It is an election year, and The Mocker kindly offers feedback and campaigning advice to key members of the Albanese government.
Energy Minister Chris Bowen
Your reputation as a renewable energy super-poseur is well-deserved. You are foremost in the mind of every householder living from pay to pay, especially given 2025 has kicked in. As you promised three years ago, it means a $275 drop in their annual power bills based on 2021 prices. But inexplicably you, a prolific user of social media, did not remind everyone of this when the new year arrived. In fact you appear to have deleted your X account. Could it be you are too modest?
Nothing better demonstrates the soundness of your policies than your habit of attacking opponents personally. You inspire confidence by your agitated demeanour and tendency to babble when under pressure. True to your portfolio, you are a man of much wind.
You will impress undecided voters by refusing to provide detailed costings of your protectionist pipe dream. Simply reply to those asking that you are unable to do so as the laws of numbers cannot cater for the figures.
Keep up the excellent work, and you will prove even more of an influence in this election than you were in 2019.
Treasurer Jim Chalmers
You believe the election outcome depends on whether the Reserve Bank decides to lower interest rates. But instead of addressing your government’s massive inflation-fuelling spending, you publicly browbeat RBA governor Michele Bullock, accusing the bank of “smashing the economy”.
This is a sound tactic. The many so-called progressive commentators of the Australian media will remain silent as you try to intimidate a female statutory officeholder into capitulating to your demands. You even have the support of Finance Minister Katy Gallagher, a self-professed champion of women who told the ABC that “the language the Treasurer used – and I’ve used it myself – is really stating the facts as they are”.
As you repeatedly claim, you are “planning and preparing for a soft landing in our economy”. This metaphor is all very well, except that all four engines are on fire, the landing gear won’t lower, the rookie pilot never attended flight school, and there is no cabin pressure.
But fear not, Captain Jim has a big announcement for us passengers. He will supply us with free oxygen right up until the moment we crash.
Foreign Minister Penny Wong
You have mightily impressed yourself. Such is your self-belief you have difficulty understanding how anyone could doubt your genius. Your natural response is to condescend to your critics. You could win additional respect by showing even more contempt for those who do not share your vision.
The last three years have been exhilarating for you. You have proved fearless in defying convention. On that note, congratulations on being the first sitting female senator to hold the office of prime minister.
Home Affairs Minister Tony Burke
You have a remarkable ability to unite disparate sections of Australians. For example, whether it is mainstream Australians or extremist Western Sydney imams, both groups believe you are utterly gutless.
Environment Minister Tanya Plibersek
Your party increasingly loses ground to the Greens. But by continuing to block industry on spurious grounds in your capacity as Environment Minister, you will woo back traditional Labor voters.
Resources Minister Madeleine King
Your spray against mining giant BHP last year for “railing against” Labor’s 1970s-like workplace relations legislation was magnificent, but you need to go harder and target all mining companies. Let’s face it, these bludgers contributed only $74 billion in company tax and royalties in the 2022-23 financial year.
Your doing so will upset many voters in the mining states, but too bad. Anyway, it is not as if Western Australia and Queensland are crucial battlegrounds in the upcoming election.
Transport Minister Catherine King
At last count you had provided half a dozen different reasons as to why you refused Qatar’s application to increase its number of flights to Australia’s capital cities (a decision you made after meeting privately with then Qantas CEO Alan Joyce). Unfortunately for you, Australian overseas travellers – who would have benefited from cheaper airfares had the application been approved – are not convinced of your good faith.
You should come up with a reason more believable by comparison. Something like “There was an insufficient number of crayons in Qatar’s on-board entertainment kits for kids” or “The ancient Egyptian hippopotamus goddess Taweret appeared to me in a vision and said she would smite Qatar aeroplanes from the sky if I approved this application,” perhaps?
Defence Minister Richard Marles
Thanks to your dedication and efficiency, the Royal Australian Navy currently fields one fully operational submarine out of a fleet of six.
On the hustings you should reinforce to sceptical voters this single deployment is more than sufficient to defend one of the longest coastlines in the world. You have many priorities to consider, and submarines are just one of them, you should add. They are vital to Australia’s security, but it is not as if they ferry your golf clubs.
Make sure you continue to castigate those impertinent ADF types who address you as ‘Minister for Defence’ instead of ‘Deputy Prime Minister’. By doing so you will be the most respected Labor defence minister since Stephen Smith.
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese
It was wrong of commentators to claim your performance during the last election campaign was such you should hide behind your ministers in future. Provided that is, the questions are no tougher than “Who has the best sausage sizzle” or “How good is Sam Konstas” or “How tough was it for you as the son of a single mother in public housing”.
You should highlight your many achievements in office. “I have ensured the release of many Australian drug-traffickers,” you could say. “And how many politicians my age can kowtow to China as well as I do,” you should add. “Believe me, that’s no mean feat when you have the limbs of a 61-year-old”.
When asked about your government’s response to the horrific rise of antisemitism in this country, you should point out that you acted quickly. It took you only 14 months to establish a joint police-intelligence task force into hate crimes against Jewish-Australians.
And next time a synagogue is firebombed, you will undertake to visit the scene within three days instead of four. Tennis, anyone?
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