How to be a good parent to teenagers — the expert’s guide
Social scientist and bestselling author Matilda Gosling shares her evidence-led advice on how best to guide our adolescents through these formative years.
Parenting teenagers can feel like a rollercoaster ride in the dark, with frequent plunges from joyful highs to unexpected lows. We worry about their wellbeing and with good reason. NHS England’s latest survey on the mental health of children and young people found that in 2023 about 20 per cent of 8 to 25-year-olds had a probable mental health disorder, with 17 to 19-year-olds worst afflicted at 23.3 per cent.
Parents have to negotiate endless conflicting advice — has teens’ smartphone use created an “anxious generation” or are other factors to blame? No wonder we’re confused about how best to guide our adolescents through these formative years into adulthood.
It’s why Matilda Gosling, a social scientist, researcher and author of the excellent Evidence-Based Parenting, wrote her latest book, Teenagers: The Evidence Base. A mother of two daughters aged 15 and 12 (“I totally count her as a teenager!”), Gosling has meticulously examined the data from thousands of studies on adolescence, in the fields of psychology and neuroscience, to find the approaches that really work.
Drawing too on advice from leading experts, plus her own adolescence and parenting failures, she doesn’t judge or preach. Gosling says mistakes are inevitable — crucial, even — so your teenager “can see that fallibility is part of the human experience”. Here’s her evidence-backed advice.
Conflict with your teen is not always a bad sign
If teens say “I hate you”, Gosling says, it shows that they feel safe enough to push you away. If they feared you’d withdraw your love, they’d hesitate. It also reflects the natural healthy process of separating from you. She says: “A study of almost 3,000 Dutch teenagers, published in the Journal of Adolescence, finds that they simultaneously start to separate from their parents and develop their own identities as a normal part of development.” Still, like most parents, Gosling says, “I find it really difficult to hear.” Be assertive, not defensive. Tell them it’s fine if they’re angry or upset but, she adds, also say, “‘I don’t like it when you talk to me like that.’ You’re still engaging but saying, ‘This is my boundary.’” Being authentic builds your relationship.
Another valuable job you can do is “emotional garbage collecting” — a term coined by an American psychologist — “when parents pick up their teenagers’ emotional rubbish.” In other words, you allow teens to offload and, as a result, they feel better. “A review of studies published in Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review has found that teenagers and younger children who struggle to express how they’re feeling are more likely to feel anxious,” Gosling says. Your support also helps them to learn how to manage their emotions themselves. Listen, empathise but maintain emotional distance, Gosling advises. “If you feel the depths of their pain, you’ll feel run-down pretty quickly.”
But the parent needs to have the last word in an argument
“It’s important for parents not to be blown by the winds of their teenagers’ moods,” Gosling says. If an argument with your adolescent is raging on, listen, try to find a constructive resolution but, ultimately, be able to say, “No, that’s enough.” “Plenty of studies — including high-quality analysis of other research published in Marriage and Family Review — show that teenagers are less likely to have symptoms of poor mental health when their parents put boundaries in place with warmth,” she says.
Whereas if the teen ends the row by slamming a door behind them, or if you allow it to escalate before giving in, they don’t learn how to manage disagreement constructively. Interestingly, Gosling says, it’s parents who are more likely to sulk after a row but research shows that this leads to more conflict. If your teen is going through a monosyllabic patch, she advises, “Talk to the version of your teenager that you want to see and they’re more likely to show up.” If you assume grumpiness, you’ll get it.
They need to know you admire them
You are the centre of gravity for your teen, Gosling says: “They might imagine that their friends are the only thing that matters but, actually, parents are critically important, even if it doesn’t seem that way.” One study of 1,000 teenagers from 11 countries, including France, India and the US, linked their life satisfaction to how admiring their parents are of them, as measured by questions such as “how often does your mother/father let you know that you are good at many things?” These findings held true across cultures. Gosling says, “They need to know that we admire their characters too, that we love them unconditionally.” But stop short of adulation. “We need to be able to say when we don’t believe their behaviour is appropriate, and put in place the boundaries and limits that let them feel safe.”
Teenagers will inevitably take risks such as getting drunk and taking drugs
Baffled as to why your thoughtful, sensitive teen did something rash? Sensitivity, particularly to what their peers think, is linked to teen risk-taking, Gosling says. NHS survey data for England shows that a quarter of 11 to 15-year olds have vaped, about a tenth have smoked and more than a third have tried alcohol. About a twentieth drink at least once a week. “Experimental research on risk shows how much teenagers are influenced by their friends,” she adds.
