Narcissism at the heart of children’s mental health crisis

Across the West, the mental health crisis in children and adolescents has reached an all-time high, with one in five children breaking down. Although the causes of this crisis are multi-variable, the rise in self-orientation – otherwise known as narcissistic behaviour – is a major contributor to the epidemic.

Over the last 70 years there has been a shift in values away from a more relational, empathetic and family-oriented approach to a more self-focused one. Modern political movements in the 1960s brought positive changes, but every social and political movement also has a downside.

The women’s rights movement gave women increased opportunities in the workplace, and greater freedom of choice in many areas, but it also meant a rise in two-parent working families, where parents gave the responsibility of raising children to others, often placing them in care. Mothers doubted their value as nurturers and the myth was born that children were self-sufficient and could raise themselves and be just fine.

The “Me” movement gave individuals the opportunity to seek self-determination and self-fulfilment, but at the cost of nurturing relationships and family ties. Freedom replaced responsibility, and the pursuit of one’s singular pleasures outweighed caregiving.

The 1950s brought the age of television, advertising and consumerism, and a narrative that the path to happiness was through lifestyle and materialism. An opportunity economy came with the promise of financial independence and promoted career achievement over relationships. These changes to the family ecosystem started to tear apart the social fabric.

Fast forward to today, and the legacy of these historical movements has been generations who value work and materialism over caring for vulnerable children and the elderly, the rise of social media which promises happiness through lifestyle, and a move away from a relational world of deep emotional connections towards a superficial, self-focused one.

Our children have been affected in many ways from this shift toward self-centredness. Some are just less happy, more dissatisfied, and more bored with their lives. Others are more obviously symptomatic, suffering from attachment disorders, addictions, depression, anxiety, ADHD, suicidal thoughts, personality disorders and loneliness – all of which are on the rise. Today’s young adults can no longer see the value of committing to deep and loving relationships through marriage or children.

Narcissism is a term that has become part of popular culture, but few understand it. Although the term “self” has been hijacked by negative phrases like self-centred, selfish or self-absorbed, the self is actually a necessary and important part of a personality. Positive traits like self-esteem, self-worth or self-care are an essential part of a healthy self.

Children are not born with a healthy or defined sense of self. They begin to develop a self as a result of the emotionally and physically present relationship with their mother or primary attachment figure in the first three years, who makes them feel safe and loved from moment to moment. When everything goes well a child feels securely attached, loved, valued, admired and understood. This secure attachment allows children to tolerate even wide swings of emotion in response to success or failure – what we call resilience today.

Children have irreducible needs or requirements from their parents if they hope to develop a healthy self. They need:

1. Attachment security: To feel safe and secure, being cared for by a physically and emotionally present primary attachment figure, usually the mother.

2. Sensitivity and empathy: To have their feelings reflected and understood by parents who find them to be the most interesting part of their lives.

3. Admiration and unconditional love: To be admired for their authentic strengths, and accepted with their imperfections, limitations and mistakes.

4. Healthy separation: To be accepted as a separate person with their own personalities, interests and desires.

5. Healthy parents: They need parents who are emotionally secure, can regulate their own emotions, can communicate openly and without judgment.

What we invest in our children is what will eventually manifest in their later lives.

US academic Erica Komisar.

If we model loving, attentive and selfless behaviour, we can see the results in their character, and resilience. When parents give their time and attention joyfully, without resentment or anger, they show that giving and self-sacrifice are pleasurable, meaningful and valuable.

When a child’s needs are unmet because of a parent’s self-focus or self-interest, they feel misunderstood, abandoned, rejected, a deep sense of loss and sadness.

The good news is all is not lost. We can restore the value of the family, and turn around this mental health crisis. Our children are not destined to suffer from narcissistic disorders if we make different choices in how we raise them.

So what is our hope for a better story? I cannot overstate my concern about the increase in individualism, self-focus and nar­cissistic disorders I am seeing. If the status quo persists, we will continue to see a rapid decline in mental health in children and adults. Family is the bedrock of a healthy society and it requires sacrifice. We are producing less functional young adults. The crisis we face is dramatic and demands our immediate attention. The future offers a hopeful new paradigm if only we embrace it. Reclaiming our human instincts of nurturing and sacrifice is within our reach and the mental health of our children and society depends upon us to lead the way.

Erica Komisar is a psychoanalyst, parent coach and author. This is an edited version of a speech she delivered at the Alliance of Responsible Citizenship conference in London.