Tony Abbott’s chain reaction
After completing a mandatory 14-day stint in Sydney hotel self-isolation, Tony Abbott is back in the lycra.
Tony Abbott is back in the lycra.
After completing a mandatory14-day stint in Sydney hotel self-isolation (personally funded at a cost of $3000) following his much-publicised tour of his British birthplace (during which he was anointed an adviser to the UK Board of Trade) the former prime minister was on the road again.
He joined a pack of political MAMILs (middle-aged men in lycra) out in force this weekend for the stripped-back 2020 Pollie Pedal.
Le Tour de France it ain’t!
Fourteen riders headed up by Energy Minister Angus Taylor, including Abbott, Liberal MP Dave Sharma and Nationals David Gillespie, set off on Saturday morning from Balmoral for a three-day 1000km ride through drought and bushfire-affected communities in the ACT and southwest NSW, finishing in Tumut on Monday.
Sharma told us the day-one highlight was “a ferocious headwind nearly the whole way — we were riding SW and it was basically a SW’r blowing! And subzero conditions.”
There was a “feels like” temperature of -6.7 in Bundanoon.
But don’t worry, we’re assured the spin cycle is COVIDSafe! There are morning temp checks, PPE, hand sani and social distancing during the 10 Rural Fire Service shed visits at Balmoral, Colo Vale, Exeter, Bundanoon, Tallong, Gundary, Tarago, Bungendore, Yaven Creek and Adelong.
As well as raising funds for Soldier On, this year the ride will donate $1000 to each RFS shed in recognition of their work during the summer bushfires.
Since 1998, the Pollie Pedal has ridden more than 22,000km and raised nearly $7m for charity and cancer research.
Melbourne’s ring of steel kept 65-year-old cycologist Kevin Andrews — author of the 2019 tome Great Rivalries: cycling and the story of Italy — out of this year’s pack.
But we hear Taylor is planning a full Pollie Pedal for May 2021, pending restrictions. If they’re not two tired.
KRudd’s top spin
The self-declared “Handball King of The World” has logged on. Kevin Rudd filmed a video from his cavernous Queensland garage on Saturday, debuting two new trick shots to help locked-down Victorians hone their handball skills.
All while wearing ugg boots.
Confused? Well, in an odd recess of the internet, the former PM has a cult following for his unorthodox handball style.
It all started in 2013 when a video of Rudd’s flat-hand serve during a game at Brisbane State High School went viral.
Just like John Howard’s attempts at bowling a cricket ball, Julia Gillard punting a Sherrin and Malcolm Turnbull shooting a basket, Rudd was terrible.
Yet the teens behind the Handball Memes Facebook page ironically remixed his manic moves and hair flicks to rap music for their 70,000 followers, growing his popularity as the deadpan patron saint of the playground.
Rudd is at the centre of the Venn diagram of politics and handball: thirst for power, no overt need for athleticism, profanity and a willingness to throw oneself on the ground and skin your knee to success.
This weekend, the 63-year-old had a hit with son Marcus, and shared tips for the “handball fiends of Australia” to improve their skills during school closures.
“Now it’s important that you’re dressed appropriately, like me. Uggies for inside, flannelette shirt and, most importantly, the COVID-19 beard,” Rudd Sr said. “It helps with the aerodynamics of your dog shot.”
Rudd is sometimes agile, bending low for skimmers and stretching to slap down a high bouncer.
We’re not so sure about his technique of cupping the ball. At our school that was considered an illegal shot that would have you banished to find the ball in the bushes for the rest of big lunch.
As promised, Rudd demonstrated his new moves — “the very famous KRudd memorial between the legs Melbourne dog shot” and the “overheard COVID smash”.
The later, we’re told, “must be accompanied with appropriate acoustics” for a karate effect.
OK Handball Fiends of Australia. The good people of Victoria have been going through a tough time. As have many other folks with Covid-19. So for a bit of fun, here are some brand new shots for the aficionados. pic.twitter.com/U4QIbRFUd3
— Kevin Rudd (@MrKRudd) September 26, 2020
All time low
Scott Morrison was in South Australia, home of submarines, this weekend to speak at a Liberal state council meeting.
Keeping with the on-water theme, the Prime Minister predicted a “titanic effort” of “heavy lifting” in the October 6 budget.
Then things really took a dive.
Perhaps inspired by this paper’s own David Stratton, Morrison morphed into a movie reviewer.
“None of us, I think when we went to the election in May 2019, could have imagined what 2020 would have become. There was something on social media … about that film Back to the Future when the doc said to Michael J Fox’s character, as he sat in the DeLorean, whatever you do, don’t set it to 2020. Sadly, that has been our experience this year.”
Short and simp
Is Bill Shorten having a mid-life crisis? Numerous Strewth readers alerted us to the 53-year-old’s latest venture into political discourse, where he tweeted that Stuart Robert was a “noob” and “Master of Disaster”.
According to Urban Dictionary, a “n00b” is “a person who really sucks at a game but refuses to learn/listen to people who are skilled.”
This isn’t Shorten’s first foray into internet shorthand. During an Insiders appearance in August, the former Labor leader said: “Well fundamentally, if I can put it in very plain English: Mr Morrison needs to make sure he doesn’t look like he’s just a simp to Donald Trump on this very important issue.”
Host David Speers asked: “Just explain simp?”
Shorten replied: “Well, soft.”
Unfortunately for the husband of Chloe Shorten (if the T-shirt fits), the New York Times cancelled “simp” as “misogynist” and “a staple of men’s rights forums, where feminism is derided as weakening men”.
Balance sheets
Following Paul Keating’s quip that his office had a nickname for the Reserve Bank of Australia — “the Reverse Bank” — one number-orientated Strewth operative wrote in with this amusing titbit.
“I used to work in the credit area of a major bank, and we had a manager in our region who consistently submitted lousy loan applications.
“We nicknamed him ‘the RBA’ as we considered him to be a Lender of Last Resort (the RBA’s charter) in this southeastern town.”
Nuts and bolts
Just on former leaders, can someone please check on Jeff Kennett? The former Victorian premier tweeted last week: “I am not a robot! It is me JGK.”
Love me tinder
Billy Joe l’s classic We Didn’t Start The Fire was released 31 years ago, Sunday. Of the 59 people the song name-checks, only five are still alive: the Queen, Brigitte Bardot, Chubby Checker, Bob Dylan and Bernhard Goetz.
strewth@theaustralian.com.au
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