The Audi RS 3 Sportback review: let’s play

The Audi RS 3 Sportback reminds me of the old rally classic, the Quattro. Fittingly, I hit 160km/h on my muddy driveway in it.

A bit tasty: the Audi RS 3 Sportback

They’ve fitted my new house with a central heating system that’s controlled by an iPad. So, without leaving the kitchen table, I can choose precisely what temperature I want in every room and at what time I want each of the rooms to be colder, or warmer, and by how much.

I think I’m right in saying that it’s by far the most annoying thing I’ve encountered in my entire life. It’s so frustrating and complicated that I’m tempted to turn the whole system off and control the temperature using jumpers and coal instead. And all because someone aged 12 looked at a simple, old-fashioned thermostat knob and thought, “You know what? The customer needs more choice.” No. The customer does not need more choice. He needs an engineer to design a system that works, and then sell it.

In cars this obsession with giving us choice is now completely out of control. Take the Audi RS 3. You can choose what top speed you’d like and what noises you want it to make and whether you want it to go round corners properly, or sideways. Interestingly, however, you can’t have one side of the car drifting and making a racket and the other half being like a care home. It’s coming, though, you can be sure of that. And I don’t want it.

When I buy a car, I like to think it’s all been tuned and set up by engineers who know what they’re doing. I don’t need or want a car with a smorgasbord of options. That’s why I simply didn’t bother altering any of the systems in the RS 3. I just got in and set off and I’m glad because behind the nonsense this is a very good car.

The Audi RS 3 Sportback

What’s more, after a day or two I made it even better because at this time of year my farmyard is filthy, and so is the driveway and so are all the roads round these parts. All of which meant that in just 24 hours the Audi was caked in mud and crikey, it looked good, especially when I took it to London. People stared. You never see muddy cars in the capital. It was like I’d arrived there from a stage on the RAC Rally.

Which I sort of had because this car did remind me of the old 20-valve Quattro. Like the Daddy, it has four-wheel drive and a turbocharged five-cylinder engine, only this time with 2.5 litres and 294kW. That’s nearly twice as powerful as the old car. It’s really quick as a result.

But that’s not the best thing. The best thing is the way it manages to feel planted and secure and in charge of the situation, yet light and dainty at the same time. It’s part tank, part water boatman. Lord Carrington on waterskis. Couple all this to a suspension system which, in normal mode, is compliant even at low speeds on urban roads, and you have a car that inspires confidence. It flatters you. It flattered me so much that at one point on my farm driveway, which is narrow and twisty, the speedo flicked past 160km/h.

In the olden days people used to go for a drive for fun. I’m not sure this sort of thing happens any more, but this is a car that causes the idea to enter your mind. Certainly, I kept thinking of things that I needed to get from town.

Inside? Well, the boot’s smaller than it used to be because the equipment needed to let a driver go round corners sideways takes up a chunk of space. So that’s annoying. But the dash is better. As is the way these days, it’s all glass, so it looks very smart even though it’s impossible to use if you’re more than 12. The temperature, though. That’s controlled by buttons, which meant Lisa could spend every journey jamming them all the way up or all the way down, so that she looked either like Farrah Fawcett in that ’70s poster, or the Terminator after it had lowered itself into that vat of molten steel.

For once, I didn’t really care because I was enjoying myself too much. It’s strange. These days we never really think of Audis as serious playthings. Mercedes and BMW have that part of the market all sewn up, but sometimes Audi comes along with an option that beats the other Germans into a cocked hat. This is what’s happened here. It’s a bloody good car.

AUDI RS 3 SPORTBACK

ENGINE: 2.5-litre five-cylinder petrol turbo (294kW/500Nm). Average fuel

8.3 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: 7-speed dual-clutch

automatic AWD

PRICE: $92,200 (available later this year)

STARS: ★★★★