Dutch researchers followed 600 teens for three years to work out what drives them to take up smoking. “They found that nicotine habits were predicted by the twin drivers of peer pressure and being impulsive,” Gosling says. “They want to be part of a tribe and if their friends are taking risks, they don’t want to feel like that weird person on the edges who isn’t joining in.” In short, peer pressure rules. “The short-term benefits of taking risks outweigh the long-term consequences in that moment.” Another reason they take risks? “They’re fun!” Gosling says. Teens can feel bored if they don’t do something that makes them feel alive.
Parents can still influence their teen’s risk-taking. If they don’t want to drink or take drugs at a party, Gosling says, rehearse what-if scenarios. “Ask, ‘If you get pressured, what are your strategies?’ Maybe it’s saying, ‘I can’t — my mum has the nose of a bloodhound.’” She adds, “If they think you’re assuming that they will take risks that can lead them into being more likely to take them. Research finds, for example, that when parents expect their teenagers not to drink alcohol, they’re much less likely to drink. This was the finding of a several-year research project with about 3,500 teenagers in Houston, Texas, but there’s plenty of other research showing strong links between parents’ expectations and adolescent risk-taking.” If they’re going to a festival you might say: “What happens if your friend takes drugs? This is what to look out for, these are the risks, this is what to do if something goes wrong.”
How to maximise their chances of making wise decisions
Risk-taking is more likely if teens find it hard to regulate their emotions — and while parents aren’t directly to blame Gosling cites a Dutch study that found conflict at home erodes adolescents’ self-control. “It looked at data from more than 9,000 14-year-old twins to test whether low self-control in teenagers predicts family conflict or whether it’s family conflict that is a potential cause of poor self-control, finding strong evidence for the latter,” she says.
When it comes to rules, be flexible. Fine, they can stay at that party till 11pm, but you’ll pay for a cab home. “If you have high expectations but you’re prepared to shift your rules when necessary, it gives them a sense of control,” Gosling says. “They’ll be more likely to stick to your core rules” — about, say, safety — “if you’re more flexible on the ones that are slightly less critical. But if they feel that rules never move, they’ll break them.”
Let them take manageable risks. “For example, travelling independently to see family members who live elsewhere or, depending on their age, going youth hostelling with friends,” Gosling says. Exposure to healthy stress and responsibility is valuable. If teens know they can manage difficulty, they can apply what they’ve learnt in new, riskier situations.
You have to talk to them about porn, sex and consent
However cringe-making you find it, parents must talk to their adolescents about porn, or the porn industry will do it for them — and one brief chat isn’t enough. “Our teenagers are, unfortunately, likely to be exposed to the incredibly distorted damaging views of sex — including emotional abuse and violence — that online porn contains. We need to be clear about what healthy relationships look like and that sex is about mutual respect, desire and pleasure,” Gosling says.
We also have to broach topics such as sexting. Gosling refers to a review of studies that analysed the habits of more than 100,000 teens, and found that about 15 per cent had sent sexts and 27 per cent had received them. In an ideal world our teenager wouldn’t share explicit images of themselves but if explaining the law doesn’t work — it’s illegal to take, possess or pass on a sexual photo, including selfies, of anyone under 18 — Gosling notes that it may be better for parents to promote consensual “safe sexting” than advise against it — for instance, keeping their head, or any identifying jewellery or tattoos, out of any photos.
They want you to talk about love (yes, really)
Gosling cites research with 18 to 25-year-olds that found they wished parents had talked to them about the emotional aspects of negotiating relationships. They’ve not had the experience to know what’s normal, Gosling says. “With jealousy and possessiveness it can feel like ‘they must really love me’ if their boy/girlfriend cares about their history of text messages or who else they’re friends with.” Find opportunities to chat about what a healthy or unhealthy relationship looks like. “If you’re watching TV together and someone is acting in a jealous way you might discuss it,” Gosling says.
She notes that girls especially may struggle with ending relationships. Help them to know that no matter how sensitive they may be to everyone else’s feelings, “You should be led by what you want from a relationship and if it doesn’t work for you, it’s fine to end it.” They may need your support in how to do this in a way that causes the least pain, and with the emotional aftermath of a break-up, she says.
And if they’ve been dumped? The expert advice is to avoid contact with the person who dumped you if possible, Gosling says. What if the dumper insists they should still be friends? Tell teens: “It’s OK to protect yourself and you don’t need to let what other people want impinge on your boundaries.”
Beware of overblowing anxiety
A Finnish study of more than 700,000 people found that mental health problems could be contagious. If teens had a diagnosed classmate they were 9 per cent more likely to develop a mental health issue within a year. With more than one diagnosed classmate, that risk rose by 18 per cent.
