When being of good cheer means shifting through the gears

Here’s hoping Santa can fit a Ferrari down the chimney.

Yes readers, it’s the Ledet, Bronya, Junkanoo, Boro Din, Natal, Bozi, Diwali, Yule, Chrismukkah, Kwanzaa and Bodhi Day bumper edition.

Because we in the place where the heartbeat of nature pulses through red deserts, lush rainforests and boundless blue horizons, where thongs are the equivalent of John Lobb black oxford calf shoes (only 500 pairs produced, each numbered and only $3110 plus freight – mention the Weekend Australian for your free shoe tree developed to fit the shape of the shoe perfectly) and where asking for a slab means you’re ready for a party, not construction work (readers don’t forget Tim Cooper’s special for our 20 readers only $99 – the Coopers DIY Beer Brew Kit with everything you need to make 23 litres which should get you and your partner through the 2024 India vs. Australia Boxing Day Test).

Even though he is a serious metal head, the Sultan of Brunei, Hassanal Bolkiah Muiz’zaddin Wad’daulah, or Handsy as his mates call him, has banned Xmas. (Good luck with Hanukkah or even Chrismukkah.)

No Christmas trees, singing carols, nativity plays, festive greetings, and even dressing up as Santa Claus (tough luck Mick). Anyone caught will face up to five years in Maraburong Prison. Anyway, you can visit Handsy’s $9bn metal collection on Xmas day with the kiddies.

The second-most famous Sultan (after the Sultan of Kensi, Official nude portrait painter to the royal family, except two) of SDL has focused on working persons’ cars that one could buy at any dealer along the equivalent of Paramatta Road in your city. Bentleys, Rollers (Handsy holds the Guinness World Record for the largest private Roller collection, with more than 500 Rolls-Royces), Bugattis, Feezers, McLarens and Holdens.

You think I’m making this up, don’t you?

Nup. Handsy has a Durif Red 1990 HSV VN SS Group A Commodore and is believed to have at least four HSV Holdens. Through diplomatic connections, his aide rang Mick in the corner bar at the Kensi yesterday.

Now before we go on with our exclusive international story, to avoid disappointment can I just break the bad news: the Kensi’s three-course Xmas Day lunch is sold out! But just mention the Sultan (Mick) to get in for the Christmas Break Up celebrations in the Corner Bar. Look how long since you’ve seen $7 pints and $15 cocktails? One friend and 20-odd readers, offers like this don’t come round very often. Well maybe once a year.

Of course Handsy was trying to get Mick to sneak in an offer on the world’s best black Holden SS Ute.

In better news, in Belarus, some parts of Russia, Ukraine and the people have Ded Moroz who travels in a magical V8-powered Sanki with his young blonde assistant, Snegurochka, delivering gifts to kiddies. The Ded story has his roots in Slavic mythology. We just report, you decide on what to make of this.

Talking of billionaires’ car collections: Why did Bernie Ecclestone put his $600m F1 car stockpile up for sale? Hmmm, could it be because he agreed to a settlement with Britain’s Fiscal Fiend to pay around $1bn after he pleaded guilty to tax fraud at Southwark Crown Court in London.

Our first Xmas gift suggestion is the 2009 XC70 Volvo V8 built by Chris Delano, president of Volvo parts supplier IPD. Some months ago, after a few Coopers DIYs, Chris said to himself, why not stuff a 4.4-litre naturally aspirated V8 as used in the Noble M600 Supercar and Australian V8 Supercars from 2014 to 2016 into the Volvo. When Eric Li Shufu’s Geely Motors bought Volvo they immediately killed the V8 engine and said let’s go electric. Then in September this year they said hold on, journalists are killing the EV market and scrapped its target of going all electric by 2030.

Australia’s Polestar CEO, Scott Maynard, said: “There’s no doubt in my mind that selective reporting is having an impact on consumer confidence and the speed of take-up of electric vehicles.”

Geely made refrigerator parts before getting into making motorbikes for temporary Chinese people, then moving into making proper cars like Volvo, Polestar and Lotus and owning 17 per cent of Aston Martin, Mercedes and Renault.

Next in Santa’s sack is from Bruce Canapa’s Santa Cruz showroom. Bruce restores, sells and races the world’s best eye candy. This is one of three 1991 Isdera Imperator 108i. The Isdera Imperator is better than sex and uses less calories. Eberhard Schultz is a former Merc designer who was too out there for the Stugartians.

He also spent time at Porsche, AMG, Pirelli, Recaro and Sauber. He went belly up after nine years of building Imperators. Inside is a Merc 32 valve 5.0 V8 making the outside go at close to 300km/h, which is fast, with a periscope instead of rear-view mirrors. About $1.5 mill should seal the deal.

Then there’s Tony Quinn’s book Zero to 60 and Beyond. Quinny owned and owns companies like VIP Petfoods and Darrell Lea. As he says: “I grew up in a wooden caravan in Aberdeen in Scotland. We weren’t what you’d call impoverished but we were poor for a long time. I didn’t win the lottery, my parents never gave me a handout and I never got an inheritance. Up until my late teens I dreamed of racing cars for a living but when I realised I wasn’t as fast as I thought I was, I gave up motorsport and focused on business instead.” Not a Harvard Business Review book but a great insight into a top entrepreneur and rally and race driver.

And don’t forget to give the gift of nothing. Yup a sub to our usually weekly newsletter which is free, comes with a moneyback guarantee and meets all ESG standards. Just email me and make the worst decision of your life.

Be a sponsor for Xmas: Young Josh Haynes became the 2024 TA2 Muscle Car champion in his Herzog Steel Ford Mustang. Josh will be in the Trans Am next year but looks a certainty for Supercars or Trans Am in the USA. Best of all he is a plumber from Canberra which means he has plenty of time for racing because the work is falling off for tradies in our taxpayer-funded Disneyland.

The TA2 race car is today’s version of modern V8-powered, rear-wheel-drive, high-horsepower, big-sounding muscle cars that drivers and fans love, in tribute to the golden touring car era of the ’60s and ’70s when there was no aero, no parity arguments, no budget blowouts, just no-nonsense racing. It’s Australia’s fastest growing motorsport category.

Next week we’ll be here with all the usual confusing content including back to all the naughty but not nice car companies who have been treating readers like, well the auto industry does. I’ve been writing this column for about 15 years but what happened to Helen Chaberka at Dan Kawai’s Autoleague-owned Berwick Jeep takes the shonky award for 2024 and maybe the late 21st century. We’ll keep going for Helen for as long as it takes.

Have a happy whatever you have and thank you for putting up with me on your Saturday.

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