Wheezy does it: the Royal Enfield Himalayan 450 lacks a bit of puff

This Indian adventure bike is cheap, rugged - and woefully underpowered. I got hosed off the lights by a chuckling cyclist at one point.

The problem with the Royal Enfield Himalayan 450 I’ve been riding, however, is that it’s not fast.”

Recently my beleaguered, sorry, beloved wife has been complaining, among other things, that she has become invisible since turning 40. While I do listen patiently, because I like my teeth where they are, I know this can’t be true, firstly because she only looks 25, but mostly because I know she possesses, and wields, a scowl that can burn retinas.

While I am cursed with the particular male affliction that sees some of us become only more potently handsome as we age, I am painfully aware of what it feels like to actually be invisible, because it happens every time I get on a motorcycle. Sadly, even riding around on one that’s so large and pointy that it’s called the Himalayan doesn’t make a difference. I’ve just returned from a quick jaunt to the shops where the only thing more infuriating than the ute that reversed up a main street towards me, the large truck that merged into a lane I was in and the accursed Camry that pulled out of a driveway in front of me, was discovering that birthday cards now cost $7 (and they contain jokes even worse than this column).

The Royal Enfield is built for very particular conditions.

The whole motorcycling caper has always been a case of balancing the risk/reward ratio, and I’ve long been willing to kid myself that the risks – burning off your skin by sliding on asphalt, breaking bones, maiming, death – are worth the little things, like the sensation of speed, being able to blast off the lights faster than everyone else, the thrills of cornering by pushing your body close to said asphalt, and the ease of parking.

The problem with the Royal Enfield Himalayan 450 I’ve been riding, however, is that it’s not fast – I got hosed off the lights by a chuckling cyclist at one point – and nor is it designed for cranking over into corners. It’s easier to park than a car, sure, but it’s also so lacking in torque that you have to constantly shunt through the gears to make sure you can get up hills, and if you are caught in too low a gear it makes a noise that sounds like one of your spanners has come alive in your toolbox and is thrashing to get out.

The Royal Enfield Himalayan can be all yours for less than $9000.

Oh yes, I forgot, motorcycles also generally reward you by sounding sexy. This one does not.

There are some bikes that are not fast or sporty to ride, but do reward you in other tangible ways, like making you look cool. They are called Harley-Davidsons. But parking this Himalayan next to one of those would be like standing a giraffe next to a lion.

The brand “Royal Enfield” sounds like something that daring pilots would have smoked during the Battle of Britain. It does, in fact, trace its roots to Britain, and to war, because it was a weapons manufacturer at one point, before selling bikes with the motto “Made like a gun.” Marketing really has come a long way, because outside of the US I can’t see the idea of sitting on a gun as a selling point.

Royal Enfield motorcycles became hugely popular in India in the 1950s, so much so that they started being built there, and still are today. These bikes sell like Virat Kohli shirts in their home market and, in the case of the Himalayan, they are engineered for very particular conditions, to “carry adventurers to places near and far, high and low”. I’m also informed that the Himalayan – which has crash bars to protect it, because the brutal off-road conditions it’s built for mean it’s going to fall over a lot – does not do fast because its purpose is “to be a loyal mule to its rider”.

This particular Royal Enfield also offers “legendary reliability”, which means that if I was the sort of person who likes riding through mud and over boulders, and I had taken it to the Blue Mountains and hit the firetrails, I would have made it back in one piece. At least mechanically speaking.

“It is actually an SUV on two wheels.”

Clearly, then, what I’ve somehow been tricked into riding (and when I say tricked, I mean “neglected to Google what it was when someone from Royal Enfield offered to deliver one to my house”) is actually an SUV on two wheels. No wonder we didn’t get on.

Apparently this is the very latest and greatest version of the legendary Himalayan, fitted with a new engine known as the Sherpa 450 offering max power of 29.4kW (yes, when you’ve got that little, you mention the decimals), up from 18kW on the old one. I’m pretty sure I own a torch that has more than 18kW.

While I found the Himalayan’s torque had it wheezing up foothills, it apparently peaks at 40Nm, which is 68 per cent more than the outgoing bike. I am truly grateful I never rode that one. Looking through the spec sheet and shaking my head ruefully, I did come across some surprisingly good news, because this Royal Enfield can be yours from as little as $8,990, as long as you’re willing to have it in something called “Kaza Brown”. I’d go for Slate Poppy Blue at $9250, personally, because it might make you easier to spot. But it probably won’t.

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Royal Enfield Himalayan 450

Engine: Liquid-cooled single cylinder, 452cc (29.4kW/420Nm)

Fuel economy: 3 litres per 100km

Transmission: Six-speed manual

Price: $8,990

Rating: 2.5/5