Jeremy Clarkson’s Land Rover Defender review: a dirty weekend

In keeping with tradition: the new Defender.

In recent months I’ve been writing sometimes about farming and sometimes about cars. And now it’s both at the same time, because today I’m writing about the new Land Rover Defender.

It has been designed by the company’s chief stylist, Gerry McGovern, to look like the old Defender; he understands, you see, that the British don’t like different. The last Defender was launched just after World War II, then not really altered for 67 years. When the company did pull the plug, lots of Brexit-type people rushed about saying they would put it back into production themselves, so that proper British men – men, d’you hear – could continue to drive a car that smelt of damp dogs and was full of sharp edges.

I was never a fan of the old Defender, and was determined to dislike the new one as well. Initially this was a struggle, because it does look good. I had the short-wheelbase Defender 90 model and there was definitely a Tonka-toyish charm allied to a hint of meat. The meat’s real, too. This is a car that can wade through water nearly a metre deep and is fitted with electrics so robust they can be submerged for an hour and still work. It is not, then, just a Range Rover with right angles. It’s been beefed up everywhere to cope with everything.

And that was good news, because the day after it was delivered to my farm, men came with machines to resurface my drive. This meant that for a week the only way into the world would be via what we call the brown back passage. It is a very muddy track, and I couldn’t believe how well the Defender coped. Even my tractor slithers about in one notorious 200m slab of clay, but the little Land Rover kept on going.

I didn’t even need to employ any of its “special programs”, which is a good thing, because to engage these you must first press a button on the dash and then use an iPad-style touchscreen thing to make your selection. That’s only going to work if you’re 12.

No problem: it has serious off-road chops

One afternoon I heard gunfire on the other side of the farm, so, fearful that someone was shooting my deers, I set off up the brown back passage and into the woods, where the Defender’s smallness meant I could zip about easily between the trees. It was also extremely comfortable, and although my test car had the 2-litre petrol engine, and not a torquey diesel, it was sprightly and gutsy too. Soon I forgot why I’d gone out, and was to be found trying to get the car stuck in bogs and on muddy banks so I could be manly and use my tractor to pull it out. I was quite sad when I failed. This is the real deal. It’s a properly serious off-roader.

Even more impressive than the off-road comfort and ability was the interior. It’s not completely “wipe clean”, sadly, and I hated the faux screw heads, but there are so many cubbyholes and pockets for things, you could play kick the can in there and never find anyone.

After three days I was fairly confident I would be buying a Defender soon, but then I checked the price and, er, I’m sorry. What? The car I’d tested was more than $112,000 with the options factored in; even without them, you’re still looking at upwards of $71,500. Excuse me, but if I want a vehicle to cart around bales of straw and sheep – and I do, by the way – why wouldn’t I just do what all farmers do and get a pick-up?

Certainly a pick-up would “bong” less. The Defender alerts you firmly and loudly when you open the door or don’t do up your seatbelt, and it becomes completely hysterical when you’re manoeuvring near things. This is extremely annoying when you’re using the car as a tool.

The problems continued when I drove to London, because on the motorway there was quite a lot of wind noise and a sort of constant diagonal pitching motion. Is this a consequence of the excellent off-road ability, or has it been “engineered in” to give drivers a flavour of the old car? And in the city it bonged at everything, convinced we were perpetually on the verge of a massive crash. But everyone was looking at it and giving the thumbs-up. It did look good, I admit. I especially liked the folding canvas sunroof.

I was determined to hate the new Defender, then, but I don’t. However, I can’t see the point of it. For serious countrymen that price tag is too high. You, on the other hand? Well, if you are a hedge-fund manager with a hobby farm, be in no doubt: the new Defender will be not as good as the Range Rover you have now.

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Land Rover Defender 90 P300
Engine: 2.0 litre four-cylinder turbo petrol (221kW / 400Nm)
Average fuel: 12 litres per 100km
Transmission: Eight-speed automatic, all-wheel drive
Price: From $71,500. Arrives February 2021
Rating: ★★★★