Strewth: Who’d be PM during coronavirus? Bill Shorten ponders what might have been

Shorten had to check himself when confronted with the Messiah from the Shire’s miracle election win | WATCH

Former Labor leader Bill Shorten. Picture: AAP

Bill Shorten found himself faced with the Messiah from the Shire’s miracle win last May on a Today show panel. Journo Sarah Le Marquand declared: “I mean, really, who would be prime minister right now? And for most of us, that’s a rhetorical question, but for you, Bill, you must have had days in the last two months where you thought, oh, better him than me?” Shorten replied: “Yeah, I might have had some other days, too.” Laughter ensued. Shorten scored a second chuckle when asked if he’s getting on wife Chloe’s nerves yet. “Probably, but I don’t think that was a lockdown phenomena! I think one strategy I’ve developed is unite against the common enemy, the kids.”

Prime Minister Scott Morrison is expected to unveil his new JobMaker package as part of his coronavirus recovery plan. #9Today pic.twitter.com/Gf9gvrGP4f

— The Today Show (@TheTodayShow) May 25, 2020

He also confessed to the Today Show crew that lockdown is the longest he’s spent in close quarters with his three kids – Gigi, Rupert and Clementine.

“Maybe it’s because I’ve spent so much time on the campaign trails, so I’ve been forced to have new eyes see what goes on,” he said.

“Every time I sit down and turn my back to the kitchen, the kids have smuggled out like contraband dishes, and the laundry, like you don’t use a towel just once, and there is nothing wrong with turning off the electricity when you’re not in the room.”

Throwing out a classic daggy dad joke: “I reckon there’s a thousand people living in our house and they just go around flicking the switches on.”

Morrison disappoints Harry Potter fan

Millennial staff members in Scott Morrison’s ministerial wing are slightly disappointed by JobMaker, the latest in the JobSeeker, JobKeeper series. Some had secretly hoped the Prime Minister would continue his Harry Potter theme and name it JobChaser or JobBeater, then they’d have a full Quidditch team of wage subsidies. Does that make a budget surplus the golden snitch? Musos may have preferred JobLover, for the government’s new Seeker Lover Keeper cover band — with Morrison as Sarah Blasko, Josh Frydenberg as Holly Throsby and Mathias Cormann as Sally Seltmann. Perhaps Fiddler on the Roof is more appropriate? JobMaker, JobMaker, make me a match, find me a find, catch me a catch! As the song says: “Well, somebody has to arrange the matches, young people can't decide these things themselves!” Amen! There’s one question that remains unanswered — how many jobs will the JobMaker plan make? Sixty billion, perhaps, Josh?

JobCandlestickMaker

Did Scotty from Marketing take his JobMaker inspiration from Labor’s Josh Wilson? The member for Fremantle told parliament on May 13: “We need a focus on welding together the imperative of job creation on to the outstanding areas of critical reform in this country. We need a JobBuilder initiative more than anything.” Job the Builder, can we fix it? Job the Builder, yes we can! Morrison also appeared to borrow another Labor slogan — “putting people first” from Shorten’s second-place 2019 campaign — during his JobSpeech to the National Press Club on Tuesday. The Prime Minister said: “As we reset for growth, our JobMaker plan will be guided by principles that we as Liberals and Nationals have always believed in, to secure Australia’s future and put people first in our economy.” Labor deputy Richard Marles was rolled out to attempt a JobZinger reply: “JobSeeker, JobKeeper, JobMaker — really hope that it doesn’t end up being a JobBlunder.” Greens leader Adam Bandt continued the JobJokes, calling Morrison a “JobTaker” and “JobFaker”. Why stop there? Here’s a few other JobOptions: rebranded IR reform could be JobCheaper; changes to 18C JobFreeSpeaker; approvals for new coalmines JobDeeper.

A freeze is not a cut

“At some point, you've got to get your economy out of ICU … get it off the medication before it becomes too accustomed to it,” Morrison told the NPC. Medical inaccuracies aside, will the PM help his analogy by taking a pay cut? “You say we’re all in this together but you won’t follow (NZ PM) Jacinda Ardern’s lead and take a temporary pay cut. You’re the third highest-paid world leader, your cabinet earns twice what the UK does … would you reconsider?” this paper’s Peter van Onselen asked. Morrison replied: “Well, Peter, I have no plans to make any changes to those arrangements … I’ll just keep doing a good job, that’s my plan. And I will be accountable to Australians for that job.”

The book of Paul

Frydenberg has formally declined Labor’s invitation to explain his $60bn JobKeeper blunder in person to the COVID-19 Senate committee, offering instead to send Cormann “if needed”. Tragically, the Treasurer’s refusal was all tip and no iceberg, judged against Labor PM Paul Keating’s response when the same was suggested of his treasurer, John Dawkins, in 1992. Quoth Keating: “You want a minister from the House of Representatives chamber to wander over to the unrepresentative chamber to account for himself? Whether the treasurer wished to go there or not, I would forbid him going … to account to this unrepresentative swill over there.”

Numbers up, ScoMo

It has been a historic week for ScoMo — he has overtaken Billy McMahon to nab 22nd spot on the list of Australian prime ministers by time in office.

As of Wednesday, Morrison has served one year and 275 days. It won’t be long until he leapfrogs No 21 (Harold Holt, one year, 327 days) and 20 (Tony Abbott, one year, 362 days) in August.

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