Audi’s RS 5 coupe is borderline sensational

Audi has gone for a twin-turbo 2.9-litre V6, which gives 331kW. That’s a lot in a car of this type.

The Audi RS 5.

Back in the ’80s, BMW came up with the idea of making an innocuous-looking sedan that was very fast and utterly beautiful to drive. It was called the M5 and it earned a reputation for being one of the world’s great cars.

It was such a masterpiece that BMW had the market all to itself for years. Eventually Mercedes joined forces with tuning company AMG to create a high-performance range of cars, but these weren’t really direct rivals for the fast Beemers. They were big and smoky and loud and quite soft. They were muscle cars, really, in Hugo Boss suits.

And Audi? Well, it started to fit powerful engines to its four-wheel-drive models to create the RS line-up, but, again, they didn’t have the magic or the delicacy of BMW’s M cars. If you really knew your stuff — if you knew how to trail-brake and feel the limit of adhesion — you were never going to be satisfied with a nose-heavy Audi or a wayward Mercedes. A proper driver would always go for the BMW.

However, recently the BMW bandwagon has hit a bump. There is no M5 on sale at the moment, and while the M2 is a joy, its bigger and better known brother the M3 is a bit of a dog, with terrible steering.

And to make life even more difficult for BMW, other rivals have finally woken up. Alfa Romeo can sell you the Giulia Quadrifoglio, which has three-quarters of a Ferrari engine and an exhaust note to stir the soul. It would be my choice. Then you have Mercedes E 63 S. Its styling is a bit in-your-face — unless you live in Dubai — but it’s not like any AMG we’ve seen before. It has the power, but it’s harnessed into a proper package. It’s a serious car for serious people, make no mistake.

And then there’s Audi, which has just launched the car you see here. It’s called the RS 5 coupe, and it’s borderline sensational. I was hoping Audi would have fitted it with the 294kW five-cylinder engine from the TT RS, because when historians look back at what they will call the “petrol age” they’ll describe that as one of the all-time greats. But Audi has gone instead for a twin-turbo 2.9-litre V6, which gives 331kW. That’s a lot in a car of this type.

But the bald figures of 0-100km/h in 3.9 seconds and a top speed of 249km/h — or 280km/h with the Dynamic package — tell only half the story. To get the other half, you have to get behind the wheel and open it up. And, ooh, you’ll be grinning. Actually, to start with, you won’t be grinning. You’ll be looking as though a lion has walked into your kitchen, because, God, it’s alarmingly quick off the line. I once saw someone put a mustard-covered hot dog up a police horse’s bottom. Well, the Audi sets off like that.

Of course, we’ve seen previous Audis that were fast in a straight line. But that’s all they could do: go in a straight line. You’d be sitting there, sawing away at the wheel and shouting “Turn, you bastard!”, but they rarely did. A nose-heavy layout and four-wheel drive saw to that.

The RS 5 is different. It has a bitey front and a waggly tail — just what the enthusiastic driver wants. And while the ride is firm, it doesn’t pitter-patter like Audis of old. This, rest assured, is a properly sorted, well-engineered car. It’s also good looking. The wheels are worthy of a spot in Tate Modern, the rear side windows a nod to the Nissan GT-R.

So there we are. Another kick in the teeth for BMW’s M division. This is a car you can drive, safe in the knowledge that the cognoscenti will give you a discreet nod at the lights — a recognition that you’ve made a wise choice.

There is, however, a problem. If you’re the sort of keen driver who might be interested in this car, the chances are that the vehicle you currently drive doesn’t have four rings on the grille. Which means you will have no idea how the Audi’s sat-nav-multimedia-connectivity system works. So you’ll stab away at various buttons and then mutter something under your breath and push a few more, and eventually you’ll get out of your test vehicle, slam the door and buy the new version of the car you drive now.

The days when a car was three pedals and a steering wheel are over. They’re electronic now, and much of their appeal is their ability to avoid traffic jams, tell us where we’re going, and play the music from our phone. And in the Audi all this stuff is bloody difficult. So you won’t buy one. And that’s a shame.

Audi RS 5

Engine: 2.9-litre V6 twin-turbo petrol (331kW/600Nm) | Transmission: Eight-speed automatic, all-wheel drive. | Average fuel: 8.7 litres per 100km | Price: From $159,000 (estimated). On sale in Australia in November | Stars: 4 out of 5