Mini 1499 GT review: It’s woeful

This car is so uncomfortable, you are better off walking. It’s hard to think of the right word; “horrible” is close enough.

Mini 1499 GT.

When the Mini 1499 GT arrived with its snazzy stripes, big wheels and Union Jack door mirrors, I was very excited. I knew nothing about what BMW had done to create this tremendous-looking car; only that it was tickling the small boy who still lives in my creaking outer shell of fat and hopelessness.

Plainly, this car had been designed to hark back to the old Mini 1275 GT, which was not well received by the pipe-smoking motoring helmsmen of the time. They didn’t like the single carburettor, whereas back then I didn’t know what a single carburettor was. I just liked the way it looked. And I’d always liked Minis because of how well they handled the sewers of Turin in The Italian Job.

Apart from the idiotic Countryman, I’ve always liked the “new” Mini as well. I know it’s not very small – it has a longer wheelbase than the old Land Rover Discovery – and I know that some of the styling is a bit knowing. But, my God, it’s a lovely thing to drive and to sit in. It doesn’t matter whether you go for the basic model or the full nutter bastard: it is joyful on country roads, economical, fun to use and practical. The only drawback is the cruising speed. All cars have a speed at which the components settle into a harmonious rhythm. In a Porsche 911 it’s about 80km/h; in a Mini it’s about 175km/h.

I was ready to pay attention to the 1499 GT because it hits all the sweet spots: big, deep, rally-style front seats, stiffened suspension, a John Cooper shirt-button steering wheel. Then I got to the juicy bit: the engine. It’s the same one you get in the base-level Mini One, a three-cylinder 1.5-litre turbo. This gives 75kW – roughly what you get from a blender – and an unknowable top speed, because nobody has enough time to sit there while this big car with its tiny engine struggles to get there. Zero to 100km/h takes more than 10 seconds, which is tremendously fast if you are living in 1928 but a bit ho-hum today. Here we have a car with rally seats and grippy Dunlop SportMaxx RT2 tyres and go-faster stripes, but will be economical to run and cheap to insure even if you are 17 and have a bad temper. However, there is a problem. This is a car that does not work at all. It’s hard to think of the right word; “horrible” is close enough.

The first problem, of many, is the stiffened suspension, which enables the car to go round corners at the sort of speed its soggy engine can only dream about. On the downside the bumpiness beggars belief. It’s so uncomfortable around town that you’d be better off walking. And then there’s the way it doesn’t really move off properly. Unless you give it a bootful of revs, it pulls out of side turnings like a twig stuck in an oxbow lake. Some of this is down to ridiculously tall gearing, which creates another problem on the motorway: making it go up a hill. Unless you’re prepared to stir the gear lever as though you’re making scrambled eggs, you’ll be confined to the loser lane. Even here you’ll be a nuisance to lorries. I don’t mind an underpowered car if it feels fizzy and alive and if it responds to some spirited driving, but the Mini just won’t. It feels slovenly.

I should mention the sat nav, because obviously it will be fitted as standard. Except it isn’t. What you get instead is a clip in which to store your phone. I know all young people use their phones to get about and mate and so on. But I prefer a proper sat nav, because if I use my phone, everyone thinks I work for Uber and people get in the back when I’m waiting at a red light.

There’s more, I’m afraid. The big front seats. Yes, they’re nice to sit in, but they rob nearly all the legroom in the back. And if someone back there needs to be sick – and this is a car aimed at young people who go to festivals, so it is likely – there is no way he or she will be able to get out before the pavement pizza arrives.

Apparently, the 1499 GT is a limited-run special edition. This is probably because Mini knew it wouldn’t be a big seller. I shouldn’t worry; there are many alternatives to this woeful car. There is the standard Mini One, which doesn’t pretend to be something it isn’t, won’t shake your hair out and doesn’t have silly seats. Then there’s the Volkswagen Up! GTI. It’s not as practical as the Mini, but way cheaper. And finally, the Citroën C3 Aircross. This is a car that’s much, much better than you might imagine. Sweet, too. In short, there are many options if you want a small, sporty-looking car. The Mini 1499 GT, however, isn’t one of them.

Fast facts Mini 1499 GT.

Engine: 1.5-litre turbocharged three-cylinder petrol (75kW/190Nm)

Average fuel 4.9 litres per 100km

Transmission: Six-speed manual, front-wheel drive

Price £16,990 (1499 GT n/a in Australia; three-door hatchback with three-cylinder engine available from $28,000)

Rating: 2 out of 5 stars