The new Lindsay Lohan movie is bad... so what?

No thoughts just Falling for Christmas.

No thoughts just Falling for Christmas.

It’s been dubbed the “Citizen Kane of Christmas Movies” and “The Lohan-aissance.” 

It’s Falling for Christmas, Netflix’s new Hallmark romp and the first major Lindsay Lohan production in a decade.

Lohan is back on our screens as Sierra Belmont, the wealthy but existentially-plagued heiress of Beauregarde (yes) Belmont. 

In between barking orders at subservient staffers and stylists (Ali Lohan cameo alert!) and being spoon-fed caviar, Sierra is plotting her way out of a bind: she’s been offered a job by her father as the “Vice-President of Atmosphere” at his luxury ski chalet and she doesn’t want it. 

Sierra’s real qualm is not an opposition to topping the vibes hierarchy, rather, she is desperate to change the world's perception that she is just the “spoiled daughter of Beauregarde Belmont, the hotel magnate.”

Ah, but there’s a pickle! Sierra hasn’t the faintest idea of what she wants to do with her life. 

Lindsay Lohan as Sierra in Falling For Christmas.

In a flash of genius, her boyfriend and soon-to-be-fiancé Tad (yes) suggests she becomes an influencer. See Tad is also an influencer, who, whilst reclining on the backseat of a stretch hummer, altruistically offers to help kick-start Sierra’s career by hard-launching their relationship on social media with an “us-ies” (a portmanteau of “us” and “selfies”).

What follows is approximately three minutes dedicated to introducing the other key characters and dilemmas of this holly jolly fable. There’s Jake Russell (Chord Overstreet) (Trouty Mouth from Glee), the good-natured owner of a small, twee resort. Jake is struggling to keep his snuggly-buggly B&B open because Beauregarde Belmont, the hotel magnate, has opened up his luxury dwelling on the same mountain — class crisis!!! There’s a brief and calm confrontation between the pair.

Also, Sierra and Jake meet for the first time. He bumps into her and spills his hot cocoa all over her red Valenyagi jumpsuit. Not the Valenyagi!

Aliana Lohan as Bianca, Lindsay Lohan as Sierra... in the Valenyagi.

Cut to Sierra and Tad’s ill-fated ski-trip proposal. The pair are in an alpine no man's land that Tad found by saving a geotag from one of “the top off-trail skiers in the country.” He proposes with a gigantic rock the colour of Yellowglen sparkling wine. They’re taking an engagement selfie. Now they’re falling down the mountain. 

The two are separated. Tad finds refuge with an ice fisherman, and Sierra hits a tree and develops amnesia, her collapsed body left for the wolves to feast on. Kidding. She is rescued by Jake Russell, who doesn’t recognise her despite soiling her Valenyagi mere hours ago. Jake offers to take in Sierra at his resort whilst she regains her memories.

From there, it’s full-steam ahead rom-com baby. We learn that Jake is a widow (it’s a Christmas movie so divorce = sacrilege), who lives with his sweet, gifted daughter and his late wife’s mother. Together they teach Sierra about love, family values, and how to make a bed.

Chord Overstreet as Jake Russell, Lindsay Lohan as Sierra Belmont in Falling For Christmas.

I’m not going to run you through the rest of the plot’s minutiae, mainly because it’s beyond grasp. I recommend watching this movie through the lens of surrealism and recontextualising the gaping plot holes (there are a lot of them) as a kind of disconnected, Lynchian, dreamlike experiment. 

Ultimately the plot doesn’t matter. The merits of the film don’t matter. You’re going to be looking at your phone most of the time anyway, so let’s enjoy it for what it is: the welcome return of Lindsay Lohan. 

Decades of tabloid brouhaha have distracted us from just what a talented performer Lohan is. No, Falling for Christmas, is not a challenging role, but those glints of fine comic touch and steely seriousness that Lohan brought to her early roles shine through — it’s uncanny to see someone's teen quirks on an adult face.

Hopefully Falling for Christmas is the first, clumsy step of a true “Lohan-aissance” (she’s set to star in two more Netflix-produced romcoms). Maybe the future will bring this gifted actress meatier roles. In the meantime, enjoy the blooper reel, and Lohan’s cover of ‘Jingle Bell Rock.’