Parents can help by teaching teens that feelings are signals, not a core part of identity, Gosling says. “You hear teenagers saying ‘I have anxiety’ rather than ‘I feel worried about my exams’. The minute it becomes part of your identity it becomes much harder to shake off.” Knowing it’s normal to sometimes feel worried or low, to struggle with your body image, and that these feelings are temporary, helps teens to negotiate them. “If they feel it’s a ‘forever state’ it becomes unmanageable and you lose any sense of control,” she says. Parents can also offer practical help to make teens feel able to influence an outcome, such as supporting their revision.
It’s worth avoiding language focused on weight when speaking to your teen, she adds, as they can see it as being critical even if it’s not meant to be. While conversations focused on weight are linked to high levels of disordered eating in teenagers, conversations about healthy eating are linked to the opposite.
To look after them, look after your own mental health
“One of the biggest predictors of good outcomes for teenagers and younger children is their parents’ wellbeing and mental health,” Gosling says. “Longitudinal data [from the British Child and Adolescent Mental Health surveys of 1999 and 2004] show, for example, that the children of parents with poor mental health are more at risk of later developing an emotional disorder and that these links run in two directions — parents are more likely to see their mental health deteriorate when they have a child with an emotional disorder.”
If you’re preoccupied by anxieties it’s hard to be present and connected, and taking time out to exercise or see friends is probably more important than some family activities, Gosling says. Your relationship with your partner matters, she notes. “Large reviews of individual research studies have also found that teenagers’ wellbeing is strongly predicted by the quality of their parents’ relationships with each other.” As with anything, “if you model for your teenager healthy approaches to living, it’s much more likely they’ll take them up for themselves”.
Let them know where you are
“Your physical presence is also absolutely vital,” Gosling says, which means being emotionally available when you’re around as opposed to scrolling on your phone. And when you’re not? Teens still gain security and connection from knowing where you are. “My teenagers might seemingly not care what I’m doing but they always ask where I’m going to be.” Maintaining communication and checking in with them is mutually beneficial so that teens know their parents care. “Parental knowledge, awareness and monitoring of their teens’ whereabouts — without being intrusive — is linked to better outcomes for teenagers,” she says.
Teach your teen how to think critically to protect them on social media (and off it)
Screens and social media have been blamed wholesale for worsening mental health in teens but Gosling argues that the evidence for this conclusion is “at best mixed”. She says, “We probably need a bit more nuance in how we think about smartphones and the online world. While some of what they contain is pretty terrible, not all of it is bad and for some teenagers it can support real-world relationships, and help them pursue interests and build skills.” She notes that while some studies have found apparent links between social media use and depressive symptoms, others have found none.
However, if there’s one skill to teach a teen when it comes to social media, it’s critical thinking, Gosling says. “When teenagers are on Instagram and they’re seeing all these perfect images, if they’re thinking critically they can think that the people who’ve posted them have probably discarded dozens of imperfect images and they’re showing a very narrow, curated snapshot that doesn’t represent reality.”
Thinking critically helps promote mental resilience and safety, Gosling says. It enables them to have better relationships, to be flexible and open to others’ ideas, to recognise bias in their own positions and to question what they see or are told.
“Encourage a perspective where there is not just one right way to think,” she says. “It’s fine to disagree, it makes everything richer.” Parents can lead by overt example. “If you’re talking at dinner, you could say, ‘I don’t actually agree with that but it’s an interesting point, tell me more.’ And show them that it’s OK to change your mind if new information comes in.”
Teenage boys need more emotional support than they get
Emotional support for teen boys declines over adolescence, Gosling says. “It becomes less available to them and less socially acceptable to seek it out.” But research published in Psychology of Men and Masculinities shows “that’s what they would really like from their friendships and the people around them”.
While girls are expected to seek out support from their peers, boys are expected to be independent and self-sufficient — the stereotypical “norms” of masculinity. “That can be quite a pernicious message for boys to absorb,” Gosling says, “because if they match up to those norms, they lose the group network to support them into adulthood.”
Fathers, in particular, may need to broaden their emotional range. “Research on parent communication has shown that fathers are more likely to model problem-solving and control with their sons,” Gosling says. “Showing that they themselves have a deep emotional range and might need to seek out support from people around them [means sons] can look to their fathers and see that there isn’t any shame in seeking support and being vulnerable if you are going through a difficult patch — or even just normal life.”
Ensuring that boys have access to a variety of male mentors is also invaluable. “If you’ve got a network of friends and relations who can show them different norms of masculinity, it helps boys see that there isn’t just one right way to be,” Gosling says.
The Times
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