Don and dusted

Quiet Australians want Sleepy Joe! A poll by The Australia Institute found twice as many people would prefer to see 77-year-old Joe Biden in the White House

Trump in Grand Rapids, Michigan.

Quiet Australians want Sleepy Joe!

A poll by The Australia Institute found twice as many people (52 per cent) would prefer to see 77-year-old Joe Biden in the White House than watch a second season of President Donald Trump (24 per cent).

Only One Nation voters prefer the 74-year-old reality TV star (49 per cent) to the former veep (24 per cent). Men are much more likely to prefer Trump (31 per cent) than women (18 per cent), but still more men picked Biden (50 per cent).

There was not a single issue that Trump was considered better than Biden on.

But, to quote the orange man himself, can we trust the “fake polls”?

Biden was chosen ahead of Trump by four to one on COVID response (58 per cent to 15 per cent). Biden was twice as likely to be picked as better for world peace and security, Australia’s peace and security, the world economy, China’s global role and the Australian economy.

Trump has said he was the only one who could put up with the constant investigations he had faced. Anyone else would have “put their finger in their mouth, put their thumb in their mouth and say ’Mommy, mommy take me home’.”

Just as spooky, this headline from CNBC on Saturday: “Trump campaign rallies led to more than 30,000 coronavirus cases, Stanford researchers say.”

Let’s make super-spreading great again!

A very subtle yelling Trump embedded in the cover of this week’s Economist. #Election2020 pic.twitter.com/lHYLg5leC7

— Michael Li 李之樸 (@mcpli) November 1, 2020

Hat’s off

Where do you think both Trump’s MAGA hats and Biden’s captivating caps are made?

Home of the original “big beautiful wall” — China.

Hatters gonna hat.

My dad got this MAGA hat as a joke from a friend of ours who was an exchange student in the US a few months ago.

I can confirm, these are actually made in China. Lmao pic.twitter.com/tqt1FcBp0j

— taavi ✪ (@TaaviXD) October 28, 2020

Watch me whip

Race 10 at Flemington was the MSS Security Sprint, won by Exhilarates.

MSS Security is best known for its private work in Victoria’s hotel quarantine.

No 11? Excess Funds.

Neigggh-bour Jacinda Ardern picked Twilight Payment in the New Zealand Labour caucus’s Melbourne Cup sweep.

But Scott Morrison and Anthony Albanese literally backed the wrong horse — 18th Vow And Declare and second-placed Tiger Moth, respectively.

Tragically, physical distancing has prevented a repeat of last year’s antics at the Tabcorp marquee in the Birdcage.

Remember when former Labor leader Bill Shorten had a crack at the Prime Minister’s principal private secretary Yaron Finkelstein? “Yeah, f..k you. Just remember: the wheel always turns,” Shorten said. Finkelstein shot back: “Then let’s hope it’s a big wheel!”

So who is the current Labor leader backing for America’s race that stops a nation?

“The US elections, I had a tip last time that didn’t work out as expected,” Albanese said.

“We’ll wait and see. That’s in the hands of the American people.”

We wonder if DJ Albo approves of Disco Donald’s playlist — Gloria, Beat It, Fortunate Son, Tiny Dancer, Everybody Hurts, I Want It That Way, My Heart Will Go On, We Are The Champions, You Can’t Always Get What You Want, Purple Rain, Rockin’ In The Free World, I Won’t Back Down, Hallelujah and Sympathy for the Devil.

Jacinda Ardern gets Twilight Payment in Labour caucus Melbourne Cup sweepstake. Horse described as “absolutely flying. Tremendous value.” pic.twitter.com/ABlTNBkjyi

— Aaron Dahmen (@dahmenaaron) November 1, 2020

Ay caramba

ScoMo was mentioned on The Simpsons! Well, sort of.

The show — which correctly predicted Trump would become commander in chief back in 2000 — aired its Halloween Treehouse of Horrors episode at the weekend in ’Merica.

Homer hesitates in the polling booth and says: “Can I write in Judge Judy?”

To the horror of daughter Lisa, who reminds him of “all that’s happened over the past four years”.

As Homer reminisces, a list of Trump’s more infamous moments scroll across the screen including: “Made it OK to shoot hibernating bears, put children in cages, imitated disabled reporter, served McDonald’s to Clemson Football Team, put Jared in charge of Mideast, paid $750 in taxes, confiscated and destroyed interpreter’s notes after meeting with (Vladimir) Putin, lied about the size of the inauguration, called Baltimore a ‘disgusting, rat and rodent-infested mess’, said to swallow bleach, withdrew from the WHO, called white supremacists ‘fine people’, called Third World countries arseholes, tweeted classified photo of Iran missile site, described Meryl Streep as ‘overrated’, wanted to be on Mount Rushmore and person, woman, man, camera, TV”.

Plus! “Pressed the Australian Prime Minister to help (Attorney-General William) Barr investigate (Robert) Mueller.” Alexander 007 Downer overlooked again!

Viewers don’t see who Homer votes for as he says: “Pft, who you gonna make fun of now, late-night comics?”

On #ElectionDay, do not forget what has happened in the last 4yrs under Trump as President.
The Simpsons list some of them.#Election2020 is so important.
Go Vote #BidenHarris2020, #DontGetComplacent!pic.twitter.com/SYuNm5R7dM

— Maiestas Ⓜ️ (@Ebenezer_Peegah) November 2, 2020

Lady and the Trump

Anthony Scarramuchi thinks Melania Trump has been using a body double!

The conspiracy theory began in 2017 after a “shady” press conference where the first lady sported oversized sunglasses that masked most of her face.

Rumours started circling again last month when images of the 50-year-old wearing dark shades and smiling hit Twitter.

Melania looked … happy?

Perhaps she’d read the polls.

“Well, you know, Michael Cohen, the President’s lawyer, insists there is a body double and insists that sometimes her sister (Ines Knauss) actually replaces her on the campaign trail. And, usually, when you see somebody more affectionate with Mr Trump,” The Mooch told Ten’s quiz show Have You Being Paying Attention.

“Let me just put it to you this way. When he loses on Tuesday, I’m gonna be a happy camper, but nobody is going to be happier than Melania.”

We’ve got to admit, it’s a strong end to the series finale of The Apprentice President.

Would Trump recast his wife with an unknown actor weeks before his (potentially) final episode airs?

Over (Alban) ese

Anthony Albanese has been frozen out by Joel Fitzgibbon.

Sick of his transcripts being vetted-not-feted by Team Albo, Fitzgibbon started sending out his own.

Every other Labor MP’s interviews and press conferences are transcribed by their office, then given to the Opposition Leader’s Media Unit for approval and distributed via its centralised system.

Sources say Fitz cut his leader out of the loop because the coal-hugger’s, shall we say, off-message opinions kept hitting the chopping room floor. Albo did the same thing during Shorten’s tenure in the top job.

The pair had a gentlemen’s agreement the Sydneysider could maintain his autonomy.

“I think it’s absurd I get some 14-year-old in a leader’s office somewhere checking all the points,” Albo told a panel during the Canberra Writers Festival in 2016.

He also confessed to not reading Labor’s talking points, issued daily by the opposition leader’s office.

“I’ve found a really good way of not sounding like you’re sticking to the talking points: Don’t read them,” he said. “And I don’t.”

Giggle and hoot.

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