Jodi Rodgers, relationship counsellor and sexologist, 55: Q&A

I’ve had to acknowledge that being in a lifelong relationship with a soulmate hasn’t happened with me. It took a long time for me to go, actually, that’s not a failure.

Insights: Jodi Rodgers. Picture: Natalie Grono for The New York Times

How hard is it for a relationship counsellor to practise what she preaches? I work with clients who are autistic or have some kind of disability so I spend a lot of time telling people that an intimate romantic relationship is beautiful – but only if it’s the icing on the cake. In my lifetime, I’ve had to acknowledge that being in a lifelong relationship with a soulmate hasn’t happened with me. It took a long time for me to go, actually, that’s not a failure, because I still have great relationships with all the people in my life.

How many professionals are out there with your qualifications? More and more. When I did my masters in sexology 20 years ago, there were maybe 15 of us in the course – but I wanted to get into that field only to support people with a disability. I’ve got postgraduate qualifications in disability and I’ve got a counselling degree and a sexology degree. These days every second person’s a sexologist, and the world of social media and TikTok means there’s a lot of access to that advice.

Jodi Rodgers. Picture: Natalie Grono for The New York Times

You became well known after appearing on the ABC-TV program Love on the Spectrum, but originally said no to the show. What were you worried about? It was only a no for 24 hours! Look, I knew that to be the best counsellor I can, it has to be a genuine relationship. I thought no, I’m not going to be filmed in that situation because I thought it can’t be genuine. Also, I never wanted to be on TV. It was a family member that said, “Who else is going to do this job?” To start with, the producers said it’ll just be five minutes, you’ll be with one person, it’ll only be on the ABC, it’ll be just one episode. Next thing, it’s on Netflix in America.

So, was it a genuine experience? All of my fear of television and the cameras fell away as soon as they put me in front of somebody. I was able to be completely present. You know what I say it’s like? You know how when you give birth you couldn’t have cared less who the hell was in the room? It was a bit like that. They all just disappeared.

Is there still prejudice about people with a disability exploring personal relationships? It still exists. It takes a lot for there to be a cultural shift. You know, we see it in all shapes and forms, the difficulty of culture and language and attitude, and all value-shifting takes a long time. It doesn’t happen in one generation. It takes the next generation to upskill, and the generation before it has to listen.

You’ve written Unique – an account of all the lessons your clients have taught you over the years. What’s the first step to better understanding neurodivergent people? Empathy comes from our imagination. It takes being able to step into another person’s shoes. I think the best way to educate ourselves is to feel it. I would never use diagnostic language to explain; instead, we all have quirks and experiences that allow us to relate. Now let’s put those on steroids. There. Now, you’ve got a component of autism.

In the book’s acknowledgments you thank Bruce Springsteen. What’s that about? Well, the story goes Bruce presented an album to the record execs and they said: “There’s no hit here.” He was so pissed he went away and wrote Dancing in the Dark. After that, whenever I thought, “I’m sick of sitting ’round here trying to write this book” – just as the lyrics say – I’d think of Bruce. He got me through!

 

Unique ($34.99) is out now through Hachette