonnet that produces almost no noise at all, and 390kW, which is sent through an eight-speed gearbox to all four corners.

That’s why it had set off so quickly. Because it’s immensely powerful and has four-wheel drive. Over the next few days the weather was beastly, which meant that the Bentley continued to sit outside my house and I went everywhere in that astonishing BMW.

I hunted around for things to dislike, but there was nothing. I’ve not enjoyed the steering feel in high-performance BMWs of late, but this was quick when you wanted it to be and soft when you didn’t. Ditto with the ride and the handling; it was darty and agile on country roads and felt like a Harley-Davidson Fat Boy on the motorway.

The seats were perfect, the driving position was perfect, there’s loads of room in the back and in the boot, and it’s all wrapped up in a body that’s completely devoid of showiness. Audi and Mercedes do cars similar to this, but they make Tarzan noises and have Dynasty shoulder pad wheelarch extensions. The Beemer makes no attempt at all even to hint at the power it can deploy. I really liked that.

There are lots of new 5-series models, but the stand-out star is this faultless and fabulous M550i. That said, I was very happy to see the back of it. Because, finally, I could take my new Bentley for a drive. We went to the post office yesterday. Today I shall take it to Burford to drop off some jam. These are exciting times.

BMW M550i xDrive

ENGINE: 4.4-litre twin-turbo V8 (390kW / 750Nm). Average fuel 10.7 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: Eight-speed all-wheel drive

PRICE: $152,900

RATING: ★★★★★