Ferrari’s got the most oomph for Chalmers’ Future Fund

Austin Power’s signature 1967 Jaguar E-Type Roadster the “Shaguar”.

Good luck on the good ship ­Future Fund and all who sail anywhere near it.

Jimmy Chalmers, the titular boss of the fund established to meet the super obligations of federal public servants, this week told the FF to invest in Australian houses and green energy rather than, well let’s say Ferrari and Tesla.

Of course, we are biased here to the auto sector but in the last year Fezzer shares have gone up about 260 per cent and Tesla about 250 per cent. Lucky Jimmy’s FF holds both. House prices in Australia have gone up a handy 20 per cent.

Ferrari has the third highest market cap of any carmaker (Tesla and Toyota are the others on the podium), which is not bad for a company that only makes 14,000 cars a year. While VW Group shares are down $44 in the last six months. Volkswagen has more problems than a sandwich at a seagull convention. Margins on its core products are very skinny, for the first time ever CEO Ollie Blume wants to close factories, China sales are dead, and the Trumpster is looking at tariff-blocking foreign cars from the land of the free.

VW makes ŠKODAs, SEATs, CUPRAs, Audis, Lambos Bentley, Porkers and Ducatis (for temporary citizens of the world). Consumer Reports rank Audi 19th for new car reliability and near last on owner satisfaction. And profit for the first nine months of the year is down more than 30 per cent with more bad news to come. As the FT’s Lex says: “Investors clearly do not believe that the carmaker is getting its show back on the road.”

VW Group also owns 75 per cent of the Porker company. Porker shares have sunk 36 per cent on the back of a 41 per cent profit drop. Now I could say the wheels are falling off, but they ­really are. The US National Highway Transportation Safety Administration is telling owners of 2024 911, 718 Cayman GT4 RS and 718 Spyder RS cars that a batch of nuts “manufactured out of specification”, which could result in wheel detachment (that is, fall off). Rule number one of corporate PR is always blame the nuts. “Porsche has acknowledged ‘several incidents’ linked to fractured centre lock bolts during September and October 2024.” NHTSA has already recalled Porsche Taycan EVs due to a potential battery short circuit risk that could cause a fire.

Merc and Volvo profits have halved and BMW earnings are down 79 per cent for the nine months to September 30. Over at our favourite auto company, Stellantis, Reuters tells us: “Reduced shipments and lower pricing power slashed Stellantis revenue by 27 per cent in the third quarter, the automaker said as it seeks to fix bloated inventories and poor commercial performance that led to a major profit warning last month.”

Of course, Stellantis makes the Jeep, which is sold by Dan Kawai at Autoleague who own the ­famous Berwick Jeep dealership (among many others). You don’t need the warning, but Jeep ranks 34th or what you and I would call last on the Consumer Reports rankings but only fourth last on owner satisfaction by brand.

Talking of not getting any satisfaction, Jaguar has stopped making cars while it prepares for new exciting woke models in 2026. Worldwide Jag sales have been falling and in Australia the leaping cat brand only managed to move 581 units this year. So, the answer is make EVs with “a back end that looks like an air conditioner”, charge double, launch an ad full of DEI persons that doesn’t mention cars, and launch the new Jag at the Miami Art Show.

Twenty readers, just head over to Kissimmee in January, for Mecum’s World’s Largest Collector Car Auction, where you can buy Austin Powers’ signature 1967 Jaguar E-Type Roadster, known as the “Shaguar”, that starred in all three Mike Myers movies, Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery, Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me and Austin Powers in Goldmember. Finished in a Union Jack paint scheme with a dark blue interior, with the Shaguar number plate, the car was also featured in the Madonna music video, Beautiful Stranger, with Mike Myers. Maybe this is really the new Jag?

As for price, who knows given someone paid $10m for Comedian, by Italian artist Maurizio Cattelan, last week. The WSJ tells us Comedian “consists of an ordinary, yellow banana affixed to a white wall with a diagonal piece of silver duct tape”. For $8m less you could have bought George Harrison’s Resonet Futurama, a Czechoslovakian-made electric guitar last week. Which one was really the low hanging fruit?

And didn’t last week’s Adelaide 500 bring back the biff? Will Brown came from near last to win from the year’s unluckiest driver, Chaz Mostert. “I suppose I was a bit too aggressive. I was trying to get to the lead and try and extend my 15-second gap, and I made a mistake,” said Broc Feeney, who crossed the line first but copped penalties that took him back to seventh. Feeney hit Mostert coming out of pit lane and then again taking Chaz out of the race lead in the closing laps. Chaz has cemented his relationships with the top end of town with late developer Shane Smolan joining Chaz’s racing team. Shane, who is also a property developer, didn’t take up racing till he was 41 and then became a Porsche champion, showing there is hope for us all.

And on Sunday be on Kayo for the Hamo’s last three races at Mercedes and to see who wins the world championship. Also watch young Oscar in Las Vegas now McLaren has told him Leaping Lando’s title hopes are fudged and he can go for it. Sin City will be flooded with Aussie fund managers looking to see if their value bet on Oscar at 14/1 can trump (yes it’s a pun) Lando, Max and Chuck at odds on. Just two reminder the race starts at 5pm in the arvo and only clear tote bags or backpacks, while non-clear fanny packs must be no larger than 6in x 9 in. Diaper bags are permitted if accompanied by an infant or someone who just likes dressing up in them.

jcp.com.au