The Mocker offers his 2025 predictions: Albo gives the Solomon Islands an NRL team, Wayne Swan appoints Tim Pallas as Cbus exec and Tony Burke publishes an biography titled: ‘Australia’s First Palestinian MP’.
January
Cbus chair and former treasurer Wayne Swan apologises following revelations of profligate spending of members’ money and an independent review by Deloitte which found the board of the superannuation giant failed to assess whether expenditure was in the best financial interests of members.
“We have heard, we have listened, and we will act to stamp out our wanton and reckless spending,” says Swan.
“To that effect I am delighted to announce former Victorian treasurer Tim Pallas will be our new chair of the audit and finance committee.”
February
Prime Minister Anthony Albanese announces he will give the Solomon Islands government $700 million to field a rugby league team in the NRL.
“This is not one-sided by any means,” he says.
“Prime Minister Jeremiah Manele is very grateful for my government’s generosity, and in return he has given me his personal assurance that the Chinese submarine base intended for Honiara will only be used for peaceful purposes.”
March
Opening the Prime Minister’s Spelling Bee competition, Education Minister Jason Clare repeatedly refers to what he calls “the fluidity of words”.
“Some words are archaic, some words describe behaviour that doesn’t exist, some words are value-laden, and sometimes the same word means completely different things to different people,” he says.
“But enough of that and let’s begin with the first question for our contestants. How do you spell antisemitism?”
April
Former foreign minister and NSW premier Bob Carr angrily denies rumours his appointment as ambassador is a controversial choice or that it will prove detrimental to relations between Australia and China.
“For goodness sake, I am well-connected with many high-level officials in that capital and know the country very well,” he tells journalists.
“As Beijing’s representative in Canberra, I will ensure a mutually beneficial and harmonious relationship between our two countries.”
May
Hosted by Tony Armstrong, the docu-series ‘End Game’, a story about finding “global solutions” to combating racism in Australia sport, debuts on ABC.
“On the way to the studio tonight I was thinking as I drove here in my brand-new blokey ute what it would be like if racism vanished from sport overnight, and I was so excited at the thought I yelled out OH WHAT A FEELING,” says Armstrong.
“I mean racism is terrible and sometimes I hate this country for it, but every time I fly overseas I realise I STILL CALL AUSTRALIA HOME.
We just need to get the right tools to fix this problem. And ideally you should buy those tools at a trusted business where LOWEST PRICES ARE JUST THE BEGINNING.”
June
Environment Minister Tanya Plibersek rejects criticism she has been stonewalling an application by MMG to build a new tailings storage to extend beyond 2030 the life of the 88-year-old zinc, copper and lead mine in Rosebery, Tasmania.
“I will make a decision when I have the information as to what effect this mine will have on the Tasmanian tiger,” she says.
July
South Korean President Yoon Suk Yeol acquitted at his impeachment trial after he, his defence and police chiefs, and his entire cabinet testify they cannot remember who gave the short-lived order to impose martial law in December.
A beaming Yoon emerges from court to thank his supporters.
“To quote a man after my own heart, it’s time to get on the beers,” he says.
August
Prime Minister Peter Dutton concedes his government’s plans for building nuclear power plants will mean the compulsory acquiring of homes.
“The good news is it’s just one residential property at this stage,” he says.
“It’s in Western Sydney, and the owner is one Chris Bowen.
As compensation for him, it’s our treat for a carbon-neutral home and a couple of acres in the Simpson Desert, where I might add there is an abundance of free sunshine.”
September
On the first day of his international holiday following his retirement, former prime minister Anthony Albanese is hospitalised after collapsing in shock at a Sydney Airport check-in counter.
A Qantas spokesperson later confirms Albanese took ill after learning the round-the-world economy tickets he purchased meant he would be travelling in economy.
October
Printers for the Sydney Morning Herald go on strike after learning they have been rostered to work a 24-hour shift to produce a one-off special edition of 1,700 pages.
“It’s bloody ridiculous, unnecessary, and a terrible business decision,” says Australian Manufacturing Workers Union delegate Jock Simmons.
“Who in their right mind would want to read a transcript of Peter FitzSimons interviewing Peter FitzSimons?
November
The true believers gather in Canberra for an address by Gough Whitlam biographer Jenny Hocking to commemorate the fiftieth anniversary of the prime minister’s dismissal by Governor-General Sir John Kerr.
“We will never forget, we will never forgive, and we will always maintain our rage,” Hocking tells the six audience members.
December
Three political biographies hit the shelves in quick succession for Christmas.
First, ‘Overcoming Toryism – The Story of Australia’s First Public Housing PM’, by Anthony Albanese.
Second, ‘Overcoming Homophobia – The Story of Australia’s First Openly Gay Foreign Minister’, by Penny Wong.
Third, ‘Overcoming Racial and Religious Bigotry – The Story of Australia’s First Palestinian MP’, by Tony Burke.
That’s it for me. Enjoy your Christmas, and I’ll see you in the New Year.
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