There were 444,631 persons in real life and about a billion more watching on Kayo. The first GP in world history to have three red flags. Six drivers deciding to stop for a ciggie. A bloke who just got his drivers licence came fourth and a soap dodger channelled his inner Aquaman to win.
Friends and 20 readers, the Albert Park organisers served up a cocktail of chaos, a casserole of catastrophe, a milkshake of madness but the spray-soaked drama couldn’t hide F1’s existential crises – political, technical, and generational – which are moving faster than Mad Max on a fresh set of inters.
Norris’s masterclass in the rain was good but Mad Max being less than a second behind in a crap car was extraordinary. Verstappen’s frustration: “Tires were fudged” (luckily not said over the radio). “McLaren’s just quicker right now.” Young Oscar Piastri flirted with the grass and reversed himself out to the cheers of the crowd. Poetry. And he will be world champ soon.
But let’s not crown McLaren yet. Remember 2024? Red Bull’s “dominance” lasted until Monaco’s first hairpin. The new car is quick, but F1’s engineering arms race is a marathon.
While quite a few old codgers (and young persons) found the Albert Park walls, Kimi Antonelli, 18, went from 16th to fourth in the Melbourne monsoon. Some of the oldies did do well, like 37-year-old Nico Hulkenberg originally of Emmerich am Rhein now of the much more melodic Monaco, who came a handy seventh and of course the Mad Max, now 40.
Red Bull’s Dr Helmut Marko, 81, suggested Isack Hadjar, 20, was Sunday’s Beta Male.
Not often you see raw humanity in sport: Red Bull junior Isack had a tear attack after shunting his car into the wall on the formation lap. Hamo’s father, Tony gave Isack a hug. Cue Helmut Marko: “Isack Hadjar did a little bit of crying after his crash. That was a bit embarrassing.”
No, Helmut, you are hugely embarrassing to the sport, Red Bull, your family, the whole of clogland and all who drink in the four pubs you own.
Is the Ferrari team fudged? After Hamo scored one point in 10th while Chuck Leclerc limped to eighth it’s time to cue the schadenfreude symphony. But writing off F1’s most calculated career move after one soggy race?
Please.
Schumacher’s 1996 Ferrari debut was a dumpster fire, and he turned that into a dynasty. Give the man time to learn Italian – and the car’s baffling drink-bottle settings. Hamo exclusively told us his Feezer was “a handful but at least the seat’s comfy!”
The FIA’s midnight Monday email banning “mini-DRS” rear wing flex has teams busier than a cross-eyed air traffic controller at peak hour. After McLaren and Mercedes exploited loopholes (again), the governing body slashed the legal slot-gap limit. It means race mechanics will be burning the spicy midnight oil in Shanghai. Red Bull’s Christian Horner, still cranky over last year’s title loss, quipped: “If only the FIA moved this fast on actual safety.”
While F1 teams wrestle wings, Washington’s latest plot twist could derail the grid.
The Trumpster’s 25 per cent tariffs on Canadian and Mexican imports have got automakers sweating.
GM, Ford, and Stellantis bosses were told to “buckle up” in a terse Oval Office call. For F1, this spells trouble: Audi’s already axing 7500 jobs ahead of its 2026 entry, and Cadillac’s $700m bargain-team deal now reeks of desperation. As one insider muttered: “Next, they’ll tariff carbon fibre. Or Helmut Marko’s eyebrow raises.”
Now I know many of you are doing it tough. The cunning kick could be light on the $200m it costs to run an F1 team. But everyone has a lazy $67k around. To race at Le Mans in June as part of the support act to the 24 Hours of Le Mans, you just need to send a Gregory or your bankcard to our friend and the only reputable car dealer on the east coast of this great land, Andrew Miedecke. No need to trust me, listen to what Chris Ward, Ford Performance’s global one-make series manager says about it.
“This isn’t just a race – it’s a bucket-list experience. We’re giving Mustang fans, whether they’re weekend warriors or seasoned racers, a chance to write their own chapter in Le Mans history. We’ve got Aussies, Europeans, Texans but no soap dodgers asking, ‘How do I get a seat? That’s the beauty – it’s arrive and drive for anyone with the guts and a licence.”
Yes, 20 readers, one friend and the Sultan, at the Mustang Challenge Le Mans Invitational the price of glory (middle class edition) is two fifths of stuff all.
You can rent a race-ready Mustang for $12k (includes global shipping, two extra wheel sets). The entry fee is $30k. And for only $25k you get five sets of Michelins.
There is the small matter of the $150k insurance bond but, hey, who crashes race cars?
And as Wardy says: “Twenty years from now, these drivers won’t remember the invoice.
“They’ll remember racing their Mustang at Le Mans. That’s priceless.”
And news from the wonderful world of cars:
● Ford’s $7.7bill gamble: Slashing 3000 jobs to fund a last-ditch EV push against China’s BYD and NIO. CEO Jim Farley: “We’ll sell combustion engines until 2050 if needed.” (Spoiler: they just killed the Fiesta.) Chinese brands now hold 22 per cent of Europe’s EV market;
● Stellantis’ Endangered Brands: Chrysler, Dodge, and Maserati face the axe after sales crashed;
● Alfa Romeo’s Reprieve: Abandoned its all-EV pledge but still lost 12 per cent of sales;
The new Alfa Tonale SUV? “Less reliable than a TikTok trend,” say consumer reports.
● Porsche’s Job Purge: 4000 cuts as China sales tanked 40 per cent. New 911 “Safari Edition” costs $500k. Workers rage: “We’re the recycled parts now”.
jc@jcp.com.au
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It was bigger than a footy player’s night out in Bali. A Melbourne Monsoon.