Genius of Rolls-Royce engineers shines in world’s most excessive SUV

I should have known that something was amiss when Rolls-Royce invited me to drive its new Cullinan SUV on Ibiza ... and mentioned that there wouldn’t be a lot of actual driving involved.

The new and hugely imposing Cullinan Series II.

Recently I’ve found myself in the awkward position of being invited on “lifestyle launches”, which means spending time with people who I view with a mixture of disdain, disbelief, fury and jealousy.

Putting me at a dinner table with influencers is like asking a beef farmer to chew the cud with vegans, or the bosses of Toyota and VW to break bread with Elon. I should have known that something was amiss when Rolls-Royce invited me to drive its new Cullinan SUV on Ibiza and mentioned that there wouldn’t be a lot of actual driving involved – but I’d stopped listening as soon as I heard “Ibiza” (yes, in theory, I am too old to go clubbing, but when the mountain calls Mohammed must answer).

On arrival, the videographer assigned to watch me being horribly awkward on camera informed me that, in the two weeks since the global launch, I was the only actual motoring journalist he’d seen. And then he broke down weeping about how much painful footage he’d been forced to shoot of people striding vapidly past the new and hugely imposing Cullinan Series II, or draping themselves wanly across its new and very beautiful seats (each one has 107,000 perforations, in three different hole sizes, to create a three-dimensional effect that’s supposed to represent the way the sky looks over the company’s headquarters in the UK; yes, you guessed it, it’s cloudy).

The Cullinan is now the most in-demand vehicle in the Rolls-Royce line-up.

While one influencer did put in the significant effort of bringing 17 changes of outfit for a single day’s shooting near the car – and was paid by 17 different brands to do so – what none of them seemed to do was talk about the vehicle. Nor did they have any intention of writing about it, other than in the facile form of hashtags.

There was some frustrating amusement in watching these insufferably attractive people attempt to drive a Rolls-Royce the size of a bouncy castle on the very narrow roads of Ibiza. I followed one slickly suited influencer from India (who spent part of the day shoving a rod down his back in order to hoist a 360-degree camera over his head so people could experience a fish-eye view of his glamorous adventures) as he struggled to exceed 30km/h, regularly ran off the side of the road and treated the brake pedal like a panic button.

When the original Cullinan was launched five years ago I suggested it was too ugly and would never succeed, but it’s now the most in-demand vehicle in the brand’s line-up, accounting for half of all its sales in some markets. The most important things to note about this new version are that it still has a 6.75-litre V12 engine, which is as marvellous as it is mellifluous (it’s only a model refresh; when they get to the next fully new version you can bet it will be an EV), and that it looks a lot better than the original. The changes are subtle but they have transformed the rear end so that it looks less like a London black cab, and the front so it that it looks more properly grand and less like a tractor.

Inside the Rolls-Royce Cullinan Series II.

There are stylish tweaks inside, too, like the new Clock Cabinet, which features not only a retro timepiece but a backlit Spirit of Ecstasy statuette, the first time she’s been allowed to ride inside the car as opposed to on the bonnet (she sits behind a piece of glass, which I assume an owner’s spoilt child would break in an emergency if they’ve run out of other toys).

The genius of Rolls-Royce engineers shines in the magical way they make this truly huge (2.2m wide, 5.3m long, 2.7-tonne) vehicle feel so absurdly effortless to drive. One of the many numpties surrounding me complained at lunch that it was “almost too easy” and that they found the steering so light they were operating it with just two fingers. This made the Rolls PR person choke on her foie gras and stammer, “But that’s the whole point!”

The brand’s “Magic Carpet” ride quality is very much in evidence in the Cullinan as it wafts over the world, but its weight and dimensions do become a body-rolling issue if you attempt to really hustle it through bends, which is something neither its owners or an influencer would probably do, so I really shouldn’t even mention it.

Rolls wouldn’t tell me what the price will be (if one needs to ask, one probably can’t afford it), but the last Cullinan was $705,000, so it will probably be close to that. Of course, you could spend that on the world’s most excessive SUV, or you could donate it to me in the hope of extending my career, because it’s become clear that I need to be more socially media aware, and that I’m going to need to spend a lot of money on clothes, plastic surgery and buying followers. Oh, and a lobotomy.

In summary, what I’m trying to say is, please follow me on Instagram – @stephencorby.

Rolls-Royce Cullinan Series II

ENGINE: 6.75-litre twin-turbo V12 (420kW/850Nm)

FUEL ECONOMY: 16 litres per 100km

TRANSMISSION: 8-speed automatic, all-wheel drive

PRICE: $705,000 (est)

RATING: 4/5