The truth is out there for ASIS

For the first 20 years of ASIS, the government denied its existence. Now Australia’s most secretive intelligence agency is openly advertising.

For the first 20 years of ASIS, the government denied its existence. Now Australia’s most secretive intelligence agency is openly advertising. “If you’re currently working in technology, the Australian Secret Intelligence Service is interested in hiring you,” the spooks’ new TV spot says. ASIS is aiming to recruit Quiet Australians working in information technology, software development, data science, engineering, cybersecurity and customer service. Presumably to collect foreign intelligence. Does scrolling through Instagram count? It’s a curious campaign made even more mysterious by the ASIS claim there are now more foreign spies in Australia than at the height of the Cold War. “We need to be at the cutting edge of tech to stay a step ahead,” ASIS director-general Paul Symon says. “The popular image of a technologist with an intelligence agency might be someone who makes gadgets for the field, but in fact there is a wide range of areas, from cyber to big data, that are becoming increasingly critical to an agency such as ours.” Gum-shoe readers may recall sister spy org ASIO’s ascension out of the shadows and onto social media last month, with this dad joke tweet: “Hi internet, ASIO here. I spy a new Twitter account. We thought it would be fun if you followed us for a change.” Since then the secret agents have been sharing snippets of daily life, including: “The first #ASIO built photo surveillance vehicle was a 1952 International #PanelVan, codename OSTRICH.” A nondescript panel van — were Maxwell Smart and Agent 99 inside with a shoe-phone pressed to their ear? The agency also felt the need to post: “In #ASIO, we don’t just do what is legal, we do what is right.” The spies doth protest too much, methinks.

‘ASIS is interested’ – with growing debate over the threat posed by foreign espionage, the country’s most secretive intelligence agency launches a new recruitment push for technologists pic.twitter.com/RzHGPUnR6X

— Andrew Greene (@AndrewBGreene) September 13, 2020

#TradecraftTuesday: the first #ASIO built photo surveillance vehicle was a 1952 International #PanelVan, codename OSTRICH. #Surveillance plays a critical role in gathering intelligence on #terrorism & #espionage threats to Australia's security.

📗 https://t.co/R9F766Bq2n pic.twitter.com/xTvIqk3xQn

— ASIO (@ASIOGovAu) September 15, 2020

Why you little …

Given the hard border hoo-ha, you’d be forgiven for forgetting Canberrans are heading to the polls before Queenslanders. The ACT’s democracy sausage-less election falls on October 17 and the question on every public servant’s lips is — will incumbent Chief Minister Andrew Barr win a sixth term, bringing Labor’s time in power to 23 years? It was way, way back in 2001 when Labor’s Jon Stanhope defeated the last Liberal government, led by Gary Humphries. But back to 2020. In a town without billboards, verges and median strips have been plastered with political signage. And one poster in particular, snapped by a Reddit user in the outer suburb of Bonner, caught Strewth’s eye. “Woo hoo! Vote 1 Homer Simpson,” it says with a picture of the famous cartoon character created by Matt Groening. As always, the devil is in the detail. In place of an “authorised by” tagline, the fine print reads: “We hate stupid Flanders party.” We’ve always considered Canberra more Shelbyville than Springfield. Presumably Simpson would be running on a pro-nuclear energy platform with a side hustle to scrap beer tax? With quotes like these, the father of three is a sure bet for a Senate seat: “It takes two to lie — one to lie and one to listen”; and “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that’s even remotely true.”

You don’t make friends with signage.

Spring forward

SAD news! Sufferers of Seasonal Affective Disorder, a sunshine deficiency, eagerly anticipate the arrival of daylight savings each year like a Pennsylvanian waiting for a groundhog. But Monash University professors are worried Melburnians losing an hour of lockdown beauty sleep on October 4 would present “greater risk of having disrupted circadian rhythms”, which is linked to poor mood, sleep and general health. The experts are calling for clocks not to move next month, an idea shot down by Dictator Dan. “I don’t want to be disrespectful to the professor, who may be a very learned individual,” Victorian Premier Daniel Andrews said. “Daylight saving will be proceeding. That’s why the curfew changes, that extra hour is really important well ahead of daylight saving … This will be a summer like no other and daylight saving, I can confirm, will be a feature of it.”

Let’s do the time warp again.

Of mice and men

Joel Fitzgibbon wants to release the kraken! Sorry, the Coalition agreement. “You know, I often refer to National Party members as lions in their electorate, but mice when they get to Canberra,” the Labor frontbencher proclaimed. “In other words, they talk the big talk back home to win an election, but when they get to Canberra, they do exactly what the Liberal Party tells them. And all of this is contained within this secret Coalition agreement.” Sounding a tad tin-hat conspiracy theorist, Fitzgibbon continued: “The public are entitled to know what deals the National Party did, what arrangements they agreed to, to earn the right, or to grab the right, to be a member of the government. I think that’s a pretty basic tenet of our democracy.” Surely not all Nats are guilty of playing hide and squeak. What about Coodabeen koala crossbencher John Barilaro? “Look, I’m backing John Barilaro,” Fitzgibbon said. “(Barilaro’s) been a lion both in his electorate and in Sydney. He hasn’t been a mouse in Sydney, he’s talked the talk, and if the Nats did more — a bit more of that, more generally, then they might be more respected.”

NSW Parliament's fishy menu.

One senior federal pollie joked to Strewth, after Tuesday’s terrific menu trolling of grilled barramundi by NSW parliament: “I’d say the NSW Nats were having a whale of a time but that would be a red herring as they are mammals.” Boom tish.

The bad seeds

“Up here in Queensland, I saw the other day you could make $3800 a week picking strawberries,” Nats deputy David Littleproud told 2GB radio. “I mean, that’s not a bad week’s work.” Last we checked, the horticulture award was $24.36 an hour. Meaning you would need to work 156 hours a week, or 22 hours a day, to hit $3800. Farmers may be paying more for fruit pickers now, but perhaps don’t quit your day job just yet.

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