An open letter to the finest leader in the universe
That Chinese upstart Xi Jinping might seek to challenge you for the title of President of the Universe, but he doesn’t yet have the economic dominance, let alone the number of ballistic missiles.
Dear most revered and omnipotent POTUS. Please forgive this humble scribe for addressing you with such inadequate initials when you are not merely President of the United States but POTG – yes, President of the Globe. Or POTW, President of the World.
Indeed, let us remove the ‘S’ from POTUS, and voilà! You become President of the Universe. Hail thee, mighty POTU.
That Chinese upstart Xi Jinping might seek to challenge you for the title of POTU, but he doesn’t yet have the economic dominance, let alone the number of ICBMs. And perhaps I’m being paranoid, but that X in Xi’s name hints at the traitorous Musk. (Speaking of Elon, I congratulate you on deporting him back to South Africa. But why stop there, when his beloved Mars beckons? To keep an eye on him you could dispatch some Marines and the National Guard, renamed the International Guard, for the mission. Until accomplished. Which you could announce in front of some mighty phallic cannon on an aircraft carrier. I’m sure George W Bush still has some T-shirts to match your MAGA caps.)
As POTU, you have already made America great again by grabbing both the Panama Canal and Greenland, and by annexing Canada as the 51st state. But the latter may be a waste of money: we in Australia have proudly filled that role for generations, and have paid the US for the privilege through our obedient (indeed obsequious) involvement in your ceaseless wars. Also through our kind donations of invaluable Pine Gap real estate, and by accommodating US ships, planes and troops, and by sending you all our defence money via AUKUS. (Though I know you regard the subs deal as dodgy). We have also shown our fearful fealty by renaming the Great Australian Bight the Gulf of America. Or might Your Holiness prefer the Great Trump Bight?
Best of all, we’ve shown our servility by having your giant head sculpted Rushmore-style into the side of Uluru. Which is already the exact right colour to match your attractive orange, thus sending a message from the heart.
Congratulations again, Oh Infallible One, for your brilliance in relocating the Vatican to the US, particularly and most appropriately at Mar-a-Lago, where Pope Leo can enjoy your legendary hospitality, and where the best-ever US President and the first US-born Pope can have deep and learned theological discussions. Principally comparing your Second Term to the Second Coming.
(Breaking news: in return for an easing of tariffs, a politically prostrate Australia will rebrand our Federal Parliament building TrumpTowers Down Under – and repaint it a glittering, gaudy gold. Or even gild it with gold leaf. Or if you prefer, Oh Great and Most Tasteful Genius, a respectful Trumpian apricot.)
I know you are above and beyond the gravitational pull of Earthly rewards, and that you are devoid of ego and totally immune to sycophants and flatterers. So let me end this grovelling communication with the promise that our PM will oust that Rudd fellow as Ambassador to Washington and replace him with your old golf buddy Joe Hockey.
Yours with total sincerity, Trump devotee PA. PS, Gina and Scott send their best.
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