Hyundai i30 N

Hyundai’s debut hot hatch has come out of nowhere, and is immediately a force to be reckoned with.

Charles Babbage, the father of the computer, talked once about the unerring certainty of machinery. But in modern times we’ve got it into our heads that circuit boards and ones and noughts can do the job better. They can’t. And that brings me to the Hyundai i30 N, which has two speedometers. I don’t know why. One is analogue and one is digital. And at no time could they agree on how fast I was going – there was always a 5km/h difference. If they’d both been connected to the wheels with an actual cable, rather than some nerd’s wet dream, this wouldn’t have happened.

There’s another issue I have with this new hot hatch. Its name: i30 N. There are certain letters that work well on the boot lid of a car. G, T, V, R, I and S are fine; B, D, U, J and L are not. But the worst of them all is N. I know Hyundai will say it used an N because the car was developed at the Nürburgring circuit but we don’t need reminding. We can tell.

Hyundai – a South Korean multinational that has never made a hot hatchback before – appears to have bought a book called How to Copy a Golf GTI and stuck rigidly to the recipe. It has taken its ordinary five-door hatchback, lowered it, given it a 2-litre turbo engine and added some red styling details. Hey presto, one hot hatch… that no one wants because they’d rather have a VW Golf, thanks very much, or a Renault, or a Ford.

There’s more, I’m afraid, because Hyundai has got everything it needs to make this car – brakes, suspension and so on – from Korean firms no one has heard of. And that’s like having a Korean shotgun or watch.

The only way you’d be tempted is by a low price. And on the face of it, you don’t even get that. However, if you look carefully, you will notice it includes all sorts of things that are options with a Golf GTI. Furthermore, this car was developed by one of the people responsible for all of BMW’s M models in recent years – and that shows, because this car, despite its on-paper problems, is utterly delightful. On an ordinary road, it’s beautifully understated. It’s quiet and comfortable and there are many toys to keep you amused. My favourite was the button that makes the exhaust go all noisy. Because then you do get people looking. And what they’re thinking is: “Why is that ordinary looking car making such a rumbly sound? And why does it bark every time it changes gear?”

It’s like looking at a Secret Service agent. He’s wearing a nice suit and has a neat haircut and he could be a Wall Street functionary. Except, if you look, you can see the earpiece over which his controller is talking about shooty stuff.

The i30 N is very good at shooty stuff. It has an electronic system that allows you to choose from a whopping 1944 setups, allowing the driver to tailor each aspect to his or her personal preference, and it doesn’t matter what you do, this is a car that just works.

Maybe, if I were to pick nits, I’d say a hot Renault is a bit more feelsome and a Golf GTI with a front diff is a bit more sticky in an uphill, first-gear bend but as an overall package, the i30 N is a sweetheart. Even in Nutter Bastard mode, it isn’t bumpy or unpleasant. I especially like the rev match function; as you change down, it revs the engine so the gear-change is smooth.

As I see it, there are only a couple of reasons you would not consider the N if you wanted a five-door, family hatchback with a folding seat at the back and plenty of ponies at the front. First, you’d have to tell people that you’d bought a Hyundai, which, despite its successes in rallying, is a bit like saying your bladder has broken.

And then there’s the problem of Kim Jong-un, whose wobbly rockets might affect your warranty one day. If you think all is well on that front, because Donald Trump would be on hand with a calm, measured response, then the i30 N makes sense. It has come out of nowhere, this car, and is immediately a force to be reckoned with.

HYUNDAI i30 N

ENGINE: 2.0-litre four-cylinder turbo petrol (184kW/353Nm); average fuel 7 litres per 100km TRANSMISSION: Six-speed manual, front-wheel drive PRICE: About $40,000 (available from March)